Day 217 - I know

When I am depressed I can't talk to my friends on the phone, reply to emails, listen to voicemails, etc. It takes everything out of me to just live that day and to live it normally. To go to soccer meetings and smile at everyone I meet. To maintain our family life. To take care of my kids the best that I can. I don't know why it's like that, but it is and it's been that way as long as I can remember.

You know what else I noticed today? I can't pray. Maybe because it's like talking to a friend, but I just can't go there. It seems so counterproductive. I should be praying more at this moment than ever before, but the words won't come out unless I force them. But here's the thing, God knows my heart and he knows my hurts. He knows what's inside of me, what I am sheltering, and the floods I am trying to protect. He knows my needs and my wishes. He knows this part of me. And I hope that He can hear the cries from my heart, asking Him for help... even though they are not my vocal words. He knows my faith, my strength, and fears. He knows all of yours too...whether or not you share them.

I have been building myself on a foundation of faith and hope. And although I am depressed I have this knowledge and security that everything is going to be okay. That this too shall pass. That I will work it all out and I will be stronger. Because God uses our worst hurts for good. And somehow when I climb out of this pit... I will be a little bit tougher and ready for the journey ahead.

I know God hears the prayers of my heart, even when I can't say them.