Day 21 - Her words

"I'll be honest: The hard places can seem unbearable. It's dark and it's scary, and even though I know God said He will never leave or forsake me, sometimes it's so dark that I just can't see Him. But then the most incredible thing happens: God takes me by the hand and walks me straight out of the hard place and into the beauty on the other side. He whispers to me to be thankful, that even this will be for His good.
It takes awhile sometimes, coming out of the dark place. Sometimes God and I come into a desert and he has to carry me through that too. Sometimes I slip a lot on the way out and He has to keep coming back to get me. Always, on the other side is something beautiful, because He has used the hard places to increase my sense of urgency and to align my desires with His. I realize that it was there that He was closest to me, even in the times when I didn't see Him. I realize that the hard places are good because it is there that I gained more wisdom, and though with wisdom comes sorrow, on the other side of sorrow is joy. And a funny thing happens when I realize this: I want to go to the hard place again. Again and again and again."
- from Kisses from Katie


It's not often that I want to post two whole paragraphs from a book. But I had to today. I'm still feeling a little broken and confused, which leaves me with a mess of words flying around in my head. And yet, here are words that were waiting for me to read them, waiting for me to understand part of how I am feeling.

I have just come from a dark place, a dark year. I grew so much from that and yet in the light now, I am not forced to grow and change. I don't have the same circumstances or the same urgency. And so, I sit here wanting to change, grow, learn and be more. I want to feel God's love wrapping me up every day; I want to feel Him answer my prayers in desperate times. But times are different, they are not easy, but they are not dark like they were. And so I don't have the extreme sorrow, which in turn caused extreme joy. So life feels gray here in between and that's hard. The gray is great, safe, and full of grace, but I miss the change in me. I miss the extreme thankfulness that I felt every day. I miss God.

I do believe that these feelings are part of the next steps in my life. Maybe we have to learn to live in the gray to really change. To prove our faithfulness, our unselfish love, and our growth. And, maybe it's just the part where we are supposed to take a deep breath and live.