Day 121 - My heart

Today I am thankful that God loves me enough to produce blessings in even the most discouraging or emotional situations. That new relationships can blossom, that old connections can deepen, and that love can still abound. That even in the dark, God will provide some kind of light, and you can see good even when your heart hurts. Today I am thankful that God's love shines down on me regardless of the season or the weather.

This year I have watched God take my broken heart and instead of fixing it, because God can't just fix everything in your life, He took some of the broken pieces and replaced them with beautiful mosaics of love, friendship, and peace. My heart is certainly broken, but He has patched it up and made it into something masterful and lovely to me.


 

Day 120 - Live

I scribbled this on my outline at church today:

I can choose to learn and to grow. I can tackle obstacles, make choices, and LIVE despite what others say about my choices. You will be criticized regardless of what you do, so go out and live a life worthy of you. Don't let others opinions or criticism hold you back from the plans and the pursuits that God puts before you. Allowing others to have a hold or an opinion over your life only keeps you from greatness. Get moving.


 

Day 119 - Never forget

It's so easy to forget God's work in our lives and to keep moving forward. But I try to keep it all in my heart. I never want to forget the miracles He placed in my life, and the work He is still doing daily. I love this verse.


Be very careful never to forget what you have seen God doing for you. May His miracles have a deep and permanent effect upon your lives! Tell your children and your grandchildren about the glorious miracles He did. -Deuteronomy 4:9 (LB)


 

Day 118 - My Challenge

In 45 days I will be running an intense 10K. Now this is only news because the most I have ever run is 1.7 miles around my house and I have sports induced asthma. But a sweet friend, who has had a really rough year, asked me on Tuesday to run it with her and I said yes. I am totally in over my head, but deep inside of me I know that I can do this as long as God is on my side.

"But with God all things are possible." -Matthew 19:26

I will be whispering this to myself constantly over the next 45 days. Every time I run, every time I am tired, every time I doubt myself, and every time I want to give up. I will remember that through Him, anything is possible.

Anything.

 

Day 117 - Words

Words to live by, wisdom to practice.


Do not boast about tomorrow, 
for you do not know what a day may bring forth.

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth— 
someone else, and not your own lips.
-Proverbs 27:1-2 


 

Day 116 - Body

Sometimes we just need to rest and that's what I did last night. I let go of the to-dos and went to bed hours earlier than normal.

In vain you rise early 
and stay up late, 
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.
-Psalm 127:2 (TNIV) 


Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body. -Corinthians 6:19-20 (NLT)


I feel like I am just entering the part of my faith that includes my body and my well-being. It's so easy to dismiss and I have a long way to go to learn how to balance my life so that my body does not take the brunt of everything (more to come on changes I have been making).

 

Day 115 - Corner of the roof

I have felt like a single mother over the past couple of weeks, as Mark has been extremely busy with commitments and traveling. As we talk and see each other less I can feel my resentment building up because I am exhausted and lonely. I feel like I am holding down the fort and working hard, but I feel unappreciated (side note: I know that Mark is totally appreciative). Last night I finally gave into my stress and decided to go to bed earlier than usual, but before I did I was compelled to go to my Bible to ask for insight into the madness of our life right now. Here is what came my way.... brace yourself.

Better to live on a corner of the roof

than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

-Proverbs 21:9

Better to live in a desert

than share a house with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.

-Proverbs 22:19

I just about spit out my water, especially reading it twice. Notice there is nothing about patting myself on the back or deserving a huge gesture of gratitude, instead God pointed me to the fact that it would be better for my husband to live in the desert or on a roof than in a house with a quarreling wife. I am literally laughing about it right now. I hear you God, I was wrong and I need to be responsible for the way I deal with my stress and disappointment. I need to understand that there are seasons of life and there are always better ways to deal with my stress than to quarrel.

Thank you for the not-so-subtle lesson. 

 

Day 114 - God's lead

God has been clearing out some of the ugly in my heart. The old me would have turned away, not wanting to take the more difficult road that leaves behind pride and power. But this time I am calming myself and letting a little bit of peace fold in and we will see where it takes me. I am on a new path of literally following God's lead and His whispers instead of what I think is best. Or what I want more. Or where my pride says I should go. I feel vulnerable but I am reminded of two things:

1. God will not leave me if I am following Him. He will not put me in the path of destruction.
2. God only uses us to do "great wonders" if we purify our heart and confess.

We will see what happens. I am trusting God with an overwhelming situation and I will let Him show me the way. I'm not going to lie, it's frightening, and especially when your heart is involved. But I want God to use me to do "great wonders" and I want Him to know that I hear Him. That I have hope the He can transform a seemingly hopeless situation and show me how to get through it.

Life isn't easy, but God's roadmap is the safest route.


 

Day 113 - Mud

There will be times in your life where you just feel like you are trudging through the mud. Life may be sunny and joyful but you feel like every day is about moving towards the next. The same of the same. Hard work day in and day out. Just making the best of the ordinary. I feel like that now. The skies are blue, life is beautiful, and I am grateful, but I still feel like I am trudging through the mud every day. Surviving a busy life and doing all of the things I have to do. And while I am doing it happily, I still wonder what is next. When will "it" happen?

Then I remember this:

In His heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps.
-Proverbs 16:9


And I am reminded that God determines even the steps through the mud. He gives each step purpose. They are all on His time. And walking faster or slower won't get us anywhere different. Each step is a part of the miracle of our life, even the dirty ones.


 

Day 112 - Inspiration

The purposes of the human heart are deep waters, 
but those who have insight draw them out. 
-Proverbs 20:5


Gracious words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
-Proverbs 16:24 


A generous person will prosper; 
whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.
-Proverbs 11:25


 

Day 111 - Today

I posted this on my Facebook page:

Reminding myself to be grateful for the beauty of life... even on the hard, stressful, and exhausting days. Deep breath and a prayer of gratitude.


I am completely overwhelmed with a never-ending to-do list, but today I was reminded of how lucky I am to have all of the beautiful things that surround me. And right before I sat down to write this post I found a notecard I had written on a few weeks back saying:

I already have more than I deserve.


Gentle reminders.


 

Day 110 - Relationship

For me, one of the most interesting parts of my growing faith is that not only do I have a better relationship with God, but also I have a better relationship with myself. Understanding God, hope, faith, love, and the Bible is molding me into a better woman. A woman who is vastly flawed, yet approaches life differently because she sees it with less doubt. God continues to amaze me by proving that in all circumstances, even when I feel alone, He cares enough about me to see me through. To give me chances to be more that I already am. He cares enough to love me despite all of my imperfections and missteps, and there are so many.

Today I am grateful for all of the blessings in my life, and thankful that God loves each of us enough to help us love ourselves.


 

Day 109 - Stronger

Sometimes we let ourselves down. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we are weak. But God can use that failure and make you stronger. Stronger then you were the first, second, or third time around. Have hope.

Not too long ago I was in the darkness. I was failing myself and I felt awful. I felt like I would never be able to catch up. And yet somewhere in that darkness I gained more wisdom. God literally placed people, words, and strength on my path, and here I am, feeling better than before. Feeling enlightened and hopeful. Felling like I am in a better place. Almost grateful for the misstep.

Sometimes we need to take away the pressure we put on ourselves, and tell God we messed up. Pray about it, clear our heads, look for answers and keep moving. I have learned a lot over these past few months, but most of all I have learned that hope can come out of any situation. God can get you back to the sunshine, even if you don't see it.

 

Day 108- Do I believe?

Do I believe in a God who can change hearts and make the impossible possible?
I do.
He has changed my heart completely.
He has molded me from one opposite to another.

Do I believe in a God who can change lives and make dreams come true?
I do.
I have seen Him turn other people's gifts or heartaches into unbelievable journeys.
I believe it even if my dream hasn't come true.

Do I believe in a God who can put a feeling into your heart and then watch it grow?
I do.
He has whispered in my heart that there is another child out there for us.
I believe that it can happen and that He can provide a pathway.

Do I believe that God loves me enough to constantly work in my life?
I do.
Even when it feels like life is stagnant He proves that He is everywhere.
That He is preparing me for all of the wonderful, heart breaking, and purposeful details.

Do I believe?
I believe with all of my heart.
I know God exists
because He has shown Himself to me.
When I opened my eyes,
I opened my soul,
and I had faith
that even the unseen can be real.

Sometimes the hardest part of faith is believing that it is possible. Trusting that He is there. Having enough hope that someone can love you that much. And allowing Him to speak to you with wide eyes, open ears, and a joyful heart.

Make that leap and believe. Let God work in your life the way that He is working in mine.

 

Day 107 - Restore

And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. -1 Peter 5:10


Today I am so thankful that in any suffering I have ever faced, God has always restored me and made me strong, firm, and steadfast. Each time. In my depression, heart break, losing a friend to suicide, uncertainty, and financial struggles He has restored me each and every time. He continues to restore me in new heartaches and struggles. He uses it for good.

I know that you may be going through something, or have been for quite awhile now. Maybe you feel like you will never be restored, like life will never have happiness again as it did before. But there is a path in front of you and if you lean on God, trust Him, and keep moving forward... God will restore you. There will be sunshine, hope, peace, and joy again. He can make you stronger than before. Trust Him, have a relationship with Him, and watch Him work in your life. I know it's hard and I know it's dark, but give Him a chance.

 

Day 106 - The wellspring

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
-Proverbs 4:23


With all honesty, this is the first time in my whole life that I am really learning what it means to guard my heart. To not only guard my heart, but to do it with grace, faith, and hope. To do it with peace. I'm learning every day how to balance guarding my own heart with the needs of others. It's a lesson, but one that I see pays dividends down the road. Change is good and taking in His word to renew your ways and your heart opens your eyes to new ways of living. As it says, your heart is the "wellspring of life." Better to take care of it now.



 

Day 105 - More Proverbs

Do not withhold good from those who deserve it,
when it is in your power to act.
Do not say to your neighbor,
"Come back later; I'll give it tomorrow"-
when you now have it with you.
-Proverbs 3:27--28


I'm not going to lie. There are times when I know that I can do something nice for someone, or I can help someone, but I let time and busyness get in the way. I don't want to be the person who withholds from someone who needs it. Imagine if everyone who helped us had withheld due to their own needs and schedules, we would be so lost and broken. This year I want to give freely and immediately.


 

Day 104 - Proverbs

Last night I started reading through Proverbs.


"Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart."
-Proverbs 3:3


I am excited to read through the spiritual depth and wisdom of so many issues and problems that we face, To read about the principles of building a faithful life in areas such as marriage, relationships, and parenting.

You should join me!


 

Day 103 - Praying for a future

I have always heard of people praying for specific things. Maybe for years they would pray for a house of their own and they would pray over a list of things that they really wanted with it. And down the road this perfect house would randomly come into their lives. Or people pray for a specific amount of money for something important and it comes through. Or maybe a job or path they have always dreamed of and suddenly a door opens. I have never prayed like that, except out of desperation to pay a bill. I have never prayed for something in my heart that I really want, because doing so means you are not just praying for something in the moment, but you are praying for your life down the road. It's like praying for your children's future spouse and children. It's a whole new level and it reflects your relationship with God. You have to have a relationship to be that intimate and to look to the future with God in everything that you do. It's not materialistic because if you have that kind of relationship you only want those things if they are God's will and they fit into His plan for you. We know that His plan, whether it includes our dreams, is always better than our own. And we also realize that often those dreams come from God himself.

And so last night for the first time I wrote down prayers. Not those in a crisis, for the immediate future, or for someone else. I prayed for my future. For my family's future. For the desires in my heart. For the things that I can feel tugging at me. Most of all, for the things that I believe God whispered into my soul. I prayed for things that could happen in five, ten, or more years down the road.

Can I tell you how much hope flutters within you when you share that with God?  It gives you hope. It feels good to know that God loves you enough to hear all of your desires. Maybe this is something that you cannot do every day because there are so many important prayers that need to be said, but meeting with God once a week for these kinds of prayers would keep the hope floating strong.

 

**For your immediate and every day prayers please read this- I have quoted some passages from a book called Big God by Britt Merrick. Britt's daughter Daisy's cancer has returned for a third time. They did surgery today and the tumor was around her spleen. They are now waiting for histology. Please pray for Daisy and for the family. Her last clean scan was only 5 months ago. Praying for a miracle. To see more go to prayfordaisy.com. She will steal your heart. My little family started praying for Daisy together tonight.

Day 102 - Beauty

Vanity has been on my mind lately. If you have been reading my posts I have been struggling with myself a lot. Learning to accept myself as God made me, yet taking care of myself and being the best me that I can be. I feel like I am struggling with it more than I ever have, probably because I cannot hide under a great wardrobe or perfect features. Money hinders me from hiding behind anything anymore.

While exploring my feelings and my problems I came to a sudden halt. One day I shook myself as a reminder that I live in, probably the most vein place in America. I live in Orange County, California. Not only do I live here but I also grew up here. It's all I have ever known. Our culture's idea of perfection is around me constantly. Plastic surgery, beauty, idealism, obsession, money, etc. I cannot escape it. And although I know that it part of our nation as a whole, I can't help but wonder if I would feel different living somewhere else. If perhaps beauty is a little more realistic in other parts of our country and throughout the world. Is this where I want to raise my family, the only place I have ever really known? The place I have loved since my first breath? Is it the best place to raise confident, God-loving children? And how do I not let vanity overtake me anymore? To not crush me so I can lead by example for my kids. Of course I know that it is possible, but I also know that it requires navigating through rough seas.

Vanity was on my mind today when I had to decide if I should go to a play date with a bunch of cute moms either dressed up, or in old workout clothes. Do I skip a chance to help myself to look good and put together, or do I actually do something for myself like run there and feel exposed? Today I chose the latter. I made myself vulnerable, but for a good reason. And after all, this is who I am. And I was glad that I did.

Tonight I decided to read a new section of the Bible. I was planning on reading Proverbs, but something in my memory made me go to Peter. I remember relating to him in sermons that I have heard. I was assured of my decision when I read what to look for in 1 Peter: "Purpose and reason for hope in the face of trouble and suffering. Take note of the encouraging news Peter sent to his readers." Anything about hope is always my first choice. And a little bit into my reading I came across these verses:

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way that the women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. -1 Peter 3:3-5


Right in front of my eyes was God's answer to my question about vanity. Beauty really does come from a gentle and quiet spirit. From our inner self. God gives that kind of beauty great worth. And it's not saying that you cannot make yourself beautiful, but if you rely on your appearance you are missing the greater value of your inner beauty. Working on having a gentle and quiet spirit is more important. That gives me a little bit of peace and self-power. While it's hard not to judge your looks against others, or to desperately want to look better, knowing that beauty in God's eyes really does come from your inner self makes a beautiful life look a little bit different. And it gives me something to aim for. To be a woman of inner beauty.


I am so grateful that I have so many women of inner beauty surrounding me in a culture and county obsessed with outward beauty.


 

Day 101 - Today

Today I surrender, Lord.
There are so many things going on in my life.
So much emotion, feelings, events, and confusion.
Today Lord, I give my day to you.
I will wipe away the negativity & the doubt,
And I will be available to do Your work.
To serve You.
My heart has been so full of love lately;
I will use that.
I will renew myself and push myself.
I will accept myself.
Lord, I will take in your love for me,
And I will let it guide me
To where you want me to be.
I will not resist,
I will just open myself to hope, faith, and grace,
And I will bow down and serve.
Today Lord, I surrender.


 

Day 100 - Giving with gratefulness

I am still overwhelmed by the love and support showered on us last year. As people loved us, the only way I could thank them was to promise that I would do something good for someone else in return. That I would do it specifically because of their generosity. I know that I cannot bless people the same way monetarily, but there are so many other acts of love that I can do.

My hair has grown so long. I let Mark's barber cut an inch or so off sometimes last year, but I haven't had a real hair cut since around November of 2010, when my sister gifted me a trip to the salon. We simply have not been able to afford it, and so in return my hair was longer than it has ever been. Last week I started thinking about getting my hair cut, and I realized that my long hair was a symbol of our struggles. Its length is a part of the long path that we took. It is part of the journey. As soon as my mind went there, I knew that I needed to get it cut and donate it to Locks of Love. That I needed to pay it forward in honor of those who literally carried us. That this was my chance to give in a way that I actually could.

I am going to be honest.... my vanity started to get the best of me and I did not want to cut off that much. But, my heart wanted to do the right thing and to use this as a lesson for my kids on giving. What an appropriate weekend to do it. So I talked to them and told them my heart and why this was important to me. I reminded them about last year and how so many people helped us. I told them that it's hard to give up something we love, but that it's important if it can truly help someone else. And then I took them with me so they could see. And we went. And they cut off eleven inches of my hair. And tomorrow we are mailing it to Locks of Love.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those that supported us. I promise that this is just the beginning. You have changed my heart and inspired me to give, even if it's more than I want. Because giving allows us to feel more hope and love than we could ever imagine. So far in your honor I have donated to Locks of Love, helped friends monetarily, and gave my time to another mommy in need. It's funny how much each act has actually blessed me immensely in return.

With gratefulness,


 

Day 99 - Easter

One day they led Him up Calvary's mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He

Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He's ascended, my Lord evermore

Death could not hold Him
The grave could not keep Him from rising again

Living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He's coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day
Glorious day, oh, glorious day

- from Glorious Day by Casting Crowns


 

Day 98 - Reason for the day

It's amazing how each year as your kids get a little bit older they can understand more and more what Easter is all about. It's sweet and innocent and I am feeling so grateful right now. Last night we made Resurrection Cookies right after we dyed Easter eggs, and even though they are excited the Easter Bunny is coming, they know the real reason for the day. They can start to grasp how important and holy Easter is. They can start to see how much God loves us and what Jesus went through to save us. I am so excited to watch them grow each year and see their love and understanding of Jesus grow too. My heart is full and I feel so blessed and thankful right now. I feel so much hope for our little family.


 

I have a Veggie Tales DVD giveaway over at my Assorted Lovelies blog. Your kiddos will love it. Click here to check it out.

Day 97 - The K word

It's been on my heart to talk about karma. It's a word that is used so often and has certainly been used against me, and probably you as well. It's also a word that friends have used to try and pick me up, to make me feel better when I have been wronged in some way. Karma has its own religious depth, but is also an every day word. To me it's so confusing with my personal faith.

In My Year of Faith I really began to question (in a good way) the ways that God works and why certain things happen to people. I began to study and seek answers to why we were in such a deep hole. Why really amazing people battle such hard trials, and why so many immoral and selfish people are so rich and successful. How does it all work? During our year I knew that some people felt like we were being punished in a sense for being materialistic or spending so much, while others felt like we were just part of the larger picture of what the country was going through. But as the year continued, and even as things got worse, I began to understand more about how God works, and why we cannot accept karma as an answer to what happens or will happen in our life.

Here is the thing. Only God knows His plans for us. He is the one working. He often uses awful situations to change us, to bless us, and to teach us about His love. Sometimes He does discipline us to try and give us a new direction, while He holds us up in love. Sometimes God creates miracles in our lives and fills us with grace. Sometimes God allows people to make their own decisions and lets the cards fall as they do.... because He gave us free will. And so often He puts us in situations where we have to climb, crawl, dig, and fight our way out because He is working in every part of our soul. And as individuals, we have no idea how He is working in other people's lives. I have heard so many testimonies of people who were well beyond the dark paths they had gone down on their own, and God rescued them. He used it for good. So when I think of karma, I think of how impossible it is to know what or who deserves payback because we don't know why or how God is, or may not be, working in their lives. We just cannot understand all of workings around us every second of every day and how people's paths were decided and why. And when we wish bad karma on someone else, isn't that completely contradictory?

Last week my cell phone was stolen and the word karma came up in a very encouraging way. But right away I thought, God doesn't seem to work that way. Sure, maybe He will punish the person who did that, I don't know. Maybe it's the Devil trying to work in my life to unhinge me. Maybe it's part of a plan that God has for that particular person. Maybe it was just a bad choice and part of our free will as humans. I don't know. I just don't think we can judge what will happen, or expect something bad to happen because we want it to, or think they deserve it. I now know that sometimes the things that would be pictured as punishment are actually blessings in disguise. And vice versa. We just cannot begin to understand the bigger picture, and so karma is something you won't hear me say, or wish, or believe in. All I believe in is God's love for me, and I trust Him and His plans for all of our lives.


 

Day 96 - Embrace

If you read my post from yesterday, you read about the hat that I wore while running. The hat that had never been worn before, that was buried in my closet, that happened to come to mind when I couldn't find my usual hat, and that had been given to me by my father long before A Year Full of Hope. I don't believe in coincidences, in fact that is something I have felt strongly about since I was in high school. I do believe in a divine push, a divine acknowledgment, a divine answer, divine encouragement, and divine love from God right when we need it. That hat was pure love and it was a reminder that although I didn't want to run, that I needed to have enough hope that it was time to turn things around. It was my ray of light. It is this blog. Hope.

What "coincidences" are you ignoring? What is God putting before you to show that He loves you? What are you ignoring that is so plainly obvious that it's not random?

Embrace whatever love God sends your way.

 

Day 95 - Picked myself up a bit

Today I picked myself up a little bit.

When life gets stressful, I turn to food. I actually don't turn to it, I just don't deny it. And when I just can't handle the stresses in my life, I ultimately give up on myself physically. It's a battle I fight constantly, and more so as I get older. I would say that over these last three weeks I completely gave up and managed to undo all of the good I had started. I took ten steps back. I gulped my anxiety down and then hated myself the whole time. It's a mad cycle. Hating myself, being disgusted in the mirror, and then making it worse. I imagine people turn to different things in their stress, like drinking, smoking, obsessiveness, etc. I realize now that I used to shop to calm my anxiety, but that is no longer an option. And I can tell you I have probably never hated looking in the mirror more than I have the last few weeks. It wasn't just because of how I looked, it's because I saw someone hurting herself. Everything mixed together was ugly.

So today I picked myself up a little bit. I got out my running shoes, even though I didn't want to, and I ran the best I could. It was ironic that I lost my usual workout hat and could only find one that I had never worn before. Guess what it says on it... HOPE. It's an old hat my dad had given me last year. So here I was running with hope. So appropriate. As soon as I started to run I could literally feel the punishment I had put on my body. I could feel every pound I put on and it hurt. It hurt the whole way home. I had never felt that before, but I know it was good for me.  It was proof. Proof that I had given up. Proof that if I want to be the person I desire, I have to figure this out. Proof that I need to keep picking myself up or this will continue to be a vicious cycle and down the road I won't even recognize myself.

I believe that we can learn to fight past giving up on ourselves and learn to cope with stress, anxiety, disappointment, and hardships in life. I know that it all comes within and we cannot do it by ourselves. We can only get through it with a divine hand reaching out to us. Through prayer, trust, faith, and hope. I may be on many journeys right now, journeys that will ultimately meet up in the future. But the journey of learning to fight myself and to emerge victorious over my own self-infliction will ultimately be the one that will prepare me for whatever God has laid out for me. I want to be that strong Godly woman full of grace, wisdom, and fight.

"God wants us to use our weaknesses for His glory."
- The Purpose Driven Life




 

Day 94 - Who?

Who would ever know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over a life? -from One Thousand Gifts


 

Day 93 - Up

I have had a rough few weeks. I feel like I am going from situation to situation with so much turbulence. I'm dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety and today it all came crashing down on me. Lots of tears and frustration. I just wanted to give up on my business, quit blogging, and hide away forever. I wanted to throw away all of the pain and the anxiety that has been eating away at me. If I just quit the things I am passionate about, then I can avoid all of the obstacles in front of me. I would be able to wipe away all of the stress on my shoulders and just live an easier life. But is that the answer? Is it ever the answer to just let go? To run away? To give up?

While I sit here typing, still feeling weight on my shoulders, I know that abandoning what I started will not fix anything. And abandoning my current stresses cannot fix all of the lingering issues that are totally separate. Today, as my heart was crying that I wanted to give up, all I could think of was the word "up." Just two weeks ago a speaker at MOPS spoke about looking up to God. She repeatedly pounded in our heads and our hearts the thought of "looking up" when life gets hard. "Reaching up" to God. That's the only thing that was stuck in my mind. Instead of "giving up" I need to "look up."

Life can be frustrating, especially when you feel like you are being hit over and over again, with no relief. But instead of giving up, I urge you (and I am telling myself) to look up instead. Pray to God to give you strength, to walk next to you in times like these, to take some of your pain away, and to carry it for you. Ask Him to help you get through each obstacle one at a time and to give you moments of clarity and relief. And spend moments thanking Him for all of the blessings you have. I have so many.

I am closing out the day not feeling much better in a sense, but also not feel the doom and gloom that I felt. By realizing I need to "look up" instead of "give up", I know that I will be taking it one day at a time. That He can help me get through this. That He has provided me with the tools that I need to tackle this portion of life. That somehow, just as each time before, I will get through this fog.


 

Day 92 - Sunrise

I love these words.


The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise. -Jerry Sittser


Just think of all of the times we are chasing after our own sun, begging for it to wait. We just keep chasing it, knowing that we can never catch it. And yet, if we would just wade through the darkness and the hard times, always moving forward. Eventually, we would hit the sunrise.