Day 255- Nine Eleven

Today is always a day where my problems seem small, my worries few, and my blessings are countless. Every year on 9/11 I hear more stories of how God uses a horrific situation for good. About what people have done with the mess of their life after what they saw or who they loss. No, I will never ever forget.

And while today is hard in one way, I also celebrate my grandmother. An amazing woman. Happy Birthday Grandma Ester. I love you dearly.

 

Day 254 - Directions

Sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to, right? Relationships, jobs, goals, our day, finances, promises, and the list goes on and on. I have been guilty of banging my head over and over trying to make something work that just won't because I am sure that it is what is meant to happen. And in the end I just get hurt, frustrated, or anxious over and over and over. We are human, we want things so badly, but often we turn away from the fact that we cannot make things go our way. Here's the thing... God can. God makes things happen, but in His way and on His time. I have said that a hundred times over this year, but I still need to hear it. I still need reminders that you need to take it to God. Pray about it and have hope and faith that His way is the best way.

I have watched impossible situations become possible, miracles arise, obstacles become blessings, and perfect timing.

We need to trust God's directions for the roadmap of our life. Ask Him to lead the way.


 

Day 253 - Alex

It has been 10 years since my friend Alex left this world. He committed suicide when I was 22. If you knew him, you would have pinned him as the last person that would take their life. He was a beautiful and amazing friend.

I spoke with Alex the night before he disappeared and my heart hurts that I didn't know how much pain he was in. Looking back, some sort of mental illness hit him quick and hard. He was overwhelmed. He was depressed. The darkness was too much and he didn't know that there was hope and help. He didn't know that there was a light at the end of the tunnel he was in. We spent days looking for him, hoping that he was okay, but grief had already hit our hearts. So when we got the call that they found him, I was numb.

That moment in my life was overwhelming. It doesn't seem real, and yet it happened and I can't get him back. Ever. Sometimes I see men out that look just as he would if he was still alive, and while it makes me sad, I like to have moments to remember him. To keep his memory alive. I miss him so much and just writing this post brings me to small sobs.

Alex, I will never forget you. The memories don't fade over time... they are all still there. Every year I mark your birthday and your heaven date in my calendar. I will keep you alive with good deeds and new challenges, as if you are here doing them yourself. And someday I know that I will see you in Heaven. I know that Jesus held you and told you that all of the darkness was finally gone and that all of your tears were wiped away. That there was no more pain or sorrow. I can't wait to hug you too and see your smile again.

Sending love up to you today.


 

Day 252 - Prayers

My sweet dad photocopied me two pages from a book he was reading that had some perfect words of godly advice. Although not the highlighted parts, I fell in love with these two simple prayers.

Lord, thank You for Your grace that is manifested in my life.

Lord, thank You for taking care of all my problems through Your forgiveness and grace. I am handing over my burdens to You- all of them!


 

Day 251 - Put your heart right

Yet if you devote your heart to him
     and stretch out your hands to him,
if you put away the sin that is in your hand
     and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
then, free of fault, you will lift up your face;
     you will stand firm and without fear.
You will surely forget your trouble,
     recalling it only as waters gone by.
Life will be brighter than noonday,
     and darkness will become like morning. 
-Job 11:13-17 (TNIV)

I found that verse on a church outline, with it were these notes:

Put your heart right. Reach out to God. Then face the world again, firm and courageous. This is how you begin the healing process. 

I have some healing to do. I want to regain the courageousness that I know I have. I want to be the woman God created me to be. Somehow I have lost that in guilt and in others' words. I am a fighter, I am strong, and I have so much love to give. I need to give my heart to God so that He can give me the eyes to see exactly who He created. Someone He loves dearly. Someone who stands on her own two feet... not afraid to yell out to the world and to be herself.

Time to pick myself up and journey ahead.
That is the woman I know.

 

Day 250 - Refuge

Wow... I am exhausted. While I am excited that my sweet kids went back to school this week, it's been crazy getting them ready to do so. I am beyond tired, but it has been worth it. I adore this time of year. I love having a schedule again. I love the family time, MOPS is starting soon, fall food, and preparing for the holidays. It's magical for me. It makes me feel like myself again... I feel like the depression is fading more and more each day and that I am seeing myself. This time of year helps bring that back.

But with the start of a new season always comes a lot of reflection. I have now passed 2/3 of my Year Full of Hope. I am thinking about what has happened, where I have gone, and what could be in front of me. I still have a lot of work to do in exploring hope and finding it deep inside of myself. Or perhaps tending to the seed I have already planted. I want my hope to be full and strong. I want to breathe it, live it, and share it with others. But I am finding that to do so, I have had to work much harder on myself. Some on my own, some through books, some from personal situations, and a lot in His word. Some exploration has come from the help of a therapist and that has been fruitful. I am grateful for that help. Things have been topsy turvy for my emotionally, but that's what God had in store for me this year and I want to grasp as much of it as I can. The good, the painful, the excruciating, and the unexpected. Because I know that God can take all things and use it for good... and I know that is what is happening right now. This is my time to grow.


“Every word of God is flawless;
 he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
-Proverbs 30:5 (NIV1984)

God is my shield even in difficult times. I am taking refuge in His love this year.


 

Day 249 - Renew my spirit

Somehow in the mess of life and a lot of hurtful words, I have lost part of my spirit. And yet all I need to do is to ask God to renew it. This is my prayer today.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
-Psalm 51:10 (NIV1984)