I've been thinking about what I have struggled with most this year, and I think that it's trying to deal with not knowing what God's plans are for me. Dealing with the outcome of the last four years, and seeing what happens when the dust has settled. I had a career and then I had a blog about a crazy time in our life. It seems that in the midst of life, I always had a big purpose that was just for me. And then this year hit and the world doesn't seem to need me as much. I feel lost and unsure of what I should be doing, and I know that my being wants some kind of big purpose. So me-centered, right? Let's face it; I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that right now my job is just to be a mom and a wife. To drive the kids to school, pick them up, feed them, take care of them, and be my husband's rock and confidant. That's it. Why can't I be happy with that? It's because it goes against everything I have always believed about myself. That I am special and that God has big things for me. It goes against my personality and my drive for success. And you know what, I think that God knows exactly what He is doing with me. He is breaking me soulfully. He is teaching me that it's not all about me. That I am His servant just like everyone else, and I am not special. That I need to find my way in this world based on being who I am at this exact moment, no matter how big or little the events in my life are. That I need to build myself on the foundation of what He created me on and become intimate with that woman.
Over the last year that has been a lot of relational turmoil in my life. Lots of ugly things said and actions taken that have hurt. I didn't know how to deal with it. And I can't say that I do now, but I can say that I have changed. It's been very hard and extremely trying, but somewhere in the midst of everything I have emerged a little differently. I know that my spark was lost somewhere in there from pure exhaustion, but I also know that is part of the building process and I need to find myself again somewhere in the confusion. I can't do that without God's help, and I don't think I have asked for it enough.
It's no coincidence that what I need more than anything is hope. To have confidence in what I cannot see. To believe and to know that this is the right journey. Maybe not for something huge, but for the rest of my life. A life where I will be content in whatever God sends my way. A life where I will look back and see a strong, courageous, faithful, and hopeful woman that stood on the foundation that was built over her life, and who did as much good with everything given to her as possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment