Day 33 - He wants me to be strong

I am so grateful that we can pay our necessary bills. Hallelujah to that. But I haven't purchased clothes in what seems like years, except for a couple of pairs of jeans and an outfit or two for a necessary occasion. My wardrobe is really old. Lately, I look around and I see women dressed so cute. They have on wardrobe pieces that I know I would have right now if we could afford it. A new pair of boots, cute sweaters, pants, tops, etc. I'm not even talking anything outrageous, just a few items here and there. I look at them and I can't help but feel envious, which is something I have tried to cut out of my life. I see them and I see the person I think I should be right now, and I feel like some of my identity is gone. The way I look is not reflective of who I am. If we had money my hair would not be this long, my shoes would not be the same all of the time, I wouldn't wear jeans with holes in them, and I would feel better about myself. It has been bothering me a lot, which is strange coming from such an intense year where I never thought of those things. I think the financial difficulties are starting to wear on me. I have been so strong for so long, giving up every comfort I used to have. Now I just want a semi-normal life.

So here I am, left to think about who I truly am. Who we all truly are. Do you ever think about it? Can you imagine if you were stripped away of everything that defines you like your clothes, home, car, decor, etc.? All that would be left is your heart, soul, words, and your faith. Would you be as impressive as you are in person, on Facebook, to strangers? I imagine that is how it will be when we are in Heaven. We will not have earthly bodies so I assume that we will be seen as exactly who we are. Nothing to masquerade or detour us. Nothing to put on that will make us feel better, cuter, or prettier. It makes you think, right? That so often we forget how important our character and our hearts are. That while looking great is nice, being great is eternal.

There are just times in our lives where we have to surrender and let go. This is mine. I can work on my appearance by working out and eating better, but I cannot buy my appearance right now. I have to live with that. I have to deal with the fact that my clothing may not represent how I want to be seen, but instead I need to let my actions, words, and spirit speak louder so that people can truly understand who I am. Holes and all. In the midst of all of this, God has been shouting to me over and over again to be confident in who I am and who He created me to be. I know that he wants my confidence and my spirit to be unshakable. I have to see that this is all part of the journey, my journey where I am forced to let go of all of my wants, and I have to keep moving forward in faith and with hope. It's not easy. In fact, I believe that this part of the journey is definitely the most emotional because God is literally making me turn my focus away from earthly goods and wealth and forcing me to grow, have courage, be strong, and define myself. I don't know where I am going, but He wants me to be strong. He is preparing me for the rest of my life. 

"Seek to develop the character of God in your own life: mercy, grace, humility, love.... carry out His justice and love in the world." - from Big God