Day 32 - My Struggle

Friends, I am struggling. It may not be some huge crazy thing, but it's affecting my life and I just haven't been able to put a stop to it. I hate looking in the mirror. It's funny because I actually really love the woman I am becoming, but I just cannot get myself to love the outside of me anymore. In the midst of drama, stress, finances, and life I have stopped caring about myself and so in return I am just a lumpy mess. I understand how people become obese. You just stop caring and you use food for comfort and to take away the anxiety that follows you. I almost use food to hurt myself. Just another soda, some extra food, just because I want to punish myself for looking the way I do. In turn I have lost my energy and my stamina to get done the 100 projects that need to be done. I'm just not the me that I want to be, and loving only half of yourself is just not enough. I want to love all of me.

Here's my problem. I just can't get motivated. Life is so busy already, that I just cannot go the extra mile to take care of myself and get more done. Something is missing; something inside of me is putting the brakes down and refusing to go anywhere. I hate being so opposite of the woman that I know I truly am, but this is affecting all of me. I know that I need to take it to God. I know that He is the only one that can give me the peace to get up and try. I know that He can spread hope through my body so that my outside can reflect how I feel on the inside. I know that He can validate that I am worth the effort. But, other than asking and praying for it, what else can I do? I know that I need to find inspiration in His word. I need to meditate on His promises. I need to trust Him to help me through it. I need to lean on Him to lift me up right now. I need to beg Him for strength. I just need to give it all over to Him.

I just want to yell, "enough" to myself. This is not something new. In fact, I remember blogging about something similar in My Year of Faith, but I just couldn't do it, at least not permanently. But this time I need help. It's seems so trivial to ask prayers for. I am not hugely overweight, I am not suffering from a serious side affect, but it's hurting me nonetheless. And, I am here, humbling pouring out my heart, not asking for help, but asking for prayers. Or asking for bible verses that inspire you to be motivated. Or verses that talk about leaning on God. I have so many, but what if you have one that will sink in my heart? I know how to make the changes I want, I just need to find enough courage and determination to do it.

I know we all have hindrances in our lives. Mine may be related to my body, but yours may be related to anger, resentment, believing in your future, overcoming an obstacle, letting go of a relationship, or just finding strength to get through your day. I know that reaching into God's Word and taking it to Him will get us through it... but we still have to take the first step. We have to actively want it every day, praying, educating, renewing, working, and not giving up on it. If there is something you are tired of, maybe we can encourage each other. You can always email me at elhajs@aol.com.


"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." -James 4:8