Day 38 - Let go

We so often say, "it's not possible, I can't do this, this isn't the way it's supposed to be." I remember how all of that feels. I remember being so stuck on my ideals for my life, that I couldn't handle change. But now, I see the other end. I know that any situation is possible, that you can do it, and that sometimes the least likely scenarios are exactly how they are supposed to be. Sometimes you have to let go of how you want things to be so that they can just be.

I never in a million years would have imagined that I would be living in a two-bedroom home with three kids, two adults, and two dogs (thank goodness for our little loft full of toys). But here we are. We have made it work. My three kids all share a room and you know what, I love it right now. The mom who always said her kids would definitely have their own rooms, is now eating her words. I was wrong. Life got to us and this was the solution presented to us, it was not ideal, but it has turned out just fine. Somehow, despite what you would expect, my two year old, three year old, and six year old all fall asleep to the sounds of one another. It just works. We have fit into the space that God wants us to be in. And you know what, that is where I want to be right now. The place that houses my faith. The place where I have witnessed miracles. The place where God taught me that we can make any situation work with faith, trust, and hope.

What parts of your life are you stomping your feet, trying not to let go of? What situation is causing you despair because it's nothing like what you had hoped for? What solution has God presented you that seems so unfair? Just trust. Talk to God. Tell Him all of your feelings. Tell Him you are handing it over to him. But also, have faith in yourself, your family, or whoever is involved, that it can and will work out somehow. Just give it a chance, settle in, and let God work miracles in all situations. Don't be afraid.

"God I want your will, not mine." 

 

Day 37 - Opened

Last week I mentioned to my dad that the new series at church has been good, but I haven't been truly inspired. God heard me. Yesterday I scribbled more notes that I ever have before. But it wasn't just what was being said that was captivating me; it was what I was realizing during the words being spoken that held on to my heart. When our pastor was talking about letting God open our eyes, He opened mine. He opened my eyes to see what has been missing these past few months. What I was searching for. What has made me scramble for hope in less than ideal situations. What has made me feel down and confused.

I lost my courage.

God provided the word that I could not access. The word that was pushed somewhere inside of me. Even though I have been desperate to find it, I could not get there until God opened my eyes. It is what was lost in the craziness of life over the past few months. I let situations, unkind words, hopelessness, and frustrations take away my courage. Although to be honest, I probably gave it away in my darkness. But nonetheless, God gave it back to me yesterday.

I feel stronger. I feel more like myself. The woman who does not despair over why she has not gotten to her destination, but keeps moving forward trying new things. Unafraid of what people might think. I feel like she is back. I feel like she knows her worth. I feel like she believes in hope because she knows that anything is possible and she has the courage to act in faith. I just feel stronger again. Ready to take on life and all of its imperfections. Ready to make my life happen.

I am so humbled that God opened my eyes to see what was missing. Courage is what stirs my soul and I am so thankful to feel it again.

"Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions." -Psalm 119:18 (NLT) 




 

Day 36 - Free

Sometimes you have to distance yourself from others. Sometimes you wake up and realize that it's okay to do so. Maybe it's better for the other person too. The best way to do it is obviously as quietly and respectfully as you can, if that's possible. Sometimes it's just time to make that change, and for me it was time.

The other day I went running (if you know me, gasp) and while I was out I thought to myself, "hey instead of being a part of something unhealthy I am taking the time to better myself. I am making my life better." I can't explain how freeing that was. I was choosing to make myself better. Instead of talking about my problems, complaining, or being depressed I was DOING something about it. I was taking actions to be a better version of myself. I was no longer talking about the bad situation, in fact it wasn't about that, it was about me. It felt really good. And you know what? The more we work on bettering ourselves, the more we are able to help other people. To show them the way.

I couldn't help but think of the people out there who are lost in an addiction, an unhealthy relationship, a bad choice... I just wanted to scream out and to tell them that they deserve to feel better too. To get lost in a challenge or to get lost in a love for something else. Free yourself from pain. Run with your arms wide open.  Just try, you have nothing to lose. If you have to start small, do it. I am. I'm not a runner but I found a program that teaches you to do a little bit at a time and after many weeks you will get there. I love that analogy for life. A little at a time if you have to. And no excuses. I actually have never had even a smidgen of desire to run. But I need to do something free and this is what I came across. I'm proud of myself. We all deserve to feel like that.

So I will say it. God did not create you to be in a heap of pain, frustration, or despair. But often those situations can turn out to be blessings if we move forward and make the decision to trust God's leadership and to find the positive in it. Sometimes it takes time to see the sun, but it will come, and the best way to see it isn't to wait for it, but to try and run for it. And if you don't have the stamina to run, then jog, walk, or crawl if you have to.

You have the power to make your life more beautiful, no matter what.

That is what hope is all about.


 

Day 35 - Seek

When I opened up my prayer journal for some inspiration this morning I did not have to read very far. The very first entry was:

You were put on Earth to make a contribution- to add to life on earth


Hello. Our whole existence is not for us; it's to contribute to everything and everyone else.

A little further down the page was:

You are the only person on earth who can use your natural abilities because God gave you a unique shape and wants you to serve Him and others.


Okay. So the whole point of my creation is to contribute, and no one else can contribute like I can because I have my own unique natural shape that God gave me. So if I am not using my shape to help others, then I'm keeping something wonderful from everyone. Something that no one else can fill.

Makes you feel pretty special right? Google says that as of August 2011 there were 6,957,690,528 people on Earth. That is a lot of uniqueness, and sadly a lot of abilities being lost to lack of faith, violence, addiction, poverty, selfishness, money, and abuse (to name a few). Imagine what the world could look like if everyone was contributing and serving others. If everyone kept doing a little more to benefit the world. If we all stopped our obsession with media, idolization of people, our anger with others, and just became who God created us to be, or at the very least explored who God created us to be. Things would be a little better. We would be a little bit better. The world would be a little more peaceful. And lives would be changed.

I know that life is so overwhelming. I also know that trying to figure out what God created you for is overwhelming, because to be honest, I still have no idea. I still don't know what He wants me to do. But, when I realize my purpose isn't for me and that someday I will have to give a personal account to God (as will everyone), I really hope I have a lot of great stuff to tell him. Not for my own admiration, but so that He will see that I loved Him enough to contribute. That I fulfilled His plan for me. That I inspired my children to live their plans for Him.

Seek not to just get through the day, but to contribute somehow every day. Seek to discover a little more what your natural and unique shape is.

In the end, that's what real dreams are made of.


 

Day 34 - Grateful

My hubby told me that I have been having a pity party for myself, he's probably right. But, the whole point of this blog is to be honest and forthcoming with my feelings and my problems, and to spend a year really diving into hope and seeing what happens at the end. While my pity party is probably not very fun to read, it's a product of my changes, my faith, and my understanding of who I am and how God has decided to drastically change my life. After writing about My Year of Faith, I don't know how to be anything other than transparent. And, usually while I am writing about my shortcomings, I am hoping that there is someone else out there needing to know that they are not alone and that God can use whatever they are going through for good.

That being said... I know my pity party needs to take a break so I just want to list all of the things I am grateful for today. I started a gratitude journal after reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and I am up to #162. Your life really changes when you start being thankful for all of the things you overlook in busyness and haste. Just thanking God for something in your frustration and anger really calms your soul. Makes you love more. Makes you see the bigger picture. Here are some of my favorites from my list of 162 (I am going to 1000).

1. Quiet nights to reflect
2. My children love me unconditionally, even on my bad days
3. The smell of clean laundry
4. My little boy's birthmark on his back
5. Finding beauty in something old
6. Driving into my parents' driveway
7. Promise of a new day
8. My oldest son's enthusiasm for life
9. Anything with stripes on it
10. Eating with friends
11. Sweetness of sleeping children
12. A view
13. That my kids love being at home
14. A cup of tea
15. Rainy days
16. Symbolism of a wedding ring
17. Pizza and ranch dressing
18. Cool breeze
19. An undiscovered Bible verse
20. Gracious opportunities
21. My daughter's dainty kiss
22. Blessings in all forms

How can you not have a good day when you begin it by thanking God for all of the small things? All of the little miracles in our life that He has given us? Just for breathing every day? Even in your worst times, keep God at the center, and He will get you through it. He will give you 1,000 reasons to smile, laugh, and to be happy. Don't blame Him for your misfortunes; just thank Him for all that you do have. For those babies in their beds, those friends in your life, and for the hope of a future full of wisdom and grace.


 

Day 33 - He wants me to be strong

I am so grateful that we can pay our necessary bills. Hallelujah to that. But I haven't purchased clothes in what seems like years, except for a couple of pairs of jeans and an outfit or two for a necessary occasion. My wardrobe is really old. Lately, I look around and I see women dressed so cute. They have on wardrobe pieces that I know I would have right now if we could afford it. A new pair of boots, cute sweaters, pants, tops, etc. I'm not even talking anything outrageous, just a few items here and there. I look at them and I can't help but feel envious, which is something I have tried to cut out of my life. I see them and I see the person I think I should be right now, and I feel like some of my identity is gone. The way I look is not reflective of who I am. If we had money my hair would not be this long, my shoes would not be the same all of the time, I wouldn't wear jeans with holes in them, and I would feel better about myself. It has been bothering me a lot, which is strange coming from such an intense year where I never thought of those things. I think the financial difficulties are starting to wear on me. I have been so strong for so long, giving up every comfort I used to have. Now I just want a semi-normal life.

So here I am, left to think about who I truly am. Who we all truly are. Do you ever think about it? Can you imagine if you were stripped away of everything that defines you like your clothes, home, car, decor, etc.? All that would be left is your heart, soul, words, and your faith. Would you be as impressive as you are in person, on Facebook, to strangers? I imagine that is how it will be when we are in Heaven. We will not have earthly bodies so I assume that we will be seen as exactly who we are. Nothing to masquerade or detour us. Nothing to put on that will make us feel better, cuter, or prettier. It makes you think, right? That so often we forget how important our character and our hearts are. That while looking great is nice, being great is eternal.

There are just times in our lives where we have to surrender and let go. This is mine. I can work on my appearance by working out and eating better, but I cannot buy my appearance right now. I have to live with that. I have to deal with the fact that my clothing may not represent how I want to be seen, but instead I need to let my actions, words, and spirit speak louder so that people can truly understand who I am. Holes and all. In the midst of all of this, God has been shouting to me over and over again to be confident in who I am and who He created me to be. I know that he wants my confidence and my spirit to be unshakable. I have to see that this is all part of the journey, my journey where I am forced to let go of all of my wants, and I have to keep moving forward in faith and with hope. It's not easy. In fact, I believe that this part of the journey is definitely the most emotional because God is literally making me turn my focus away from earthly goods and wealth and forcing me to grow, have courage, be strong, and define myself. I don't know where I am going, but He wants me to be strong. He is preparing me for the rest of my life. 

"Seek to develop the character of God in your own life: mercy, grace, humility, love.... carry out His justice and love in the world." - from Big God

 

Day 32 - My Struggle

Friends, I am struggling. It may not be some huge crazy thing, but it's affecting my life and I just haven't been able to put a stop to it. I hate looking in the mirror. It's funny because I actually really love the woman I am becoming, but I just cannot get myself to love the outside of me anymore. In the midst of drama, stress, finances, and life I have stopped caring about myself and so in return I am just a lumpy mess. I understand how people become obese. You just stop caring and you use food for comfort and to take away the anxiety that follows you. I almost use food to hurt myself. Just another soda, some extra food, just because I want to punish myself for looking the way I do. In turn I have lost my energy and my stamina to get done the 100 projects that need to be done. I'm just not the me that I want to be, and loving only half of yourself is just not enough. I want to love all of me.

Here's my problem. I just can't get motivated. Life is so busy already, that I just cannot go the extra mile to take care of myself and get more done. Something is missing; something inside of me is putting the brakes down and refusing to go anywhere. I hate being so opposite of the woman that I know I truly am, but this is affecting all of me. I know that I need to take it to God. I know that He is the only one that can give me the peace to get up and try. I know that He can spread hope through my body so that my outside can reflect how I feel on the inside. I know that He can validate that I am worth the effort. But, other than asking and praying for it, what else can I do? I know that I need to find inspiration in His word. I need to meditate on His promises. I need to trust Him to help me through it. I need to lean on Him to lift me up right now. I need to beg Him for strength. I just need to give it all over to Him.

I just want to yell, "enough" to myself. This is not something new. In fact, I remember blogging about something similar in My Year of Faith, but I just couldn't do it, at least not permanently. But this time I need help. It's seems so trivial to ask prayers for. I am not hugely overweight, I am not suffering from a serious side affect, but it's hurting me nonetheless. And, I am here, humbling pouring out my heart, not asking for help, but asking for prayers. Or asking for bible verses that inspire you to be motivated. Or verses that talk about leaning on God. I have so many, but what if you have one that will sink in my heart? I know how to make the changes I want, I just need to find enough courage and determination to do it.

I know we all have hindrances in our lives. Mine may be related to my body, but yours may be related to anger, resentment, believing in your future, overcoming an obstacle, letting go of a relationship, or just finding strength to get through your day. I know that reaching into God's Word and taking it to Him will get us through it... but we still have to take the first step. We have to actively want it every day, praying, educating, renewing, working, and not giving up on it. If there is something you are tired of, maybe we can encourage each other. You can always email me at elhajs@aol.com.


"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." -James 4:8