Day 31 - Preparing

Some days are just too much. We all have been through this. The days where you face disappointment and stress continually, one right after another... all day long. Those days are so hard, and I think the hardest part about them is trying not to dwell on what has happened as the day ventures forward. You have to take each situation and not let it run into the next. I had that day yesterday. A day full of disappointments and so many burdens. Stress that brought me to my knees. I feel like God is suddenly piling it all on again. Our financial stress is high and my morale is low. But, if I have learned anything so far, it's that God can do big things in all situations and that you just have to have faith that whatever it is will somehow work out and have hope that it will eventually get better. I know I can do that. Even though time has passed, those feelings of living completely on faith are still fresh in my mind. If we could get through it then, I can get through this now. I can trust that God will see my through.

I just heard someone talk about their life and how they had an intense period of time where they were bombarded with depression, anxiety, problems, and much more. He can now see that during that time, God was preparing him to be able to handle great deals of stress and criticism so that he would be able to live the highly scrutinized and stressful life he lives right now. Of course, my life is not on that scale, but I have always felt like God has been preparing me for something else. He has put me in more than one unfavorable situation over the last few years where my character was attacked, or my life was torn open, and I had to figure out how to respond. I had to learn to change. I had to feel all of the feelings that come with intense situations. I had to decide who I was going to be.

I don't know what God has planned for me, but on the really awful days, I like to think that God is preparing me. That even in the heart breaking situations He is teaching me how to have unshakable confidence. That all of the trials and dark days are getting me ready for the new adventure he has waiting ahead.  With those thoughts, it almost makes the worst days seem bearable.  I have felt God working in me in the unhappiest time and I have hope that no loss, hurt, stress, or disappointment is in vein. I have that hope for your life too. Live even the most unfavorable days with the belief that God can use that day for good.

 

Day 30 - Out of the box

There was a little part spoken in church yesterday that really tugged at my heart. It wasn't the main point of the message, but I heard it and I loved it.

No one knows your full potential, not even you. Spend time in God's word to get out of the box that other people have put you in.

Don't we all feel misunderstood? One of the hardest things for me is when people see me in a completely different light from who I truly am and what I am trying to accomplish. It's so hard to know that others just don't get you. That people don't believe in you. That they have decided you are a certain way and you cannot change their perception. I don't like being in a box that someone else has put me in.

The good news is that our potential is far larger than what we can imagine, we just need to unlock it. God knows what you are capable of... but you have to use your faith and God's direction to get there. You have to change the way you are living to really grasp how far you can go. And even if you don't quite have faith in yourself, it doesn't mean it can't happen for you. Let God change your heart, your perception, and your life so that you can finally believe in yourself and see your worthiness. Because no matter who you are, what you have done, or where you are headed, you are still capable of living an amazing life full of blessings, grace, and loveliness. A life you were never able to dream of for yourself. Let God work in you and let the peace of His plans take over.

I need this.

 

Day 29 - Peace

While writing my prayers in my journal last week I noticed a similarity that had not occurred before. Almost every prayer for someone was asking for peace. Peace in their life, their situation, their soul, or in their relationships. So many people are in a state of unhappiness, anxiety, and depression right now. Is it the time of year, the weather, or the changes in life? I don't know what it is, but I can feel it in the air. I so desperately want others to have peace in their lives. I want it in all parts of my life as well.


“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV1984)


We can find peace with God and in His Word. That is where I have found it before. Dive in and speak honestly. Find yourself some rest.

Sending out love to all of you today.


 

Day 28 - Change

I used to hate change. I was always so scared of what would happen when change hit my life. Of course change is scary, but change can be so good. The problem is that you just need to let go. You need to let life work itself out. You need to let the change happen instead of fight it. You need to be open to it, instead of complain about it all of the time. You need to give it a chance and see what happens. Over the last three and a half years we have had so many changes. At first it was exhausting and terrifying, but God spoke to me then to just let go, even if it was our house or my dreams. And I did. I let go when I knew I had to.

When something happens in your life that requires change, accept it, pray about it, open yourself to it. I know it's hard, devastating, scary but it's a season of your life that needs to ebb and flow. You need to go with it, see where it takes you, and learn to embrace it. Somewhere in there is a lesson, a blessing, or a part of your future.

Allowing change has given me hope and a peace that I never used to have before.


 

Day 27 - Living

This last month has been difficult for us financially. But then again, it doesn't compare to what we went through last year. Nonetheless we are struggling a bit and it's not my favorite place to be in. What do I take comfort in? I know that we will be okay and that we will receive financial blessings along the way. We always make it through. However, I don't dare say that we "deserve" to be doing better by now. Going to a place of believing you deserve things is unhealthy and so unrealistic. This is my path and my journey and it's not my decision on how long it should last. I know that February will be rough on us as well, but I can take comfort in having hope that March will be better, and then April, and so on. And if they aren't? Well then we will just have to keep hanging in there using all of the skills of living on a small budget that we have learned so far. And you know what, it's still so much better than it was. We have so much to be thankful for, and we have so much hope that our future will be bright again someday. And to be honest, our financial situation is not what puts a smile on my face at the end of the day. It's my sweet little two-year-old falling asleep with his arms around me. Now that's living.

I have a lot of peace right now.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romans 15:13 (TNIV)




 

Day 26 - God's Will

I don't know why I feel compelled to write about this tonight, but I just do. Something I have been learning about is the misuse of the term "God's will." My pastor explained to us that we cannot attribute evil or bad things to God's will. Those things are almost never God's ways, but God does allow bad things to happen because he has given us free will to do what we want and to make our own decisions. The example he used was of victims in a crash caused by a drunk driver. That crash was not God's will. The drunk driver used his free will to do something bad and the victims died because of it. That is not God's purpose for their lives. God is grieving for them just as people on earth are. But what God can do is somehow make something good come out of it, and He usually does in some small or very big way. God is still faithful.

Another book I am reading said:

"You may have dramas in your life that didn't work out the way that you wanted, but don't blame that on God. Sometimes you make your own messes. He warned us that because of sin in this world, we would have trouble. But He is still faithful." -from Big God


I don't know if our financial situation is God's will or not. I do know that He has been faithful through it all. Whether we made the mess ourselves, or if it's because of the financial mess our country is in, or if it's a part of a larger plan He has always had for me.... He has made so much good come out of it. While we are still struggling madly every single day, we are still richly blessed. While we want to cry most days at the pile of bills that we cannot pay and the headaches that come with them, we rejoice in all of the things we do have. We make the best of it. And you know what? I won't know on this earth why it all happened, but I will ask Him someday with thanksgiving.

There are so many misconceptions about God, Jesus, religion, etc. Terms like "God's will" are overused, or the belief that we become angels when we go to Heaven (angels are separate) is false. I think it's important to try and grasp these things the best that we can. Read the Bible, study the Word, try and gain more understanding. We won't know the whole truth until we see Him again, but one thing that is sure is that God is faithful in all circumstances. Just be open to seeing, receiving, and believing it, and you will have proof.

Faith and hope.


 

Day 25- Sleep and Surrender

After the kids go to bed at night, I stay up late writing blog posts and working. I think my usual bedtime is around 1am. Luckily I am a night owl. Last night though, well let's just say I could not keep my eyes open. I fell asleep at my desk around 11pm. While that is highly unusual for a Tuesday night, I was obviously done. My first reaction was to worry and to fight it. No I HAVE to write my posts, I HAVE to stay up. I tried so hard, but it got me nowhere, I was way past being just "sleepy," so I picked myself up and went to bed. I never pray in bed, but somewhere in my exhaustion before I fell asleep I prayed. I thanked God for my day and asked Him to watch over us. What I really did was surrender. I surrendered to sleep and I surrendered to God. I admitted that I don't know what is best for me and fighting for what I want does not work, in sleep and in life.

 And strangely, as I am writing this post, I am watching my daughter experience something similar. Her asthma has been acting up, which means she has bad cold-like symptoms and needs constant breathing treatments. This morning she has been very naughty. Extra crying, whining, and being not so nice. She was in a fighting mood all morning, demanding what she wanted. I stepped away from the situation and when I came back she was sleeping... at 10am in the morning. My little girl maybe naps once a week in the late afternoon, if ever. This morning, she was fighting it. She was fighting everything. And in the end sleep won, she surrendered.

 I look at these events and see the correlation in my life. Last year I learned to surrender to God's plans, which is hard for someone like myself who wants to control everything. But I am realizing that sometimes we think we have surrendered but we are still holding on trying to force our lives to be a certain way. To make parts of our life fit into a square when it's obviously a circle. We aren't actively seeking out God's plan for our life. I know it's hard and confusing but a lot of prayer, a lot of God's word, a lot of faith, and opening your eyes to see God's direction for you, can help you surrender. Really. I still need it in my life. I need the lesson that sometimes the things we want to get done, are not what really need to be done. We do not know best. My body told me that last night, my daughter's body is telling her that now, and God is telling me that always. Surrender to God's plans, they will always be better than the plans you have for yourself. Find rest in Him.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him." -Psalm 62:5

 

Day 24 - Afflicted

"It is good for me that I was afflicted,
That I may learn your statutes." -Psalm 119:71


I found this verse yesterday. It's so hard for me to explain to people that what we went through (and are still dealing with) is really one of the best things that has happened to me. Sure, I have days where I am so sad and frustrated, but the truth is in my heart and I keep it with me daily. You may ask why I feel this way. It's not because I feel like God's purpose was to teach us how to be better prepared financially in the future (although I did learn a lot), it's because I have felt something that I could never have understood without affliction in my life. I have lived His word, not just read it. I have been blessed by His word, not just heard it. I have accepted His Word as proof that God does exist because He has answered my specific prayers. He has whispered and shouted at me. He has blessed me with more than I deserve, even in the hardest times. His love shined down on me in the darkness and I felt it.

"You keep track of all my sorrows;
You've collected all my tears in your bottle.
You've recorded each one in your book." -Psalm 56:8

Now that time is passing and new events are unfolding, I feel like I can see small blessings I may have otherwise missed. That perhaps an unfortunate conflict with someone in my life is really meant to teach me how to deal with something in the far off future. Or maybe God's purpose for a bad situation is to grow a stronger bond with someone new. Tears surely help us deal with heartache, but they can also be a window into something new and unseen. All of these afflictions in our lives can bring us so much closer to God and to being hopeful within ourselves. Something I need so desperately right now. But you know what, I am starting to feel it. I am starting to feel hope grow inside of me. I thought that I started this year with so much of it, but shortly I discovered that it was depleted and that I was unsure and afraid to trust. And now, I am starting to see a little seed of hope sprout inside of me. Over time with nurturing and God's word, I am optimistic that I will become a woman full of peace, strength, trust, and confidence and that my seed of hope will grow into a garden full of love and truth. I pray that God can work those kinds of miracles in my life. He has already done so much.

 

Day 23 - My week

It's Monday, which means my to-do list is long and my week is full. So much organizing, calling, mailing, creating, sending, and writing. So many bills, problems, and financial issues to take care of. It's just the way our life is right now, never enough and so much to take in. But, the truth is, I am not stressed or worried. Sure I can feel overwhelmed at times, but I take each day one at a time. I live for the moment and I trust in the process. I know that somehow it will all work out, and it always does. So I wait with hope that what we need will arrive and what has to be done will get done. I will diligently plan ahead so that everything is in the best order it can be. I have hope that the mix of planning and trusting will get us through each month, to a better month right around the corner.

It can be downright hard to have hope in everyday life when you are bogged down with bills, sorrows, or unexpected transitions. But trusting God and having hope in the smallest daily circumstances is what builds your faith. If you cannot have hope in the tiniest parts of your life, how will you be able to trust God in the most difficult times? Trust Him in everything, have faith in all parts of your day, have hope that things will work out just as they are supposed to. Do not let fear, worries, or denial stop you.

I am going to spend my week having hope in all circumstances. When things feel unbearable or frustrating, I will pray and I will trust. When I am fearful, I will replace my fear with hope. I will find joy in my life regardless. I am not proclaiming to be good at this, because I'm not, I am still learning. But I am willing to try. I am willing to give God the parts of my life that I am trying to control and pray about them. I am willing to let go and have hope in His plans for me. To keep an open dialogue with Him all day long so that he can see my hesitations and my fears. I just know that having that kind of hope and trust in the small parts of every day life will prepare me for the bigger events down the road and will provide me with calm moments in the middle of our regular storms.


"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romans 15:13 (NLT) 


 

Day 22- Imperfection is beautiful

Today I am so grateful for my brokenness. I am thankful that God still loves me despite all of my imperfections, blunders, sins, and my unlovable days. I am never unlovable to Him. I am also grateful that many times our imperfections and our weaknesses are what bring us together. When we share our true hurts and our hang-ups we can forge the deepest bonds and the most beautiful friendships. I am so blessed that God uses my most difficult times to speak to other people (He does that for you too). I have learned that I would rather be honest with someone, than pretend I live in a perfect life. When I see someone trying so hard to be perceived as perfect I want to whisper, "It's okay, you will be loved and respected more if you are honest. If you let us see your heart a little bit. If you will just let us wrap you up in love for exactly who you are." We are all imperfect.

God, thank you for loving me despite all of my imperfections. Thank you for using my hurts, hard times, and my hang-ups to not only glorify You, but to allow me to grow closer to others. You have taught me that the best way to love someone else is to be honest, open, and available and that fellowship comes from the messes in our lives, not from all of the squeaky clean parts.
 
 

Day 21 - Her words

"I'll be honest: The hard places can seem unbearable. It's dark and it's scary, and even though I know God said He will never leave or forsake me, sometimes it's so dark that I just can't see Him. But then the most incredible thing happens: God takes me by the hand and walks me straight out of the hard place and into the beauty on the other side. He whispers to me to be thankful, that even this will be for His good.
It takes awhile sometimes, coming out of the dark place. Sometimes God and I come into a desert and he has to carry me through that too. Sometimes I slip a lot on the way out and He has to keep coming back to get me. Always, on the other side is something beautiful, because He has used the hard places to increase my sense of urgency and to align my desires with His. I realize that it was there that He was closest to me, even in the times when I didn't see Him. I realize that the hard places are good because it is there that I gained more wisdom, and though with wisdom comes sorrow, on the other side of sorrow is joy. And a funny thing happens when I realize this: I want to go to the hard place again. Again and again and again."
- from Kisses from Katie


It's not often that I want to post two whole paragraphs from a book. But I had to today. I'm still feeling a little broken and confused, which leaves me with a mess of words flying around in my head. And yet, here are words that were waiting for me to read them, waiting for me to understand part of how I am feeling.

I have just come from a dark place, a dark year. I grew so much from that and yet in the light now, I am not forced to grow and change. I don't have the same circumstances or the same urgency. And so, I sit here wanting to change, grow, learn and be more. I want to feel God's love wrapping me up every day; I want to feel Him answer my prayers in desperate times. But times are different, they are not easy, but they are not dark like they were. And so I don't have the extreme sorrow, which in turn caused extreme joy. So life feels gray here in between and that's hard. The gray is great, safe, and full of grace, but I miss the change in me. I miss the extreme thankfulness that I felt every day. I miss God.

I do believe that these feelings are part of the next steps in my life. Maybe we have to learn to live in the gray to really change. To prove our faithfulness, our unselfish love, and our growth. And, maybe it's just the part where we are supposed to take a deep breath and live.

 

Day 20 - Hope ahead

My sweet friend Stephanie sent me this verse yesterday:


"...forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead." -Philippians 3:13 (NKJV)


She reminded me that hope lies ahead of us, not behind us or in the present. While I have had an incredible thirty-one years of life, I love knowing that what lies ahead of me will be better than anything I have experienced so far. Isn't it amazing that your future is greater than your past? Doesn't that give you hope? It gives me hope. It gives me strength. It takes away the fear that wonderful blessings might not be possible. They are possible; it is in God's word!

God is filling me up with hope, one day at a time.


 

Day 19 - I feel like I just woke up

I feel like I just woke up.

Did you read my post yesterday? Life has been a bit gloomy and I have been in a soul-searching funk. The first 18 days of this year brought a lot of questions and doubts about myself. But I didn't piece it all together. I didn't get it. Just like when I started My Year of Faith, I started it with a different vision. A vision that was true and rightly placed, but not deep enough. I think A Year Full of Hope is the same. I started it knowing that hope is something that is needed so desperately right now, but I didn't see the other layers. I didn't know how much I truly needed it. A year of discovering and trusting in myself and in God. A year of believing and hoping, even in the midst of confusion and disappointment. But today I finally understand how much I need hope in my life. How lost I am without it. How living without hope in my future and myself is hurting my relationship with God.

Over the last couple of weeks I have read three amazing books. Books about hope, grace, our life stories, and faith. I swear that God actually put these in my life exactly when I had a specific question about them. He is speaking to me through other people's words. I have been reading, taking notes, and feeling the connection... but I wasn't really listening deeply. I was still having doubts, drowning myself, not having hope in my future. But yesterday I got it. I saw it. I saw this blog for what it is. This blog is a year to discover how to believe in myself and how to have hope in a future that I cannot see. A way to work on the hidden part of me that believes God will never bless me with the ability to do anything great. A place to learn to have hope and to truly believe that anyone can be used for God's glory and that we are all worthy of his grace.

I feel like I have a fight within me and a bit of rocky terrain ahead of me. I have to find a way to push out the fog and embrace what is in front of me, even if I'm unsure of what that is. I have to put down the food that is feeding my uneasiness, anxiety, and my doubts. I have to fight to be healthier and to allow myself to be a better version of who I really am. I have to believe that if you keep doing good and loving others, that good things can happen with patience and time. And I have to hold onto hope and believe that God has anointed me to share his grace. I am a mess and somehow I have to use my faith and my heart to climb this next mountain. Not because I was forced to, but because I want to. Because I have hope in myself and in God's word. Because I have hope that God can use me in His plans and those plans can be better than I ever imagined. That life is about so much more than I have ever allowed myself to see. To have hope and break free of the normalcy of life and to step out in faith for other possibilities that may not be rich in worldly wealth, but rich in heavenly blessings.

Will you stay with me? Will you take this journey with me? Will you watch me struggle to address the lack of hope that has always been inside of me? To learn how to have hope through God's love and his superfluous blessings that have always been right in front of me. Maybe He will speak to us both along the way.

I feel like I just woke up.


 

Day 18 - My gloom

I'm not going to lie... I am still in a funk from the beginning of this year. It has been coming and going and my motivation is missing and life feels gloomy. I'm not sure what is going on. Internally I can feel some kind of conflict. Where is my life at? What's next? What do I have to look forward to? How am I impacting lives right now? Will things get better and when? What am I supposed to be doing? When will enough money start coming in so that I can take care of our future? God, where do you want me right now? Why isn't something big happening? What is my purpose?

I can feel my mind and my soul tearing at each other. You have to remember that I am by nature an over achiever. I was born with ambition. How does a God-put-me-here stay-at-home mom with no money cope with the loss of her once ambitious life? How do I continue to cope without climbing a corporate ladder? Without money to define my success? How do I watch people that I was once ahead of, pass right by my? How do I define success in days of routines and of children? How can I define the rest of my life as successful? How can I be successful? I still thirst for it. And what makes a successful life? How am I going to be able to deal with understanding that achievement and money are separate in God-terms of a life well lived. That I cannot define a successful life by what I earn. I'm not going to lie to you; it's hard for me. I expected to have a life full of money. What if that never comes at me again? How will I cope?

I don't know what to do about this rut. It is either a rut or I am literally in the middle of a life changing discovery? I don't know. But I can feel it every minute in my day; I can feel it while I am drowning my confusion in food (the extra ten pounds I put on surely is not helping). I feel uninspired and unmotivated. Is my depression lurking in all of these questions? Quite possibly.

I do know this though; I still have happiness within me. I still smile, I am still patient, I am still happy in a sense. I still have faith, and I hold onto joy, and I have hope that this is temporary and that bits of my purpose will be revealed over time. Yes, I have a lot of major questions, but if this is the depression that has followed me over the last fourteen years, it is different now. I can see how faith and hope mixed together has changed it. I can see how it has changed from a dark hole to gloominess. I just don't believe in the dark hole anymore.

So what is it going to take to get out of this? I don't know. Time? A drastic change? Some meaning? A call from God? A big event? Maybe just some acceptance on my part? I don't have the answer. I am hopeful that it will get better soon. That whatever conflict I am internalizing will be partially resolved with some peace and some soul searching. It just has to. But until then I will push away all of the fears and negativity that is keeping me down, and I will hold onto hope that the journey ahead is bright and amazing. That even though life has roadblocks, difficulties and disappointments, my purpose will be worth all of it. And, that this is just part of the bigger journey. Maybe the part where I get a glimpse inside of the life I truly want to live and the life God thinks I am worthy of. I am hopeful I can work all of this out and see more sunshine again. And I am truly thankful, that besides our finances, this is the biggest difficulty in my life right now. So immensely grateful.


 

Day 17 - Giving hope

The hardest part of watching people I love struggle, is that I want to give them hope. I want to gently set sail and deliver it to them while they are sleeping. I want to slip it in their pocket the next time I see them. I want them to be happy. I want them to see their future in a different light. I want them to stop hurting themselves. I want them to have the ability to be joyful in all circumstances. But I can't, I can't give it to them. I can't set it upon them. I can't make them have hope. Hope comes from within you. It comes from your heart. It comes from trust in God or from whatever faith you may have. I cannot do any of that for someone else. But I want to so badly.

How do we give people hope? We live it. We have it in our own lives. Somehow, we believe in it in all circumstances. We speak gently about it, we share our life, and we let it shine from within us. Even when a chapter of our life does not end the way we wish, we show others that we understand that God and life are not about giving us what we want, no matter how much we are hurting. Instead, we move forward with hope in our hearts, transparent for everyone to see. We find hope in something and we hold on to it. Just like a life of faith, we live a life of hope, hopeful that somehow it will change someone else too.

So can you see how important it is to bring hope into your life? Not just for you, but also for your children, the people around you, circumstances in the future. How important it is to talk about it and to be honest about it. It doesn't mean that you won't have times where hope fades, or that you can never be devastated. It just means that it lies within you, forever. It means that it's a genuine belief that cannot be faked or exhausted. It's not a blind hope, where you just talk about it, it's the hope that you hold onto because you know that God has plans for your life. That God is trustworthy. That you cannot see the bigger picture, but you know that it is there. That life is not about walking around aimlessly, hoping that things work out for you. Hope is the assurance that nothing is in vain and that there are so many things to look forward to, if you just open your eyes and keep moving forward. If you vow to find the strength to never give up. When we find our own hope, we can inspire others to live a different life.

So for those that I love that have lost hope. Stay with me. I will spend this year searching and reading all about hope. I will think about it, write about it, and live it. And, hopefully somehow I can help you find it too.


 

Day 16 - His day

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. As I was searching for words of hope, I was taken back by all of the quotes I found full of love, beauty, and intense meaning. Words that still ring true today. He left behind so much wisdom. These are his words about hope; they are moving and inspiring.


“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” 


“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.” 


“Only in the darkness can you see the stars.” 


“This faith transforms the whirlwind of despair into a warm and reviving breeze of hope. The words of a motto which a generation ago were commonly found on the wall in the homes of devout persons need to be etched on our hearts: Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. There was no one there.” 


“everything that is done in the world is done by hope”

Day 15 - A life to cheer for

My life is not that much different than before. I do not have cancer, I have not lost a loved one, and my family is still together. But there are days, few and far between, where I miss my old life. I miss the mall, pilates, unlimited grocery shopping, being able to just "update" parts of the house, buying my kids stuff, and feeling like I have everything I need. You can never have everything you want, but there is a peace in feeling like you have everything you need. I miss that. I miss the financial security. I miss saving and planning and feeling like I am investing in our family. Like I said, these times don't happen often, but every now and then when I really need something like a pair of pants for an important meeting or an extra pair of shoes for the kids, or when I feel a little left behind in life, I miss it. I miss it a lot. It makes me feel inadequate and depressed. That former me is not only gone, but long gone. This is the Amanda that people know. I still live in between the old me and the present me. Afraid to let go of that old identity, of parties, beautiful gifts, and something always new.

And right smack dab in the middle of all of my feelings and self-pity, I started reading a book. The very beginning of the book talks about our lives and how a beautiful life and a meaningful life do not come from trying to live a life of getting what we want, like new things and possessions. No one cheers at the end of that life. And it got me thinking, would I give up this whole experience to go back to the way things were? Financial independence, working, having not only what I needed but I wanted too? Not feeling like every month we are just scraping by with no end in sight? I remember feeling like we would never get out of our hole before (and we made that step out), but I certainly feel like we will never get out of this one either. Buying a home seems like a million miles away. To be honest, just having money to spend however I please seems like a million miles away.

So would I? Would I go back and trade it all in? Be out of this tiny home with the kids all in one room? Be at a place where I don't have to constantly say no to everything? What would I be giving up to go back? This blog, a larger sense of faith and hope, a closer relationship with God, a new way for people to see me, a sense of purpose on some days. Would I give up the closer bond with my little family and the peace in my heart of knowing we got through it? The new relationships I have formed and the servant I am starting to become? Are these the things that people cheer for at the end of life? The things that truly matter? They have to be, right?

This is how I see hope in my life right now. The truest belief that in fact, life will not always be like this. That yes, I will always have struggles, but I can find hope and joy in my deepest fears and hurts because these struggles are what pulls us away from the life of always wanting, to the life of always living. The life that people cheer for at the end. The life that inspires and that lives on within others. The life that God has in fact chosen for me, because there is a bigger picture, and that picture is not meant to hurt me, but is meant to give me hope and a future. I can hold on to hope that these frustrations and sadness are growing me and molding me into a better me, free of the illusions of a life full of things. Because I believe that someday, God will test me with many things to see if I paid attention. Or perhaps, he will take many things away again to see if I was paying attention.

While I want out of this chapter of my life so badly, I hold onto hope and faith that everything has happened for a reason. That even at this very moment, God is working within me. Allowing me to struggle, feel inadequate, and hurt because I need to. Because there is so much ahead of me to feel hopeful about. Because He has whispered to me that I will always have the strength to continue and because the cheers at the end will be more than anything I could have ever owned. I have hope that this road, even lonely and sad at times, is the one that leads me to a life well lived.

Day 14 - Those who

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:31(TNIV)

 

Day 13 - They save me

And it still continues... I know many of you followed My Year of Faith last year. You were with us through it all, reading how our lives changed daily. That roller coaster is not over. Our finances are still in an upheaval, but they are so much better. I am beyond thankful to be in a position where we can provide for ourselves. There is work, we are living, and I am so grateful that God had plans for us.

Nothing is easy right now. We still want for a lot of things. We still struggle being able to pay for things that are not exactly luxuries, but are not true necessities either. We have to take our finances one day at a time, which is actually a really important lesson for us. We never assume that anything is promised financially down the road. We only use cash; there are no credit cards in our lives. And we really prioritize what are the most important items to buy. I do still struggle with how much we have to say no to. My heart wishes my daughter was in preschool (fingers crossed soon). Things like registering for MOPS has to come second to paying my car registration and then seeing what's left over. I constantly have to make due with what I already have (and be creative with it). My son has to wear out one pair of shoes at a time, and I have to say no to my sweet kids a lot, even though I am ready to start saying yes. At the same time, I never knew how to tell myself no before. I was never resourceful with what I already had. I wasted a lot. And now I love getting even one or two little wants! These are all great lessons. God has made it very clear to me that everything is not coming back right away. I'm still in it and He still has a lot to teach me.

Here's the kicker. My heart is bursting with hope. I have seen what God can do. I have watched Him provide for us in so many ways. He is still doing it. We took a little unexpected financial hit this month. The grocery budget became extremely limited, there is no room for any extras that have not been paid for, and we know that the next two months will be very tight. It's certainly no fun, but we have had so much worse. We know we can get through it. When I found out, I cursed for a little bit, and then I calmed down and thanked God for every dime we have in our pockets. Then last night we found out that there is a floating check coming my way. Imagine that. Not enough to buy a "big want," but enough to provide for our needs. Enough to let the heart release a little stress. Enough to take a breath and say "thank you God, that will bridge some of the gap." That is why I never let go of hope, I hold onto it in every situation. The bad, ugly, good, confusing, and depressing. I thank Him in all circumstances and then I have hope, and then I have more hope. I even have hope in the impossible because I know that nothing is truly impossible with God. I have hope and I have faith. And those two things together, they save me.

Day 12 - As for me

"As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more." -Psalm 71:14 (TNIV) 


 

Day 11 - An anchor

A verse I found yesterday.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." -Hebrews 6:19

My soul felt awakened just thinking about it. Hope is what secures our soul, our innermost being. When you are going through something difficult and you feel like your soul and your heart is empty, now you know why. You lost hope; there is nothing to center you. Nothing to protect you. You have to find some kind of hope in your own world to start to tie down your soul again, to feel again, to trust again, to find joy in life again. To feel placed. To feel like you can handle the life that is being thrown at you. 

Let hope guide you back to the place where you feel peace again. Let it weigh down your soul and make you feel safe.

I am constantly thinking about all of my friends and readers whose souls are lost and hurting. There is so much pain, confusion, and heartache. I wish I could take it all away. I pray for you constantly, many of you by name. I pray for hope in your life, to finally anchor you and bring you peace. For those I don't know by name you can email me, I will pray for you. I will pray for the possibility of hope in your life again. And for those who just feel unsettled right now, a little lost, find hope in something and hang on to it dearly.

Day 10 - Gratitude

I am reading a book called One Thousand Gifts that is about being thankful in all circumstances. Not an easy task, right? My hubby and I found ourselves in a situation this week where we thought that we would receive more money than what we actually got. You have all been there, right? A situation where you were disappointed by an outcome that you were counting on. I can think of this type of scenario not just financially, but emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. When I realized what happened I immediately felt panicked. What am I going to do? What happens next? Why did this have to happen? This book has really ingrained in me that the best way to get through the frustrations and anger is by being thankful. And, so right away I switched my thinking, and I was. I immediately thanked God for the source of any income. For the person who printed the check in my hand. For the ability right now to pay at least one bill. I thanked Him for all of the lessons He taught us last year and for ability to live on much less. I thanked Him for all the blessings He gives us every single day. In the midst of my mini crisis, I was whole. I was understanding. I was calm. I knew it would be okay.

I love that the author really stresses that you find joy in life by being thankful for what you already have. She uses so many instances as a mother, where she changes her thinking in a not-so-great moment with her kids, and it completely changes her heart. She learns so much more. Continual gratitude brings grace, joy, and acceptance. When someone hurts you, tell God all of the things you are grateful for in your life. When you are angry, be thankful. When your heart hurts more than you can bear, find a blessing somewhere around you, even if it's just a little bit of moonlight.

I have mentioned this before, but one of the things that got me through last year was the complete awareness that if everything I have financially can be taken away, so can everything that I love dearly. Including my children's health, our safety, and our shelter. Every time I prayed for help, I thanked him for those things first. I saw that gratitude for what I had changed my heart, but I never saw it in the small things. That when my daughter is throwing a tantrum, I need to thank God for her precious life and all of the things I love about her. That when plans do not work as expected, I need to be thankful for my time on earth and the people I share it with. Gratitude allows the heart to relax so that you can handle life's stresses easier.

I have tried it, it works. Trust me.

A life full of gratitude gives you the peace to put hope back into the center of your life; where pressures and anxiety try to control us. I am certainly not thankful enough for the beauty and blessings around me, but I can try to have more gratitude. I will try every day.

Day 9 - Hold on to hope

I have to admit, I lose hope when things are not happening quickly. Last year was not just a year of financial stress; it was a year about finding out who I am and where I am going. I prayed, submerged myself in the word, and made plans. Still, some days I would let a little bit of hope slip away because I felt like I was not going anywhere. My writing was the same, my days were the same, and there was no physical progress. Yes, I had faith that God was using my situation for good, but I lost hope in the plans that God had planted in my heart. Many days I felt like there was no hope for my future.

Have things really changed over the last year? In some ways yes and many ways no. I completed My Year of Faith. I met some amazing friends and readers who have lifted me up. I have new readers and a way to connect with them on Facebook. I was asked to speak to a great group of women about my story (what a dream). I have this new blog about hope. I was invited to write a weekly family blog for OC Family. I have had life changing emails and comments sent to me. And, I have a lot more confidence in my voice and my faith. But, has anything really changed as far as worldly success? Do I write a blog that reaches tens of thousands of readers a day? Am I being paid to write about my faith? Have I written a bible study yet, or a book? Have I brought anyone directly to Jesus? No. I have achieved personal goals, but I have not "gone anywhere" yet. Let's just say my success is very slow, at a snail's place (plus what's success really mean anyways).

Last year, I was not okay with this. I wanted it all right away; after all, didn't God kind of promise it to me? This year is so different; my heart is full and hopeful. All of those things that happened last year, albeit small, are huge to me. I see them so much more clearly with strength of faith and eyes of hope. If God gave me everything right away, how in the world could I handle it or understand it? I wouldn't even have the knowledge to succeed. Instead, God is teaching me new things daily to prepare me for my future. Like how to be a mother, woman, wife, friend, and human being. I took so much in last year; I now see that as pure success. Just opening my heart to hearing God's word was success.

Faith and hope allows me to see that a snail's pace is the perfect pace, God's pace is a perfect pace.  While I would like (okay love) to be making money writing or speaking about faith, it's just not in the cards right now. Should I lose hope, quit, move on? Absolutely not. Sometimes it takes years or decades for God to mold us. To use us. To teach us. If God has put a desire or a future on your heart.... let your patience guide you. Believe, when nothing is happening, that all of the gears are working hard, even if you can't see them. The small idleness of your day is making a difference in your path.

Whatever it is that God has called you to do, keep doing it. Maybe it's your job, your ministry, or just learning to live with joy or hope day-by-day. Every day IS progress towards something really wonderful. Hold on to hope.

I'm doing, waiting, hoping, and trusting.

"Wait and trust the Lord." -Psalm 37:7 (NCV)

Day 8 - Hope for

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." -Romans 8:24-25 (NIV)

Day 7 - Be open to hope

I know that it's hard to see hope in your life sometimes, but are you really looking? Hope doesn't just come in the form of answered prayers or a perfectly smooth routine. Sometimes hope takes form in a gorgeous day in the dead of winter, a birds nest by your door, stars that shine brightly in the sky, or the miracle of life right before you. The problem with this kind of hope is that you have to open your eyes and accept it into your life. You cannot see beauty if you do not acknowledge it. Sometimes we are so angry or hurt that we keep our eyes down, either afraid or too mad to look around. Or, sometimes we are too depressed to get up and walk outside. But if you can make the step or just look up, you will see hope everywhere.

I have a new theory about God and hope. When things are awful or horrible, God will provide evidence of hope in some way. Over the last few days here in Orange County, some horrific things have happened. I would rather not even talk about them, but we have a serial killer on the loose targeting the homeless, and a death due to spousal abuse that would bring a grown man to tears and fury, just to name two. Let alone, Jessie's passing. And yet, our days here have been in the 70's to 80's with cloudless skies. At night, the stars are more visible than I have seen in a long time with a bright shining moon. It is gorgeous here, to say the least. Do I think it is anything less than God's grace? No, I know they are proof of hope. Proof of love. Proof of God for all of us to see. And yet, maybe it is snowing where you live right now or maybe you have big beautiful raindrops in your front yard. Hope is everywhere; you just have to see it in the beauty of life.

So here is my homework for you. Look around. When you feel depressed or angry, clear your mind and go for a walk. When you feel lonely, listen to the sounds of the world. Maybe your hope won't come so easily, maybe you need to allow the smell of clean laundry to make you feel good. What I am trying to say is to be open to hope and the miracles surrounding you. The small miracles that you let pass by on your busy days. Seeing those miracles, finding beauty, and hearing love are all proof that life is beautiful if you participate. When you have the time to see that life is beautiful, you find hope. Hope in a world where God created things so perfectly that you can't help but see glory and grace all around you.

Be open to hope.

Day 6 - Hope and Jessie

I wasn't planning on writing about Jessica Joy Rees today. I wanted more time to think about my words and to write something worthy. But, as I scanned bible verses and notes, I saw her life and her mission in everything I read.


"Be strong, all of you who put your HOPE in the Lord. NEVER GIVE UP." -Psalm 31:24 (NIRV) 
(Jessie's motto is NEGU, Never Ever Give Up. Her family lived the word hope.)


"Through faith in Jesus we have received God's grace. In that grace we stand. We are full of JOY because we expect to share in God's glory." -Romans 5:2 (NIRV) 
(Jessie was full of faith and joy. She created Joy Jars for children battling cancer. She not only shared God's glory, she was his glory)


"The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring the fullest Light to all the world." -Ann Voskamp from One Thousand Gifts
(Jessie was brave, beautiful, and just a child. She brought the fullest light to the world. She was change.)


Jessie passed away yesterday. She touched more lives than any of us can imagine, and I know she will continue to do so here on earth even though she is in Heaven. She fought two brain tumors and dedicated her sweet life to encouraging other children to fight cancer and to NEGU. Read her Facebook page and you will see the impact her life left on people of all ages and backgrounds.

Jessie's passing is devastating.  How can anyone find hope in something so unfair?


“What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived— these things God has prepared for those who love him” -1 Corinthians 2:9 (TNIV) 


We cannot begin to understand what God has prepared for us in Heaven. It is more than we can possibly conceive, did you hear that? Heaven is real and Jessie is in a place more beautiful that what our eyes have ever seen. She has work to do there now. I read in the book In Light of Eternity, by Randy Alcorn, that not only will we be with our loved ones in Heaven, but we will also be with our "friends" in heaven, those whose lives we touched on earth. Jessie will have more friends than anyone I know.

I look at Jessie's short, but amazingly powerful life. If you want to see hope, see it in all that she has accomplished in such a short time. Anything is possible in your life, it's never too late. Go with hope and watch God work in you. And don't forget to NEGU (hope at it's fullest).

Day 5 - Our compass

When I started A Year Full of Hope on the 1st, I was in a really happy and excited mindset. Now, it's five days into the year and I can't quite get rid of this gray cloud that is following me around. I'm in a funk and I can't get out of. It seems very contradictory to be writing about hope when my life feels a little gloomy, but I guess in reality that is the best time to be writing about it, right? When I need it to envelope me and remind me of my journey.

I have had episodes of gloom throughout the years, but after diving into faith last year I notice that the doom part is gone. I may feel stressed about today's worries, finances, problems, etc., but I am not worried about the bigger picture at all. I may feel depressed, but I know that it won't last forever. My faith really helps me treat these kinds of days as just that... days, because they will pass.

So what are we supposed to do on the gloomy days?

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." -James 4:8 (NASB)


"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. -Romans 12:12 (NIV) 


"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." -Philippians 4:6(NLT)

To live a year full of hope we need to seek God on all days. On happy days, gloomy days, dark days, and lost days. We need to be joyful, patient, & faithful. We need to pray about everything. Always keeping our eyes focused ahead will help us move forward on our journey, and the hope in our hearts will be our compass to guide us through it all.

Day 4 - Hope floats

Sometimes when I think of the word hope, I am reminded of this line in the movie Hope Floats:


She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too...


I think that there are so many times in our lives that we don't give hope a chance. We are too scared or overwhelmed in a new situation to see it as anything more than a huge mess in our lives. But, if we just give it a chance and let hope lead us, oftentimes we can see later that the new beginning was really a huge blessing. Let hope guide you. Have faith that it is all for good.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Day 3 - Melancholy

Yesterday was a hard day. Maybe it's the post-holiday blues, where life is forced to return back to normal and the daily routine haunts me. Maybe it was the lack of sleep from being up all night with a sick child. Maybe it's the events happening in my life that seem to bring up emotions I would rather leave behind. Or perhaps it's the weight and unhealthiness I feel on my body. Maybe it's a little bit of everything. I just felt depressed, angry, and melancholy. It's hard to find hope in all of that; it's hard to write about hope in all of that.

After some restlessness and self-pity, I picked up my current book and started reading.  I was reading about how our busy life robs us of joy. We are too busy to be thankful for all of the blessings around us, even our children. We treat every moment like an emergency to get out of the house and be on time. What are we missing by doing that? With a busy and chaotic life we can never live in the moment and see all the goodness around us. In fact, our hurry hurts our family. It made me think of my melancholy state and all of the time I spent yesterday worried about other things. I robbed myself of that time to have joy. I robbed my family of that time. And yet, I didn't have the energy to be happy. Isn't it in those times that we should be thanking God for all of the goodness around us, the things we cannot see when we are blinded by sadness? I may not have been busy, but I certainly was declaring my depression an emergency, and I let it outshine the life of my family and our time together.

In all of that clutter, how am I supposed to feel hope? Apparently the answer is to be grateful, to give thanks, and to look around and see all of the blessings around you every single moment. To be thankful that your children are breathing and that they can hug and kiss you. To see the beauty in a sunset or the smell of clean laundry. For me, I know that depression is not something you can turn on or off, just as I know that we cannot magically have a less busy life. But, we can train ourselves to be more grateful every time we feel our life slipping a bit. Every time we feel consumed by an emotion or an event we can remind ourselves to look at the good around us and to thank God for what He has given us. We can do that. We can take a moment to tell God that we are grateful. And I can see now, that by living with more thankfulness, we can begin to pass by the busyness or the melancholy and see hope more clearly. We will be less stranded and weighed down by life and commitments or emotions, and more open to seeing beauty and believing that our life can be beautiful too. That is living for hope.

Day 2 - Rejoice in our sufferings

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts..." -Romans 5:3-5

It's certainly not easy to rejoice in our sufferings. In fact, for so many people I know I can't imagine how they rejoice now or how they will ever rejoice. There are so many heartbreaking stories full of loss, fear, and failure. I cannot identify with their sorrows and their deep seeded anger at God, my stories have been entirely different and unique to me. But, when I read this verse and really take it in, I understand a little bit more about hope. I understand that everyone suffers; it's a part of life. How we take the suffering, whether we feel like we can bare it or not, and see it in our lives is the key. They key to finding hope within you.

Here's what I see:

When we rejoice in our suffering, it makes us persevere
(We still rejoice and find blessings in the hardest times, because we still have a life and a purpose and that is what makes us move forward)

When we persevere, it builds our character
(When we keep moving forward with a purpose, we grow and become a more fulfilled person)

When we build our character, it gives us hope.
(When we grow and become more fulfilled, we have hope for our life)

And hope does not disappoint us because we see God's love.
(When we believe and trust in hope, God's love appears in our hearts, despite our sufferings)

I wish I had all of the answers on why bad things happen and how we are supposed to move forward. I do know that how we move forward with our hurts and heartaches will define our lives, and perhaps put a purpose into the pain we are feeling. But, we have to find the strength to rejoice and persevere inside of ourselves. When I think of trying to find our own strength, I think of two things. First, we can ask God to give us the strength to move forward and put peace into our hearts, so that we can have moments of clarity. Second, when something is too much to bear, ask God to please take it. Even if for a few moments. I have had some not-so-nice events happen as of recently, and when my mind is jumbled with so many negative thoughts and emotions, I tell God that right now these feelings are too much for me to bear... and oftentimes I realize much later that it was out of my mind. He will take it away for a while. You have to ask, you have to trust, and you have to have hope that things can and will get better, in some way and form.

Hope is an amazing thing when we put it in front of all of our fears and our sadness. Even if it's just a sliver of hope that things can and will be better eventually. That particular hope, that things will not be this way forever, is what kept me moving forward last year and still keeps me moving forward when I feel unsettled about where my life is at. I know that God's plans for me are more than a state of sadness, unrest, and suffering.

Day 1

When I look around, read prayer requests, talk to others, and dive into my heart I can see that we all need one thing right now more than ever... hope. Some of us need to breath it completely, while others just need a little bit to set us on our way. I think that hope in the New Year is what can help us move forward, even when it feels like our life, or certain parts, will never get better. Hope is what will get us through new challenges or existing heartaches. Hope is a way of life, where we keep moving forward even when faced with disappointment.

As My Year of Faith was ending, I hadn't resolved where the year 2012 would begin. At first I was thinking of a year of grace or joy, but neither felt right. A few days before the end of the year, I was actively praying and asking God to lead me in the right direction and that is when two new ideas came to mind. Either a year about hope or a year about serving others. I had so many reasons why they were both calling to me, and I could not decide which one to choose. Two days ago, it became clear.

My family is coming off of an arduous year of financial and personal difficulties, and all I can rely on to build our life back up is hope. I have so much of it going into this New Year. Hope that we will continue to grow and hope that this year will be better than the last. Just as I felt like I was literally living off of faith alone last year, I feel like I will be living off of hope this year. It's something that is biblically based and that people need desperately right now. People that I know and love dearly. People dealing with financial issues, cancer, loss, the inability to get pregnant, medical difficulties, and major obstacles to overcome. I feel like we all need hope in our lives; to believe that life can and will get better. But we need the kind of hope that is not just wishful thinking; we need the kind of hope that is part of our faith. The kind of hope that centers around the blessings that God promises us in His Word. The kind of hope that stands firm next to our faith and allows us to see God more clearly. The kind of hope that puts who we are and where we want to go in perspective. The kind of hope that allows us to live a more joyful and spirit filled life, because we expect things to happen, we don't just wish for them.

Why didn't I pick a year of serving others? While it was tugging at my heart because people loved on us so much last year, I knew deep down that I wasn't ready for that kind of year yet. Unfortunately a big reason is due to finances, even though I know that you can serve others with little money. But I also feel like my spiritual maturity has not grown enough for such a huge undertaking, at least the kind I want to take. When I brought it up to Mark he agreed, and then while exploring bible verses, this particular verse laid it all out for me.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." -1 Corinthians 13:13  (NIV)

Do you see it? It's no coincidence. Last year was about faith, this year will be about hope, and then next year will be about love (serving others). Next year I will end with the one that is the greatest of the three and the one that I know will be the largest undertaking. But I cannot do it without living for hope first. Our life needs to be about hope right now. That verse has nestled into my heart forever. It's amazing how God speaks to us.

I want this blog to be the opposite of the news that you read every day. The daily news is what first put hope into my mind. We have so much negativity surrounding us. In fact, we are bombarded by it constantly. No wonder why people feel like they are stuck in a mediocre and sad life. I want this blog to be a place where you feel less depressed and more hopeful, even on bad days. A place where my story can make you think about your journey. I will be here every day, sharing my life with you, so that we can connect and hopefully you can seek out God and hope in your own life.

I feel so blessed to be here. I know that it will be hard, I know their will be days when I feel like I have lost all hope, and I know that people will be challenging me every step of the way and rooting for me to fail. But, I also know that a life with no hope is the worst kind of life and I will do anything I can to spread hope into the air for someone to grasp. Please meet me here, send a friend, and help me spread a lot more hope into this world.

Here's to a new year.



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