Day 216 - Who I am

I have been very introspective lately about the things that I want, how to get them, and what is meant to be in my life. On one hand I feel like I have been blindly waiting forever to see where God is going to lead me, and on the other the hand I feel like I am always planning my future without His help because He has not answered my cries yet. It can be so frustrating and heartbreaking not knowing what to do or if I am following His call. And sometimes I lean towards taking matters into my own hands just so things will happen. And then I read this.


How often we plan, and take, without praying and asking God for wisdom and guidance. Afterwards we piously thank the Lord for what we have procured for ourselves. Often our choices lead to unhappy predicaments out of which the Lord must graciously help us. We all must learn to pray and wait.
- from Women of the Bible


So that's it. Pray and wait. Such a simple concept and yet it takes so much trust, patience, faith, and hope to do.

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On another note...for those who have been with me you know that I have suffered from depression since I was 17. I live a very happy and healthy life and it usually sneaks up on me for little bouts of time. I can almost always see it coming and maneuver through it. But this time it not only snuck up on me, but it got me good. I have not been this depressed in probably eight years or more. I am doing so much better today, but that is why I needed a little time away from writing. In fact I have taken a little bit of time away from a lot of things over the last 6 or 7 days. But the sun shines a little brighter every morning and I am going to be just fine!

With that being said, my depression is a part of who I am. It's part of the way that God made me and I am not ashamed of it. I think that had I not experienced this part of my life, I would not be able to write about my feelings so easily, be understanding to others, or be so passionate about faith, hope, and love. This is who I am and exactly who God intended me to be. A woman who sees dark and light in different depths than most others.