Day 232 - Identity

It was very obvious when I met with my new doctor that I am struggling with my identity. This was no surprise to me since everything that I previously identified myself with is gone. My career, our money, my old goals, and on and on. Yet I was surprised with how sad it has made me. Somehow it has manifested itself in my soul and I am running circles, totally lost. My whole body shouts, "I want a big, big, big purpose and I want it now Lord!" But nothing presents itself and I feel meaningless. It's a really difficult trap to be in, and only you can snare yourself.

Today's sermon at church was about identity and confidence (imagine that). It was about how Paul finally stopped trying to tirelessly please God. Instead, he followed Christ's example and left his ego behind. He decided to live a life of faith, not a life of impressing others. From everything that has come across my eyes these last few weeks, I would call that a life of love. Making love your highest goal. Letting your love for others guide you every day. Trusting that God's plans are better than anything you envisioned for yourself. Allowing yourself to let go of what you believed made someone successful, happy, or important. Being content with what you have. Isn't it enough?

When I left my doctor's office I felt angry with God. "God why did you create me to be so ambitious, and yet I am the one who has lost her identity? I look around and other people still have their careers, are doing amazing things, have crazy purposes... and yet I have nothing big in my life. Lord, my drive is a part of who I am and you made me this way? Why?"

Somehow I am redefining the word HOPE in my life. God is showing me that it's not about hoping for what He can do for me in the future. It's about feeling joyful with the present. It's about trusting that God has my future in His hands, a future based on His love. Because, after all, it's not about me. It's about using what God has given me, right now, to spread my love to others. It's about journeying forward in confidence in who God created me to be and finding freedom in that. And that should be enough.

It's a big big lesson to learn... and I am trying.

"My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that."
- from Galatians 2:20 (MSG)