Day 244 - Cure

The cure for our problems comes in a strange form: it comes through admitting weakness and through a humble heart. -Life's Healing Choices


 

Day 243 - A little more

A little more about our purpose... some of us are born with these amazing God-given talents and we know our purpose. Some of us go through crazy life-changing events that mold our purpose. And, some of us just aren't sure what our purpose is. That's okay; God just hasn't revealed them to us yet. So what do we do? We live with a servant's heart in everything we do. We use what we have to give to others. We volunteer, we help, and we love. And in God's time, through our serving heart or a life-changing event, God will reveal His purpose for our life. We need to open our heart to Him.

God put you where you are for a purpose, even if you feel unknown and unappreciated. Don't give up. keep on serving God. -The Purpose Driven Life



 

Day 242 - Purpose

I know I am talking a lot about finding who I am right now... but it's not how I act, why I do things, my likes, etc. I know that woman. It's finding myself in God's eyes. Understanding that the vision for my life that I have always had, is not the reality of who God made me to be. I am being confronted with the truth that God may not use me to do big things, at least not the big I have dreamed of. My vision and God's vision is not the same and I need to embrace that. I need to let go of the way I have always identified myself, and keep moving and trusting in God's plans for my life - no matter how big or small. I have felt lost in my purpose for so long... but by having faith, living for today, and trying to be more Christ like, I can feel joy and confidence in who I am.

I imagine people spend their whole lives trying to find their purpose and end up lost and defeated. I see how that happens; they are trying to fill a void that they have put inside themselves. They are trying to amount to something valuable in the eyes of the world. They want to be someone. They are desperate to feel important. That could be me. 

Slowly I am starting to understand that God molded each of us to have a purpose. If I spend my life trying to be the person I think I should be, I am completely blindsiding myself. I am missing all of the reasons God created me. I am running past the things I should be focusing on. What if my entire purpose in life is to be the mother to my three children? If I am blindly reaching for myself, how can I nurture them? Why isn't it enough to have that purpose, then say be a writer, speaker, and known woman of God? It is enough. It's more than enough and I should spend every minute embracing the talents God gave me to be the best mother I can be. And along the way use all of my talents and my heart to serve and love others. To be more Christ like. At the end of my life that purpose would be just as fulfilling, if not more, than any that I would have chosen for myself. 

I am tired of being lost. I am weary from wanting my own desires instead of listening to God's. He created me and I want to be worth my full value in His eyes by seeking out His purposes in my life, not my own. I want His will. Because now I see that a person's worth is not measured by how important they are, how much money they have, how big of a Christian they are, or which far corners of the earth they are changing... a person's worth can be found in how they love others, how they use their God-given talents, how firmly they plant their faith, and how much they trust God's working in their life.

 

Day 241 - Identity

One of the first things that was said at church this weekend is, "if you don't know who you are, you can't be happy." This whole year has been about finding myself and finding hope. Surprisingly, it's been a crazy journey and my depression kind of brought everything out into the open for me over these last few weeks. A blessing in disguise. This year is making me stronger, opening my eyes up to my life, and has made me evaluate the way people have pinned me down and tried to label me. I am accepting my weaknesses, confronting my fears, and learning to let go. It has not been an easy road and I am still in the muck of it. But God is opening my eyes to see what the journey is all about and why growing in your identity can be painful, heartbreaking, but completely necessary.

God does his deepest work in your life when he deals with your identity — who you are and the way you see yourself. -Rick Warren


 

Day 240 - Heart

I am learning to rely on who I am, not on the woman others choose to see me as.

Your heart reveals the real you - what you truly are, not what others think you are or what circumstances force you to be.  -The Purpose Driven Life

I know my heart is good. I know that I am good. And I am learning to let everything else go. God gave me this heart to serve and that is the heart I am offering to the world. I know that I cannot please everyone. I cannot be who they want me to be, because God created me to be who He wants me to be. And that's what matters most.

 

Day 239 - Germs

There is so much I want to write about, but I have a sick baby to love on. It looks like another week of illness in our home. But you know what? That's my job. To be mom and to take care of all of their hurts. More unexpected interruptions, more tossing the calendar to the side, more trashing plans, and more giving up my needs. When it comes to my children, that's what God created me to do. To be present, to nurture, to love, and to protect. There is nothing else that matters. And that's our job as a family, to step back and love whomever is hurting. I know the other kids will be disappointed of cancelled plans and more days stuck at home, but I want them to understand that we are in this together. We take care of each other. That's what being a family is all about. And most often, life doesn't happen as planned.

And so as I get ready to welcome in a new week, I am trying to thank God for illnesses that disappear. For the germy kids who get them. For a house to be safely sick in. And for love that keeps us going. Yes, I am disappointed that we will probably be in this for the long haul (two more kids who probably will get sick), but that's just life. And before I was vomited on today...I was thinking to myself how beautiful life really is. And you know what? Nothing has changed.


 

Day 238 - Rushing

We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. -Psalm 39:6 (NLT)

We do spend a lot of time rushing don't we? I know I do. I'm not sure that any rushing I have ever done has changed my life. I want to stop and take a breath.


 

Day 237 - Interruptions

It never fails, as soon as I set out to do something, something else holds me back. After my first run I got sick. Either the stomach flu or food poisoning hit me this week. But it just proves you can't take life too seriously. You can't have control over everything. You have to let go of crazy expectations. And almost always, life hands out interruptions. How you handle them is what matters the most.

 

Day 234 - 195 miles with God

Today is officially the first day of training for my half marathon in November. I have been running this whole time, but as of today I will be following a structured twelve-week program to prepare myself. On one hand I know it's going to be ridiculously difficult the further alone I go, but on the other hand I am looking forward to achieving each goal and feeling strong. I love the way my focus sets in and I don't look back.

As I prepare to really open myself up to this new journey, I realize what I am looking forward to the most is my time with God. He meets me there... on the pavement. I spend a lot of time asking Him to give me strength and asking Him for guidance. On my runs there is a lot of soul searching and clarity, which refreshes me every day. I just calculated that I will have run 195 miles from today until I finish the race. That's a lot of quality time with God.

This race is not just a test of how far I can run; it's a test of what I can do through Him who gives me strength.

I am ready - bring it on.


 

Day 233 - Finding my rock again

Today I am pinching myself. I have to remember how crazy lucky I am. How much I have in my life. How grateful I should be every day for what God has given me. Sure, life isn't easy...depression, finances, and conflict will get the best of you. But those are all things that can be overcome, moved to the side, and are nothing compared to what people in this world suffer from. Just like Paul said in yesterday's post, "I am not going to go back on that." 

It's time to find my own worth. It's time to do things because I want to better the world, not because I want the glory. It's time to step outside of this box that is all about me, and live a different kind of life. A life of contentment, faith, hope, and love. A life that does not focus on what is happening to me. How can you find joy in that?

I stood on a rock of faith last year that was based on being grateful for what we had, not what we lost. I need to learn to live the rest of my life like that, not just in times of crisis.

A new path is being carved out today. I am finding my rock again.
  
 

Day 232 - Identity

It was very obvious when I met with my new doctor that I am struggling with my identity. This was no surprise to me since everything that I previously identified myself with is gone. My career, our money, my old goals, and on and on. Yet I was surprised with how sad it has made me. Somehow it has manifested itself in my soul and I am running circles, totally lost. My whole body shouts, "I want a big, big, big purpose and I want it now Lord!" But nothing presents itself and I feel meaningless. It's a really difficult trap to be in, and only you can snare yourself.

Today's sermon at church was about identity and confidence (imagine that). It was about how Paul finally stopped trying to tirelessly please God. Instead, he followed Christ's example and left his ego behind. He decided to live a life of faith, not a life of impressing others. From everything that has come across my eyes these last few weeks, I would call that a life of love. Making love your highest goal. Letting your love for others guide you every day. Trusting that God's plans are better than anything you envisioned for yourself. Allowing yourself to let go of what you believed made someone successful, happy, or important. Being content with what you have. Isn't it enough?

When I left my doctor's office I felt angry with God. "God why did you create me to be so ambitious, and yet I am the one who has lost her identity? I look around and other people still have their careers, are doing amazing things, have crazy purposes... and yet I have nothing big in my life. Lord, my drive is a part of who I am and you made me this way? Why?"

Somehow I am redefining the word HOPE in my life. God is showing me that it's not about hoping for what He can do for me in the future. It's about feeling joyful with the present. It's about trusting that God has my future in His hands, a future based on His love. Because, after all, it's not about me. It's about using what God has given me, right now, to spread my love to others. It's about journeying forward in confidence in who God created me to be and finding freedom in that. And that should be enough.

It's a big big lesson to learn... and I am trying.

"My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that."
- from Galatians 2:20 (MSG)
  
 

Day 231 - At all times

I will praise the Lord at all times; 
his praise is always on my lips.
-Psalm 34:1 (NCV)

 

Day 230 - Lovely

I don't know how she does it, but my friend Steph always emails me the perfect verses that can sink into my soul. It's like she truly understands how I am feeling. Her faith is pretty amazing.

Here are the latest:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ~2 Timothy 4:7

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. ~Psalm 34:17

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. ~Psalm 147:3

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you,...I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. ~Zephaniah 3:17

I am so thankful for my friends. For friends that I rarely get to see or talk to, for friends that go deep into my past, for friends that hang around no matter what happens. I have received two emails this week that literally picked me up and dusted me off. Because, like I said, it's hard to face yourself. When you are deep in depression and even in growth, it's hard to see things about you that are lovely because everything is uprooted. To Steph and I.M., thank you for making me feel a little bit lovely.

Color is coming back into my world....the grey clouds are starting to part. I feel like I am starting to see myself again.

  
 

Day 229 - Hard choices

Here is what I am thinking about today...

Change is not easy. It's not easy to acknowledge that you have faults and that you need help. It's not easy to grow in character and to grow in faith. In fact, it's really really really hard. We can choose to ignore the facts in front of us and to keep going on the path of unhappiness, or we can choose to make a change, to confront our fears, and to accept our imperfections.

I am certainly on a path right now. A path I was forced, but willing to take because of my depression. And you know what? It's not fun or easy, but it's where I need to be. And at the end of the day I see all of the areas I need help in, but I also can be proud of myself and how far I have come. I can be proud that I have decided to take the harder path to make my life even better. To fix what may be broken. To give my depression and myself a fighting chance. And while the more I work on it, the more I also cry.... I can see that this path really is the one leading me down the journey that is hope.

And hope is what this year is all about.

Today I am thankful that God puts the right people in my life, to say the right things, exactly when I need to hear them. Sometimes they are hard to hear, but through love, faith, and hard work I can become a better version of me.

Sometimes the hard choices will bear the most fruit.

  
 

Day 228 - Prayer

At the end of church my pastor prayed a prayer that said something along these lines.

Lord, please help me take the focus off of myself and see the people around me who need my love every day.

Imagine if we started every single day with that prayer. What a great reminder that's it's not about us, it's about loving others. That each day's goal should be to love the people around you. Just another reminder to, "Let love be your highest goal."

That prayer is now written next to my computer for me to see every morning.
  
 

Day 227 - Today

Today I returned emails and dove into my life again. It feels... normal. I still feel like I have a lot of catching up to do from months of ignoring life, but do I dare say that the sun is out? I am meeting with my new therapist again this week and I am looking forward to seeing what that appointment holds. I strongly urge anyone, in any walk of life, going through any rough time, to seek professional help. It's medicine for your soul.

And so hope has entered into my life again. I am so thankful for a God that loves me enough to stay by my side these last two weeks. I may not have felt like He was there, but He certainly was. Every step of the way. And as I continue to feel better I know that He won't leave and that He will be there to help me dust myself off and love myself enough to keep moving forward on my journey of life.

I'm certain that God uses suffering to test me, to purify me, and to make me stronger, and because of that, I'm willing to stay connected to him... This is how joy and sorrow coexist. 
-from Dangerous Surrender

  
 

Day 226 - Words

I remember when I was in high school (I think), a woman at the grocery store told me that I have a beautiful smile. Now I'm not saying that I don't, but I have imperfect teeth and it's never been anything that anyone has told me since. I think I have a normal and gummy kind of smile that often turns out to be a little awkward.

Why am I telling you this? Because somehow all of these years later I remember what that woman told me. She was a total stranger and yet her words stuck in my brain forever. I can't remember all of the things people have said to me over the years, but harsh words are certainly harder to forget aren't they. And yet her kind words stuck. It wasn't a big deal for her to compliment me, it took away a minute of her life. I thought of that exact moment when I read this line.

The words people say to us not only have shelf life but have the ability to shape life. -Bob Goff

Amazing to be reminded that our words can stay with people forever. Our children, family, friends, and even strangers at the grocery store. I'm pretty sure that loving words and actions are part of God's plan.

Let love be your highest goal. -1 Corinthians 14:1
  
 

Day 225 - From church today

He knows us far better than we know ourselves... That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. -Romans 27-29 (Mes)

  
 

Day 224 - Where I am

I am still in a cloudy place. It's not dark, but I'm not fully in the sunshine. I'm close though. These things take time, depression takes time, and I am okay with that. I know that this is just the way that I heal. And yet, the dark times are where I learn the most about God and about myself. It's where I spend the most time trying to rebuild and restore, and often I end up with a soulful makeover.

God never wastes a hurt. -Rick Warren

Little nails and a steady hammer can rebuild a life. -Ann Voskamp
  
 

Day 223 - Bend in the road

I've learned that God sometimes allows us to find ourselves in a place where we want something so bad that we can't see past it. Sometimes we can't even see God because of it. When we want something that bad, it's easy to mistake what we truly need for the thing we really want. When this sort of thing happens, and it seems to happen to everyone, I've found it's because what God has for us is obscured from view, just around another bend in the road.
- from Love Does

I often wonder what is around my bend in the road.

 

Day 222 - A time

I'm a mess....what's new? But at least I'm a mess that God dearly loves. I am His child. I am His creation, and that's pretty good.

We know that life hands us good times and bad times. That there is a time for everything, and right now this is my time. A time for healing. A time for building. A time for crying. And a time for searching.

For everything there is a season, 
a time for every activity under heaven. 
A time to be born and a time to die. 
A time to plant and a time to harvest. 
A time to kill and a time to heal. 
A time to tear down and a time to build up. 
A time to cry and a time to laugh. 
A time to grieve and a time to dance. 
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. 
A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 
A time to search and a time to quit searching. 
A time to keep and a time to throw away. 
A time to tear and a time to mend. 
A time to be quiet and a time to speak. 
A time to love and a time to hate. 
A time for war and a time for peace. 
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8(NLT)

 

Day 221 - Two things

I cannot recall a time in my life where I had daily reoccurring religious themes. I can't remember feeling like God was telling me the same things over and over and over again. And then there is now. Since I have been depressed God has continually (and I mean daily) reminded me of two things. He has done it through books, at church, in a devotional, within my day, and in random conversations. So here they are:

1. All of the beauty in life proves that God exists. He created everything and his magnificent details are indescribable. Beauty is all around us and it's proof that He loves us, He wants us to marvel in it, and that He is our creator. It is hard to understand how any human can ignore the preciseness and the unconquerable loveliness that surrounds us every single day.

2. God created us exactly as we are and He loves us just this way. God gave us unique gifts and talents to be used to impact other peoples' lives. While people find faults in who we are, God finds each of us to be His gift and His workmanship. There comes a point when we need to just let other people's perceptions of us go and find our worth in Christ. We need to trust that His plans for our lives will be far better than what we can do ourselves because He created each one of us for a purpose.

I don't know why God wants me to be constantly reminded of these two things... okay maybe I get the second one a little more. But I know in my heart that God is using this really painful time in my life to teach me lessons and to show me realities of a life of faith and hope. I feel like He has been flooding my soul with ways to grow and change even more. He has been shining sunlight into my world so that every day gets a little bit brighter. He wants to use this time to open my eyes.

It's amazing that in the darkest pits, God can still find us.


 

Day 220 - Secure

I feel like I have given up so much of my identity over the last few years. Sometimes I don't even recognize the woman in front of me and I wonder why all of my accomplishments seem worthless now.  All those years at my job, getting my MBA, being good about saving money. I feel lost when I think about my place in the world.

And then there is this.

It's about our pride. He asks if we'll give up that thing we're so proud of, that thing we believe causes us to matter in the eyes of the world, and give it up to follow Him. He's asking us, "Will you take what you think defines you, leave it behind, and let Me define who you are instead?"

When we get our security from Christ, we no longer have to look for it in the world, and that's a pretty good trade.

-from Love Does

I have already given it all to God and now I see that He is in the process of defining who I am on His terms and His time. All I need to do is feel secure in Christ and I will no longer need to wonder what the world thinks of me or worry about my worth.

This reminds me of when I first started running. I used to wear this one particular hat every time I ran. I didn't want anyone to recognize me because I cared what other people thought. I refused to run without it and even ran a race with it on. And then one day I left it at home. It wasn't comfortable and it wasn't helping me. On that day I stopped caring what anyone thought of me. I didn't care if they judged the way I ran, the way I looked, or who I was. I was suddenly secure. And now I think about having that same feeling every day, in all situations, and in my heart. Secure that no matter what it looks like I am doing, becoming, achieving to other people... it just doesn't matter. Only my security in God matters.

And I love that.


 

Day 219 - Light

When God wants to calm my soul He sends me light rays. He did it after my friend committed suicide. He did it after a series of attacks on who I am. And He has done it twice this week. Once (top picture) while out with my kids and twice (bottom pics) on my run this morning. It's just the way that I know that He is looking down on me when I am in turmoil. It's no accident.

I am fighting a battle inside of me. I have been fighting it for about 10 days now. It's a battle of accepting myself, healing, and finding meaning in darkness. I know this battle, I have fought it before, but it feels different now. It's different because I am different. My faith is stronger and so it's feels like I have more to defend. I really don't know how to explain it. But I am fighting and every day I get a little better. This time around I will be getting outside help, I usually only call in the troops when I really need it, and I do. I need someone to hear me work this all out. It has always helped in the past and I know that this time around it will help too. There is no shame in seeking guidance.

Despite my depression, life is good. I know this. God is good and He has not forsaken me. He is changing me. He is going to use this time to make me stronger. He is allowing me to suffer so that I can grow. So that I can live. So that I can see.

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. -Romans 5:3-4


And isn't that what I am trying to produce this year... hope? Yes, yes it is.



 

Day 218 - Truth

This is all I needed for today.


Never doubt in the dark what God told you in the light. -Raymond Edman


We should all write this down and keep it somewhere safe. Somewhere visible. Because darkness is where we start to doubt, question, wonder....because we are lost and confused. We need to be reminded that just because it is dark, does not mean we are alone. We need to remember that all of His promises are still true. In any light.



 

Day 217 - I know

When I am depressed I can't talk to my friends on the phone, reply to emails, listen to voicemails, etc. It takes everything out of me to just live that day and to live it normally. To go to soccer meetings and smile at everyone I meet. To maintain our family life. To take care of my kids the best that I can. I don't know why it's like that, but it is and it's been that way as long as I can remember.

You know what else I noticed today? I can't pray. Maybe because it's like talking to a friend, but I just can't go there. It seems so counterproductive. I should be praying more at this moment than ever before, but the words won't come out unless I force them. But here's the thing, God knows my heart and he knows my hurts. He knows what's inside of me, what I am sheltering, and the floods I am trying to protect. He knows my needs and my wishes. He knows this part of me. And I hope that He can hear the cries from my heart, asking Him for help... even though they are not my vocal words. He knows my faith, my strength, and fears. He knows all of yours too...whether or not you share them.

I have been building myself on a foundation of faith and hope. And although I am depressed I have this knowledge and security that everything is going to be okay. That this too shall pass. That I will work it all out and I will be stronger. Because God uses our worst hurts for good. And somehow when I climb out of this pit... I will be a little bit tougher and ready for the journey ahead.

I know God hears the prayers of my heart, even when I can't say them.



 

Day 216 - Who I am

I have been very introspective lately about the things that I want, how to get them, and what is meant to be in my life. On one hand I feel like I have been blindly waiting forever to see where God is going to lead me, and on the other the hand I feel like I am always planning my future without His help because He has not answered my cries yet. It can be so frustrating and heartbreaking not knowing what to do or if I am following His call. And sometimes I lean towards taking matters into my own hands just so things will happen. And then I read this.


How often we plan, and take, without praying and asking God for wisdom and guidance. Afterwards we piously thank the Lord for what we have procured for ourselves. Often our choices lead to unhappy predicaments out of which the Lord must graciously help us. We all must learn to pray and wait.
- from Women of the Bible


So that's it. Pray and wait. Such a simple concept and yet it takes so much trust, patience, faith, and hope to do.

-----------------------------------

On another note...for those who have been with me you know that I have suffered from depression since I was 17. I live a very happy and healthy life and it usually sneaks up on me for little bouts of time. I can almost always see it coming and maneuver through it. But this time it not only snuck up on me, but it got me good. I have not been this depressed in probably eight years or more. I am doing so much better today, but that is why I needed a little time away from writing. In fact I have taken a little bit of time away from a lot of things over the last 6 or 7 days. But the sun shines a little brighter every morning and I am going to be just fine!

With that being said, my depression is a part of who I am. It's part of the way that God made me and I am not ashamed of it. I think that had I not experienced this part of my life, I would not be able to write about my feelings so easily, be understanding to others, or be so passionate about faith, hope, and love. This is who I am and exactly who God intended me to be. A woman who sees dark and light in different depths than most others.



 

Day 215 - Away

Where have I been? I took a little vacation. On one hand I really did take an actual vacation. We went to the river and the place we were staying at had zero reception. No emails, text messages, Facebook, Instagram, or Blogger. In reality it was a nice change even though I wasn't expecting it. It's nice to completely get away. On the other hand I also took a different sort of vacation after we got back. A vacation from myself. I'll get into it more over the days ahead... but I just needed to not have to do anything. I needed a break.

And so here I am 8 days after my last post... ready to pick up where I left off. Ready to open myself up again. Ready to put hope in the center of everything.

I have missed you.