Day 15 - A life to cheer for

My life is not that much different than before. I do not have cancer, I have not lost a loved one, and my family is still together. But there are days, few and far between, where I miss my old life. I miss the mall, pilates, unlimited grocery shopping, being able to just "update" parts of the house, buying my kids stuff, and feeling like I have everything I need. You can never have everything you want, but there is a peace in feeling like you have everything you need. I miss that. I miss the financial security. I miss saving and planning and feeling like I am investing in our family. Like I said, these times don't happen often, but every now and then when I really need something like a pair of pants for an important meeting or an extra pair of shoes for the kids, or when I feel a little left behind in life, I miss it. I miss it a lot. It makes me feel inadequate and depressed. That former me is not only gone, but long gone. This is the Amanda that people know. I still live in between the old me and the present me. Afraid to let go of that old identity, of parties, beautiful gifts, and something always new.

And right smack dab in the middle of all of my feelings and self-pity, I started reading a book. The very beginning of the book talks about our lives and how a beautiful life and a meaningful life do not come from trying to live a life of getting what we want, like new things and possessions. No one cheers at the end of that life. And it got me thinking, would I give up this whole experience to go back to the way things were? Financial independence, working, having not only what I needed but I wanted too? Not feeling like every month we are just scraping by with no end in sight? I remember feeling like we would never get out of our hole before (and we made that step out), but I certainly feel like we will never get out of this one either. Buying a home seems like a million miles away. To be honest, just having money to spend however I please seems like a million miles away.

So would I? Would I go back and trade it all in? Be out of this tiny home with the kids all in one room? Be at a place where I don't have to constantly say no to everything? What would I be giving up to go back? This blog, a larger sense of faith and hope, a closer relationship with God, a new way for people to see me, a sense of purpose on some days. Would I give up the closer bond with my little family and the peace in my heart of knowing we got through it? The new relationships I have formed and the servant I am starting to become? Are these the things that people cheer for at the end of life? The things that truly matter? They have to be, right?

This is how I see hope in my life right now. The truest belief that in fact, life will not always be like this. That yes, I will always have struggles, but I can find hope and joy in my deepest fears and hurts because these struggles are what pulls us away from the life of always wanting, to the life of always living. The life that people cheer for at the end. The life that inspires and that lives on within others. The life that God has in fact chosen for me, because there is a bigger picture, and that picture is not meant to hurt me, but is meant to give me hope and a future. I can hold on to hope that these frustrations and sadness are growing me and molding me into a better me, free of the illusions of a life full of things. Because I believe that someday, God will test me with many things to see if I paid attention. Or perhaps, he will take many things away again to see if I was paying attention.

While I want out of this chapter of my life so badly, I hold onto hope and faith that everything has happened for a reason. That even at this very moment, God is working within me. Allowing me to struggle, feel inadequate, and hurt because I need to. Because there is so much ahead of me to feel hopeful about. Because He has whispered to me that I will always have the strength to continue and because the cheers at the end will be more than anything I could have ever owned. I have hope that this road, even lonely and sad at times, is the one that leads me to a life well lived.