When God wants to calm my soul He sends me light rays. He did it after my friend committed suicide. He did it after a series of attacks on who I am. And He has done it twice this week. Once (top picture) while out with my kids and twice (bottom pics) on my run this morning. It's just the way that I know that He is looking down on me when I am in turmoil. It's no accident.
I am fighting a battle inside of me. I have been fighting it for about 10 days now. It's a battle of accepting myself, healing, and finding meaning in darkness. I know this battle, I have fought it before, but it feels different now. It's different because I am different. My faith is stronger and so it's feels like I have more to defend. I really don't know how to explain it. But I am fighting and every day I get a little better. This time around I will be getting outside help, I usually only call in the troops when I really need it, and I do. I need someone to hear me work this all out. It has always helped in the past and I know that this time around it will help too. There is no shame in seeking guidance.
Despite my depression, life is good. I know this. God is good and He has not forsaken me. He is changing me. He is going to use this time to make me stronger. He is allowing me to suffer so that I can grow. So that I can live. So that I can see.
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. -Romans 5:3-4
And isn't that what I am trying to produce this year... hope? Yes, yes it is.
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