Day 172 - One chapter

I went over to my parents' house about 9 months ago and raided their bookshelves for religious non-fiction books. I brought home a big bag and immediately started in on the ones I knew I wanted to read. Over time some stragglers have been left and I always kind of pick which one I get the best feeling from when it's time to start reading again. God speaks to me through books, speaks to me directly, and I always want to read whichever one pulls at my heart strings the most because I know that is His call for me. This week my heart leaned towards a book that had not really jumped out at me before (Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren). And yet, tonight here is what I read.

But somewhere within each of us is a desire for significance, for meaning - a need to know that our time here on earth matters.


It created in me and expectation that someday God would use me for his good purposes. I began to wait for my turn to shine. The days turned into months, the months into years.


But I ended up feeling more and more as if I had been set on a shelf.


I stopped fretting over what would happen to me; any gifts I had were given to me by God, and if he chose to use them in a way that was different from the way I wanted them to be used, that was his decision.


I had to trust that while I couldn't see where the steps of faith were leading me. I was walking on a firm structure that wouldn't let me fall. 


It's as if my true hearts sadness and confusion was laid out in front of me. Someone else has felt the same way I feel. The wondering, the desire, and the feeling of abandonment. The highs and the lows. My questions of why I worked so hard at my job, why I went on to get my MBA, why He had me speak and start blogging...if it was all for nothing. My life is on her page, even as far as going on to surrender and say the exact same words I have said myself to God in prayer.  By reading someone else's feelings I see that I need to stop asking, worrying, feeling inadequate and I need to surrender. I was already working to this on my own, but the extra push solidified what was already in my heart. I need to trust Him.

A lot of clarity in one chapter of reading.