Day 19 - I feel like I just woke up

I feel like I just woke up.

Did you read my post yesterday? Life has been a bit gloomy and I have been in a soul-searching funk. The first 18 days of this year brought a lot of questions and doubts about myself. But I didn't piece it all together. I didn't get it. Just like when I started My Year of Faith, I started it with a different vision. A vision that was true and rightly placed, but not deep enough. I think A Year Full of Hope is the same. I started it knowing that hope is something that is needed so desperately right now, but I didn't see the other layers. I didn't know how much I truly needed it. A year of discovering and trusting in myself and in God. A year of believing and hoping, even in the midst of confusion and disappointment. But today I finally understand how much I need hope in my life. How lost I am without it. How living without hope in my future and myself is hurting my relationship with God.

Over the last couple of weeks I have read three amazing books. Books about hope, grace, our life stories, and faith. I swear that God actually put these in my life exactly when I had a specific question about them. He is speaking to me through other people's words. I have been reading, taking notes, and feeling the connection... but I wasn't really listening deeply. I was still having doubts, drowning myself, not having hope in my future. But yesterday I got it. I saw it. I saw this blog for what it is. This blog is a year to discover how to believe in myself and how to have hope in a future that I cannot see. A way to work on the hidden part of me that believes God will never bless me with the ability to do anything great. A place to learn to have hope and to truly believe that anyone can be used for God's glory and that we are all worthy of his grace.

I feel like I have a fight within me and a bit of rocky terrain ahead of me. I have to find a way to push out the fog and embrace what is in front of me, even if I'm unsure of what that is. I have to put down the food that is feeding my uneasiness, anxiety, and my doubts. I have to fight to be healthier and to allow myself to be a better version of who I really am. I have to believe that if you keep doing good and loving others, that good things can happen with patience and time. And I have to hold onto hope and believe that God has anointed me to share his grace. I am a mess and somehow I have to use my faith and my heart to climb this next mountain. Not because I was forced to, but because I want to. Because I have hope in myself and in God's word. Because I have hope that God can use me in His plans and those plans can be better than I ever imagined. That life is about so much more than I have ever allowed myself to see. To have hope and break free of the normalcy of life and to step out in faith for other possibilities that may not be rich in worldly wealth, but rich in heavenly blessings.

Will you stay with me? Will you take this journey with me? Will you watch me struggle to address the lack of hope that has always been inside of me? To learn how to have hope through God's love and his superfluous blessings that have always been right in front of me. Maybe He will speak to us both along the way.

I feel like I just woke up.