Day 41 - Control

Last night I was reflecting on how much I have changed over the last few years. So much of my life and who I had become was forced to change, and in big ways. Thinking about that makes me realize that what has changed the most about me, other than my relationship with God and my faith, is that I have let go of my need to control. I tried to control every single thing in my life. It is part of my personality to be that way, but much of it was out of fear. Fear that things would change or that things wouldn't be the way I wanted them to be. Fear that someone else would make decisions for me. Fear that something bad would happen. So I tried to hold on and have control over everything in my life. It was exhausting and impossible, yet I still refused to budge.

Then, as you know my story, life happened. I was forced to either keep trying to control everything and become increasingly miserable, or surrender to God and trust Him. I chose the latter. I can literally remember the moment I gave it all over to God. We were living in our home, and I had been hanging on to the belief that we could somehow keep our house. I had refused to short sale or let anything happen to my perfect credit score. I was trying to control. And yet, we had lost 50% of our income and there was absolutely no way we could keep it. So one day I was sitting in my son's room on a big comfy chair looking out the window and I just broke down and told God that I would do whatever He wanted. I would leave it in His hands. I finally realized that God was trying to teach me to let go. To trust Him and to obey. On that chair I made a decision that would affect the way I treated our life and our circumstances forever. I gave God my need to control.

And so, when we had to move two more times, I let go. When Mark was laid off, I let go. When I had to change the path that I was on, I let go. When I had to accept that my life would not be what I had wanted for myself, I let go. I am still letting go every day. Letting go of old hopes and dreams. Letting go of how I wanted to be seen. Letting go of control over my life. And in letting go, I realized that we must obey God and when we surrender to Him we actually have more control over our lives because we have confidence that we are in His hands. We understand how God works. We know that it is all for good. So while I still like to take control of situations and decisions, I leave the big stuff to Him. I now understand that trying to control your life does not give you security. Instead it tangles you up in knots of fear, anxiety, and disappointment. It takes away the peace of knowing that you are not alone.

Now when God calls me to surrender, I do it with arms wide open and a heart ready for change. I have less fear and more peace in my life. I am so thankful for that change in me, and I hope that God will keep molding me and giving me opportunities to grow.