When life gets stressful, I turn to food. I actually don't turn to it, I just don't deny it. And when I just can't handle the stresses in my life, I ultimately give up on myself physically. It's a battle I fight constantly, and more so as I get older. I would say that over these last three weeks I completely gave up and managed to undo all of the good I had started. I took ten steps back. I gulped my anxiety down and then hated myself the whole time. It's a mad cycle. Hating myself, being disgusted in the mirror, and then making it worse. I imagine people turn to different things in their stress, like drinking, smoking, obsessiveness, etc. I realize now that I used to shop to calm my anxiety, but that is no longer an option. And I can tell you I have probably never hated looking in the mirror more than I have the last few weeks. It wasn't just because of how I looked, it's because I saw someone hurting herself. Everything mixed together was ugly.
So today I picked myself up a little bit. I got out my running shoes, even though I didn't want to, and I ran the best I could. It was ironic that I lost my usual workout hat and could only find one that I had never worn before. Guess what it says on it... HOPE. It's an old hat my dad had given me last year. So here I was running with hope. So appropriate. As soon as I started to run I could literally feel the punishment I had put on my body. I could feel every pound I put on and it hurt. It hurt the whole way home. I had never felt that before, but I know it was good for me. It was proof. Proof that I had given up. Proof that if I want to be the person I desire, I have to figure this out. Proof that I need to keep picking myself up or this will continue to be a vicious cycle and down the road I won't even recognize myself.
I believe that we can learn to fight past giving up on ourselves and learn to cope with stress, anxiety, disappointment, and hardships in life. I know that it all comes within and we cannot do it by ourselves. We can only get through it with a divine hand reaching out to us. Through prayer, trust, faith, and hope. I may be on many journeys right now, journeys that will ultimately meet up in the future. But the journey of learning to fight myself and to emerge victorious over my own self-infliction will ultimately be the one that will prepare me for whatever God has laid out for me. I want to be that strong Godly woman full of grace, wisdom, and fight.
"God wants us to use our weaknesses for His glory."
- The Purpose Driven Life
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