Day 18 - My gloom

I'm not going to lie... I am still in a funk from the beginning of this year. It has been coming and going and my motivation is missing and life feels gloomy. I'm not sure what is going on. Internally I can feel some kind of conflict. Where is my life at? What's next? What do I have to look forward to? How am I impacting lives right now? Will things get better and when? What am I supposed to be doing? When will enough money start coming in so that I can take care of our future? God, where do you want me right now? Why isn't something big happening? What is my purpose?

I can feel my mind and my soul tearing at each other. You have to remember that I am by nature an over achiever. I was born with ambition. How does a God-put-me-here stay-at-home mom with no money cope with the loss of her once ambitious life? How do I continue to cope without climbing a corporate ladder? Without money to define my success? How do I watch people that I was once ahead of, pass right by my? How do I define success in days of routines and of children? How can I define the rest of my life as successful? How can I be successful? I still thirst for it. And what makes a successful life? How am I going to be able to deal with understanding that achievement and money are separate in God-terms of a life well lived. That I cannot define a successful life by what I earn. I'm not going to lie to you; it's hard for me. I expected to have a life full of money. What if that never comes at me again? How will I cope?

I don't know what to do about this rut. It is either a rut or I am literally in the middle of a life changing discovery? I don't know. But I can feel it every minute in my day; I can feel it while I am drowning my confusion in food (the extra ten pounds I put on surely is not helping). I feel uninspired and unmotivated. Is my depression lurking in all of these questions? Quite possibly.

I do know this though; I still have happiness within me. I still smile, I am still patient, I am still happy in a sense. I still have faith, and I hold onto joy, and I have hope that this is temporary and that bits of my purpose will be revealed over time. Yes, I have a lot of major questions, but if this is the depression that has followed me over the last fourteen years, it is different now. I can see how faith and hope mixed together has changed it. I can see how it has changed from a dark hole to gloominess. I just don't believe in the dark hole anymore.

So what is it going to take to get out of this? I don't know. Time? A drastic change? Some meaning? A call from God? A big event? Maybe just some acceptance on my part? I don't have the answer. I am hopeful that it will get better soon. That whatever conflict I am internalizing will be partially resolved with some peace and some soul searching. It just has to. But until then I will push away all of the fears and negativity that is keeping me down, and I will hold onto hope that the journey ahead is bright and amazing. That even though life has roadblocks, difficulties and disappointments, my purpose will be worth all of it. And, that this is just part of the bigger journey. Maybe the part where I get a glimpse inside of the life I truly want to live and the life God thinks I am worthy of. I am hopeful I can work all of this out and see more sunshine again. And I am truly thankful, that besides our finances, this is the biggest difficulty in my life right now. So immensely grateful.