Today I looked back in the rearview mirror. My heart had focus and understanding on what has happened in my life since 2008 and why I need to stop struggling with where I am at. He laid it all out for me to see. In doing so, He has reassured me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be... the right journey for right now. The right journey for the rest of my life. It's hard to feel hopeful that God can use me for big things, not just other people. But that hope was restored today. The doubt was taken away. And the drive was put back in me. God has never stopped working on me. Since 2008 He has actively changed my life and He has a plan for me. I just need to believe in it, even more than I have before.
Today I saw my last four years in three phases. From July of 2008 to October of 2010 God started gently pushing me to let go of my need to control and my ideals for my life. I lost my job, my house, and my identity (at least the one I wanted for myself). During this time I struggled to find how I could be myself in a totally foreign way of life. How I could say goodbye to things that were so important to me? He put peace in my heart for some tough decisions and He taught me to follow His lead. He taught me how to just let go of what I thought my life should look like. He broke me down.
From November of 2010 to December of 2011 God showed me what true faith is. That year was about faith, trusting in Him, attitude, and perseverance. We moved to a smaller home, Mark then lost his job, we used all of our savings, and then God forced us to rely on Him to get through every day of every week, with nothing in our pockets and no relief in the immediate future. We had nothing, and yet He showed us that we still had everything. We had to lean on others, we had to do things that were uncomfortable, we had to give up all of the non-necessities, and we had to trust that He would take care of us. And He did. And in that time I grew closer to Him than ever before. He never left us for a second, and his grace showed up every day as a reminded that we were not on a path of destruction, but we were on a journey. God taught me how to be truly faithful. He brought me to my knees.
That brings me to the now, from January of 2012 to the present. Last year was such a crazy year that I have never really felt like this time could be anything big. I knew that God was changing me. I knew that it was about having hope. But I thought it was stagnant. That I was stuck. And yet today I saw how actively God has been working in me. I have experienced a lot of depression this year. A lot of uncertainty, some envy, and a lot of personal attacks on who I am. There was so much despair in trying to love myself. I just felt empty in so many ways, even though I was still growing in my faith. Even though my heart was still learning and understanding, I was lost. At one time I finally picked myself up, to only fall harder and faster. Any yet over time, I picked myself up in a big way and then started living His plans for me with more determination than before. He placed things in my path for me to grab and as soon as I stopped looking in the pits of hurt, I found them. I found them looking forward. And here I am, not fixed, but healing, building, strengthening, toughening, and having hope. I am stronger mentally and physically. It's four years of His work. He is building me up.
He broke me down, He brought me to my knees, and now He is building me up. I see it.
Every time is for a purpose... draw near to Him. Trust Him. Follow Him. Listen to Him. Make choices based on things He throws in your path, never to harm you, but to prosper you. Believe that He loves you enough to give you a timeline. A path. A journey of your own. It's not easy to follow, it hurts, it's dark, and it's treacherous at times. But you will be changed far more than you ever thought possible, and in the best ways. You have to rely on Him, talk to Him, and open up your heart to allowing Him to mold you. He can make you into the person He created you to be, which is far more that you could ever do on your own.
I have hope that some day my life will be proof of this. For now, I am trusting Him and charging forward.
Our God is healer
Awesome in power.
- from Our God
In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps.
- Proverbs 16:3
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all of your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
- Proverbs 3:5-6
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