Day 60 - Nothing is the end

It's funny when you realize that you had your heart set on something that you thought was the best, that you had to have, and that there was nothing else that could replace it. And when it doesn't happen you feel awful. You had your hopes set on it. You wanted it. You thought it was the answer. And then, you finally take a step back (or you need to at least try because sometimes we are blinded by our wants) and see that it's okay to let it go. There are other options, life will be fine, and doors will open again. God knows our desires and He also knows what is best for us. He will provide accordingly. Just pray for new chances and better opportunities to happen on His time. Nothing is the end. 

I love stories where people were devastated from not getting their desires, but were blessed a thousand times over with God's plans down the road.

Have hope.

 

Day 59 - Embracing hope

I know that faith and hope go hand in hand, but having faith in hard times and having hope in hard times, while united, are separate too. I feel like last year I learned how to have faith, I lived it every day and in the hardest times. I trust God, I rely on God, I know that somehow everything will work out just the way that it should. And I am okay that His plans are not my plans (or even close). I have blind faith, real faith, true faith, and any other faith there is. My life is wrapped up in it. Last year changed me forever.

This year has been tough emotionally and still very rough financially. We are living on what we have and that is just enough to get by. We have very few little luxuries, like dinners out or buying a non-necessity. We have weeks where we can't go to the grocery store or do anything, just waiting for a check to roll in. I am not complaining because we have so much more than what we had last year, so much. We are rich compared to last year. And I feel blessed every day. I have complete faith that we are still in the middle of this journey that will affect the rest of our lives and that God has us in His hands. And God still sends us money right when we need it the most; His perfect timing is always there for us. I have faith that things will get better for us down the road.

But, that's where my hope lacks sometimes. I need to embrace hope the way that I have faith. I need to do more than trust, I need to have the kind of hope that allows me to live a more joyful and spirit filled life, because I expect great things to happen, I don't just wish for them. I want to have hope that life can be more than amazing. I want to have hope that fills my heart when I write checks or when I can't quite buy something I want. I want hope to be this amazingness inside of me. Faith is my backbone that my whole being rests on, but I want hope to be the spirit inside of me.

I need to breathe it, repeat it, and believe it.

 

* I want to tell my parents how thankful I am for them. They have stepped in to make sure my kids have the things that they need. They help with sports, activities, and special occasions for my babies. They take care of my family the way that they have taken care of me my whole life, generously and with complete and unfailing love. I am so blessed. I love you both.

Day 58 - For today

For our lives today, His grace is more than enough. -from Big God

My mind is still spinning with hope for my future. And yet, I feel a lot of anxiety about all of the lessons I am learning that seem like impossible tasks that He may be calling me to do. Big battles and big undertakings for someone like me. It can be so overwhelming and I do get very anxious about it.

But today, well today I needed to hear that His grace is more than enough.

 

Day 57 - Our light

Feed the hungry, 
   and help those in trouble. 
Then your light will shine out from the darkness, 
   and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
   giving you water when you are dry
   and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
   like an ever-flowing spring.
-Isaiah 58:10-11(NLT)


We all have darkness around us; it's the inevitable as humans. And yet, God tells us to help others so that our light will be as bright as daytime. And that He will guide us and provide for us when we feel depleted so that we can become a garden full of bloom. I can't think of anything more lovely, comforting, or inspiring. Helping others, not ourselves, gives us light.


 

Day 56 - Real change

"When real change happens in our lives, that's a pilgrimage from the old ways of thinking... One of the biggest obstacles to the life of faith is the old way of living and the refusal to let those old things go." - from Big God


I have hope that real change can keep happening in my life and that I can continue to let go of the old things that have kept me back from finding my potential. Like fear, insecurity, the love of things, and not believing in myself.


 

Day 55 - Inching

I wrote this on my Facebook page on Thursday night:

In the last 3 1/2 years I lost my identity, all my financial security, and all of my old hopes for the future. But, that's just how life works. We weren't created to live a comfortable life. When you go through thunderstorms you have to change and grow. You have to fight. You have to create yourself again with new hope and a lot of faith. Embrace what God has given you and don't look back. Don't be ashamed. Life is still so good.

God has been calling me to be transparent with others and to be an open book. Obviously I already do that on this blog, but Facebook is a whole other platform. Especially my personal Facebook page and not just my Amanda Writes page. He wants me to put my faith and my hardships out there for anyone and everyone to see. I'm not going to lie, it was exhausting emotionally to write it and then post it. But I'm glad I did and I will probably do it again a thousand times. He has been leading my heart a lot over the last six months to let my worries and fears go. To hold on to the notion that being honest about my life and my faith may help someone else and that doing so is more important than how people see me or think of me. I already made the commitment last year to not pretend that our life is perfect and I am sticking to it (although I know I am too honest sometimes), even if it means being more public about it and allowing myself to feel even more vulnerable.

I know I am inching closer to finding God's purpose for me.


 

Day 54 - Step with Him

I mentioned in my last post that God is definitely speaking to me right now. Yesterday I finished a great book called Big God by Britt Merrick and between that and church, I feel so full. Full of understanding and full of the promises that God gives us in His Word. Sure, I'm still not clear on what God's plans are for my life, but I am starting to see hints revealed. I feel my heart gravitating towards certain needs in this world.  And, I do know that He is still busy laying a foundation under my feet so that when it's time, I will have something solid to stand on. My Year of Faith was the first layer, and now I am starting a whole new layer, a layer of hope. These past few days have provided me with so much hope and understanding and I feel so much more confident in the unknown. I reclaimed what I had lost, the belief that God will use me in amazing ways. That life won't always feel stuck. That God is working in the lull. That I am worthy. That I can do whatever God calls me to do. Between new understanding and more prayer, I feel good. What a long way to come from the depression that settled over me the last few months.

If you feel lost, get into God's Word. Read books, bible studies, devotions, anything. Let God speak to you. He will if you take the first steps. Pray and seek God. I am proof that in all trials, God is there and if you step with Him, He will answer.


 

Day 53 - When you seek

When you seek, He answers. These past few days I have been reflecting on prayer and calling out to God at all times, not just when I need Him. And in doing so I have been more mindful of talking to him and praying for my every day life and all of my needs, instead of just praying for others or in desperate times. And as I have been seeking Him more, He has been answering me more. A lot more. Not just about prayer, He has been speaking to me about all of my main fears, frustrations, and worries. I am always amazed when that happens and I wonder why I easily forget the closeness that I feel to Him when I include Him in more of my life. I forgot what it was like to have Him answer me, to give me wisdom, to love me. Instead I let the busyness of life separate us. Imagine if I was this mindful all of the time... what a way to live. I want that.

I am a fast reader. I love books and I have had that love as long as I can remember. It is very rare for me to have a book lying around unfinished, but there has been a book that I started over a month ago and it has just been sitting on my desk. I thought I lost interest in it, but as I started reading it again this week, I realized that it had been waiting for me. Waiting for this week when it would be full of wisdom pertaining to my mindset right now. Full of pages I would have hurriedly read over weeks ago. Words that would not have leapt into my heart. Words straight from my Heavenly Father. And so I am not only humbled, but also grateful that He still loves me enough to give me gentle reminders of faith and hope. Little nudges to open my eyes to see that not only is everything going to be okay, but in time everything will be great.

I want this peace and this closeness is my life forever. Guiding me through the best and the worst. And yet, all I have to do is include Him, talk to Him, ask from Him, and obey Him every day. Whisper to Him through everything.


 

Day 52 - The next two verses

I thought about prayer all day yesterday. I prayed, I reflected, and I just thought more about what God was presenting to me. To receive, you have to at least ask. And then I opened the current book I am reading and the first thing I saw was about the verse Jeremiah 29:11.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


We all know this verse. For so many it's their favorite verse in the Bible. It brings us comfort in difficult situations and in hopelessness. It brought me so much peace last year while I was building my faith and surviving my journey. And yet, do you know the next two verses? Do you know Jeremiah 29:12-13?

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.


God has plans for us and He wants us to have hope and a future. We need to call on him and pray to him for that future. For His plans. For Him in our lives. He will listen to our prayers and our cries, and when we seek Him, we will find Him. When we pour our hearts out to Him, He will be there. He will work within us. He will reveal His plans.

What amazing words for me to read while thinking about prayer. I will be praying and seeking God with all of my heart. I want the plans He has for me. I want to find Him. And that all starts with prayer.




 

Day 51 - Prayer

I forget to pray. I write in my prayer journal, but not every night. I find that I pray when I remember, when I need something, or when it's convenient. Or I am good about saying small prayers for other people often, or having the kids pray at night. Why can't I remember to pray over my daily life? If I have time to work, blog, and look at Facebook, then I have more than enough time to pray.

I was reminded at church yesterday of the importance of prayer. It should not be your last resort (as it often is when we are in a desperate situation), but it should be our first choice. Always. We have to ask for things to receive them, to bear fruit, to grow. And here I am feeling so confused and lost about my purpose, my future, and where God wants me to be. Shouldn't I be praying about it constantly? Shouldn't I be asking for the things I am hoping for? Shouldn't it be a daily conversation?

It's so obvious to me now that a year dedicated to hope also needs to be a year dedicated to prayer. To growing. To praying continuously. I feel like it's the next step in my faith and to become more spiritually mature. Without prayer, how can we expect our hope to flourish? To become reality?


 

Day 50 - Heroes

"But if you look closer, you'll see the heroes of these stories aren't necessarily good people... But at the pivotal moments of their lives, when it really mattered, they had faith in a great God they knew and trusted." -from Big God


God uses ordinary people for amazing things. It's proven through out the Bible. It's not what you have done or what you have failed at, it's that you have faith when God calls on you to trust Him. To take a leap of faith. To do something amazing. To step forward unafraid. My imperfections are so numerous and I am constantly making mistakes, but I have a deep-seeded hope that someday God will call on me to do something big and in that moment, when it matters the most, I will show God my faith and I too can be some kind of hero.


 

Day 49 - Sure and certain of

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1 (TNIV) 



 

Day 48 - For others

Last night in the midst of working and blogging, my littlest one woke up inconsolable and would not go back to bed without me. I tried everything. I still had so much work to do and I certainly wasn't ready to call it a night just yet. But in the end I turned everything off and went to bed. Life still unfinished for the night.

A Year Full of Hope is only on it's 48th day, and yet I am learning so much about life as a human being and how to succumb to the knowledge that it's not all about me. I know we all know that, but it's natural to care about our own needs and desires because that's who we walk around with all day. It's natural to try and finish our own to-do list before we commit to helping anyone else. It's natural to keep ourselves inside our own little circle of life instead of reaching far into the place that makes us vulnerable and a little scared. But that's just not what God commands us to do. He doesn't command us to live a comfortable life centered on our family and choice of friends. He desires us to use the best of who we are and to contribute to the world. To serve other people. To turn off our busy life to be available to whomever needs us, and at any time. Even late at night when we have unfinished business.

Right now I am working on being available to others even if I don't feel like it. Even if I am tired. Even if it's a little inconvenient with my schedule. I'm pretty sure God doesn't care about our perfectly planned day. And in reality, the best parts of life come from being blessings to someone else. I am certainly a work in progress in this area because I tend to naturally want to be in a comfortable place. But sometimes God commands us to leave our comfort for someone else, and I want to learn to be faithful to that.

 

Day 47 - There are days

Every now and then there are days where I drop to my knees in front of God and say, "I get it. Thank you." Those days I am able to clear the clutter in front of my eyes to see the fragility of life. Yes, we speak of it all of the time, how fragile life is... but I don't think we really take it to heart, think about it, ponder over how delicate it is. I hear about tragedy and sadness constantly, read it in the paper, see it online, but I keep going and moving because it's not happening to me. I keep living, even if I feel sad or devastated. But every now and then something drastically hooks me and when it does I am able to see things a little more clearly. My heart changes just a little bit. My doubts, worries, and selfish ambitions are just silly scratches on my heart. Nothing is bleeding. And the fact that my family is healthy is perfection. And in those moments I fall on my knees before God and consider every moment of my life just as it is, a complete miracle. The imperfections, the brokenness, the fears.... they are gifts. They are life. My dirty floors, the stress of my workload, the deadlines that have passed, the hurt words spoken about me, they are miracles and they are life. The ugliness of my stretch marks, and the circles under my eyes are more than okay. They are all proof that I am living. To say, "things could be worse," is so cliché. But let's be real, things could be worse. So much worse. The worst of the worst. I am lucky, no wait, I am blessed, fortunate, and alive. I should want for nothing.

I get it God, thank you for Your humbling reminders.

 

Day 46 - Legacy

Today I was in a group setting and was asked the question, "What do you want your legacy to be after you pass away?" As soon as the question was finished I knew my answer, in fact it's something I have been thinking about. My answer is simple in nature, but complex in meaning.

She made the world a little more beautiful

That's it. That's how I would want to be remembered. It's at the center of my soul and I have been telling myself I want to make the world more beautiful for a long time. The complexity of it is in how many different ways I can dream of beautifying the world. Through my faith, my work, my vision, my words, my love, my ideas, with my hands, and with my heart. I just want to pour everything I have all around me and hope that somehow I physically made the world (or someone's world) more beautiful.

What would you want your legacy to be? I heard other heartfelt answers like being know as a hard worker, being a simple but respected and loved person, teaching your children about the love of Jesus and what a life of faith looks like, being an elegant and well-rounded woman, being the best mom possible, and more.

Life is so precious and time is not promised. It is being increasingly unveiled to me that if my desire is to make the world more beautiful, that is what I should be striving for every day. In small actions, in my life at home, in the way I treat strangers, by doing my best work, etc. How about you? Are you focused in your every day life of faith? Are you using your every day life to leave a legacy? To be an example for those that follow you? To honor the life that you were given?


 

Day 45- My day

Today is my favorite holiday of the year. A day not for receiving, but a day to love on the people around me as much as possible. A day to remind my hubby how much I adore him. A day to hug and kiss my parents and thank them for all of their love. A day to bring valentines to a home for grandmas and grandpas who might not receive one. And a day to smother my kids with all my love. God gave us the ability to love and to have full hearts, but the weight of our hearts depend on the love we are willing to give out to the world. Valentine's Day, just like any other day, is what you make of it. I choose to make it as lovely and special as I can.

 

Day 44 - To you

Lord, this week I will surrender to you. I keep trying to do everything myself and I keep trying to search for purpose, but in the end I am exhausted and wilted. My eyes can barely stare at the computer screen and my fingers are too tired to type. This week, I am giving it over to you. All of it. When you say run, I will run. And when you say rest, Lord I will rest. When my feelings are high or low, I will look to you. I will differ to you. I will trust you. Lord, this week I will pray to you continuously, asking questions and advice. Asking for direction. Asking for solace. Asking for guidance. And when I am afraid I will talk to you Lord. When I feel anxious I will ask for your peace. And when I feel joy I will thank you over and over again. It's all yours this week Lord. I know you will guide me.

 

Day 43 - Humble

"He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way." -Psalm 25:9 (TNIV) 


Often I forget what it means to be humble. I forget that God guides those who are humble and shows them the way. I need more of that in my life. I need to practice humility more.



 

Day 42 - Seasons

Life is full of seasons. Seasons of joy and play. Seasons of hardship and despair. These seasons are markers for our life story. They tell of our journey: how we got where we are, which turns and veers we decided to make, and who joined us for the ride. Seasons are the times we grow, change, and surrendered. Times of hope and faith, or times of uncertainty and fear. Some seasons are soft and subtle with whispers of transitions, while others are brutal and anxious, with transitions full of tears. But with all life, and all growth, we all have our seasons and they will come and go regardless of our plans.

Today I spent some time thinking about my seasons. My childhood seasons were filled with play and fun, laughter and sweetness. As I finished out my teens my seasons became more varied, filled with highs and lows. Depression slipped into my life and some of my seasons were filled with darkness, while others were filled with opportunity. Life was so powerful then and my seasons were filled with so much newness and growth. Seasons of becoming a woman and an adult. College life and finding myself. And through my twenties my seasons were about finding happiness, meaning, growth, and my future. Seasons filled with death, disappointment and coping with the hard understandings of life. Seasons filled with love, three new lives, and learning to become a wife and a mother. Seasons of success and promotions. Seasons of education and empowerment. So many seasons, so many lessons, and so many changes. Those seasons were tumultuous, rewarding, and filled with grace.

And here I am... now in my early thirties and my seasons have been intense. Powerful. Full of extreme struggles, faith, desperation, surrender, complete joy, new peeks of wisdom, and forceful.  But they are definitely seasons, one changes into another like winter turns to spring. Each so different and so complex, but with new struggles and new hope. I am in awe of how big my seasons are now. How life changing they have been. How God is renewing me and molding me even though I am tumbling from one to another. But each season brings hope and new fulfillment and understanding of life. New blessings in the bright and dark. New knowledge that seasons must come and go. That I can survive the difficult ones and bask in the bright ones. I see that when the bright ones do come, I need to bathe myself in them like I did when I was little and fill them with sweetness and laughter. And when the windy ones come I just need to hang on. Hang on like hell if I have to. But they are seasons and I must live them just like everyone else. 

When I think of the seasons of life. I think of hope. Hope is what gets us through the seasons full of darkness and hope is what warms us in seasons of joy and promise. We have the power to clasp hope and take it with us through every twister, rainy day, or ray of sunshine. We can hold it close to our heart to give us strength when we transition to and from the seasons in our life. The amazing and the difficult, the melodies and the tears. And hope reminds us when we need it the most, that we are never alone and that our Creator knows every season we have been through and He will know every season we have not yet entered. And He will be there through all of them until our life story and all of our seasons have finished. I take comfort in that. I find peace in that. I find hope in that. And while this particular season I am in sometimes feels gut-wrenching because I feel lost; the hope in my pocket and the Creator by my side reminds me to open my eyes to all of the droplets and the life around me. To feel blessed for every season that I am in because all seasons have hope of change, growth, wisdom, and life lessons. All seasons have their own distinct beauty. And I know that when I am done with the seasons of my thirties I will look back with more triumph and love, as I do with those before me. And so on, and so on, through the whole journey of my life.

For everything there is a season, 
a time for every activity under heaven. 
A time to be born and a time to die. 
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8(NLT)

 

Day 41 - Control

Last night I was reflecting on how much I have changed over the last few years. So much of my life and who I had become was forced to change, and in big ways. Thinking about that makes me realize that what has changed the most about me, other than my relationship with God and my faith, is that I have let go of my need to control. I tried to control every single thing in my life. It is part of my personality to be that way, but much of it was out of fear. Fear that things would change or that things wouldn't be the way I wanted them to be. Fear that someone else would make decisions for me. Fear that something bad would happen. So I tried to hold on and have control over everything in my life. It was exhausting and impossible, yet I still refused to budge.

Then, as you know my story, life happened. I was forced to either keep trying to control everything and become increasingly miserable, or surrender to God and trust Him. I chose the latter. I can literally remember the moment I gave it all over to God. We were living in our home, and I had been hanging on to the belief that we could somehow keep our house. I had refused to short sale or let anything happen to my perfect credit score. I was trying to control. And yet, we had lost 50% of our income and there was absolutely no way we could keep it. So one day I was sitting in my son's room on a big comfy chair looking out the window and I just broke down and told God that I would do whatever He wanted. I would leave it in His hands. I finally realized that God was trying to teach me to let go. To trust Him and to obey. On that chair I made a decision that would affect the way I treated our life and our circumstances forever. I gave God my need to control.

And so, when we had to move two more times, I let go. When Mark was laid off, I let go. When I had to change the path that I was on, I let go. When I had to accept that my life would not be what I had wanted for myself, I let go. I am still letting go every day. Letting go of old hopes and dreams. Letting go of how I wanted to be seen. Letting go of control over my life. And in letting go, I realized that we must obey God and when we surrender to Him we actually have more control over our lives because we have confidence that we are in His hands. We understand how God works. We know that it is all for good. So while I still like to take control of situations and decisions, I leave the big stuff to Him. I now understand that trying to control your life does not give you security. Instead it tangles you up in knots of fear, anxiety, and disappointment. It takes away the peace of knowing that you are not alone.

Now when God calls me to surrender, I do it with arms wide open and a heart ready for change. I have less fear and more peace in my life. I am so thankful for that change in me, and I hope that God will keep molding me and giving me opportunities to grow.

 

Day 40 - God in our future

I don't feel like I am being attacked personally, but I feel attacked when I read the news, social media, or any kind of comment forum. If the word religion is even mentioned, people spew a lot of verbal hate. And it's not just a subtle opinion, it's pretty cutthroat. The media turned Tim Tebow, a Jesus loving athlete, into a joke and a debate. I can't help but wish we lived in a different time when loving God was at least more acceptable. The media literally does not portray God, conservatism, or anything of the sort in a positive light. Or at least that is the way I feel as a 30-something-year-old woman. And I feel like it gets worse every year. Shouldn't the two sides be equally accepted?

I have so many questions on how we got here. How we got to this place where young people are laughed at if they don't believe what the media says is the right thing to believe. I have a very hard time with it, knowing the values I am trying to instill in my children are being attacked every day. Just thinking about how happy I was to have an athlete for them to look up to, and then for him to be turned into a Saturday Night Live joke is tough. And yet, this post isn't a debate about any sort of particular issue. Because lets face it, people of all religions have completely different views of what is right or wrong, even with people of their own faith. But this post is how I wish that I had some sort of control or way to shed light in a mainstream fashion of how God is good, how Christian role models are amazing, and how my values and beliefs are not jokes, but strong intentions on how I want to raise my kids. 

I am sad for the world they will grow up in. I am sad for all of the extra pressures they will face for just going to church and loving Jesus. I am sad how much they will have to fight to keep God's name on a sign or to like someone who puts religion in the center of their life. I wish they didn't grow up in a world with such harsh media, not just about religion, but about morality, beauty, and going with the popular vote. It feels like this world is on a moral decline, and I am sure it has been that way for a long time. How do I fight this?

Here is what does get me through the nervousness. Community. Maybe God is not apparent in a global sense, but when something happens at a community level...I feel him. When hundreds of thousands of comments about faith and prayers were left on little Jessie Rees's Facebook page. When I go to church and see hundreds of people from my community there, worshipping. When I see friends on Facebook not afraid to talk about God. When I see people banding together when it matters. It gives me hope that somehow maybe our generation can find a way to keep God in everyday conversations, in our personal social media, in our lives. And somehow maybe that will be the way to keep Him living for people to see. In the kindness of actions, in the solidarity through tragedy, in the realness of our own lives. And maybe the stronger we become, the more we can fight for the bigger things that have been lost. For the dignity of religion. For the strength in morality. For the importance of values. No matter what your faith is. I want my children to grow up, not feeling isolated, but feeling strong in their faith. Unafraid to talk about why God is good, in any forum.

I want to have hope in the future.

 

Day 39 - There is

I heard someone say this on tv last night.


There IS hope in the madness

Yes... yes there is. What a simple but beautiful statement. People have amazing stories of darkness, survival, and triumph. I am sure they all have something similar to say. They saw hope, they had hope, they believed in hope. There is hope in the madness. Believe in it.


 

Day 38 - Let go

We so often say, "it's not possible, I can't do this, this isn't the way it's supposed to be." I remember how all of that feels. I remember being so stuck on my ideals for my life, that I couldn't handle change. But now, I see the other end. I know that any situation is possible, that you can do it, and that sometimes the least likely scenarios are exactly how they are supposed to be. Sometimes you have to let go of how you want things to be so that they can just be.

I never in a million years would have imagined that I would be living in a two-bedroom home with three kids, two adults, and two dogs (thank goodness for our little loft full of toys). But here we are. We have made it work. My three kids all share a room and you know what, I love it right now. The mom who always said her kids would definitely have their own rooms, is now eating her words. I was wrong. Life got to us and this was the solution presented to us, it was not ideal, but it has turned out just fine. Somehow, despite what you would expect, my two year old, three year old, and six year old all fall asleep to the sounds of one another. It just works. We have fit into the space that God wants us to be in. And you know what, that is where I want to be right now. The place that houses my faith. The place where I have witnessed miracles. The place where God taught me that we can make any situation work with faith, trust, and hope.

What parts of your life are you stomping your feet, trying not to let go of? What situation is causing you despair because it's nothing like what you had hoped for? What solution has God presented you that seems so unfair? Just trust. Talk to God. Tell Him all of your feelings. Tell Him you are handing it over to him. But also, have faith in yourself, your family, or whoever is involved, that it can and will work out somehow. Just give it a chance, settle in, and let God work miracles in all situations. Don't be afraid.

"God I want your will, not mine." 

 

Day 37 - Opened

Last week I mentioned to my dad that the new series at church has been good, but I haven't been truly inspired. God heard me. Yesterday I scribbled more notes that I ever have before. But it wasn't just what was being said that was captivating me; it was what I was realizing during the words being spoken that held on to my heart. When our pastor was talking about letting God open our eyes, He opened mine. He opened my eyes to see what has been missing these past few months. What I was searching for. What has made me scramble for hope in less than ideal situations. What has made me feel down and confused.

I lost my courage.

God provided the word that I could not access. The word that was pushed somewhere inside of me. Even though I have been desperate to find it, I could not get there until God opened my eyes. It is what was lost in the craziness of life over the past few months. I let situations, unkind words, hopelessness, and frustrations take away my courage. Although to be honest, I probably gave it away in my darkness. But nonetheless, God gave it back to me yesterday.

I feel stronger. I feel more like myself. The woman who does not despair over why she has not gotten to her destination, but keeps moving forward trying new things. Unafraid of what people might think. I feel like she is back. I feel like she knows her worth. I feel like she believes in hope because she knows that anything is possible and she has the courage to act in faith. I just feel stronger again. Ready to take on life and all of its imperfections. Ready to make my life happen.

I am so humbled that God opened my eyes to see what was missing. Courage is what stirs my soul and I am so thankful to feel it again.

"Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions." -Psalm 119:18 (NLT) 




 

Day 36 - Free

Sometimes you have to distance yourself from others. Sometimes you wake up and realize that it's okay to do so. Maybe it's better for the other person too. The best way to do it is obviously as quietly and respectfully as you can, if that's possible. Sometimes it's just time to make that change, and for me it was time.

The other day I went running (if you know me, gasp) and while I was out I thought to myself, "hey instead of being a part of something unhealthy I am taking the time to better myself. I am making my life better." I can't explain how freeing that was. I was choosing to make myself better. Instead of talking about my problems, complaining, or being depressed I was DOING something about it. I was taking actions to be a better version of myself. I was no longer talking about the bad situation, in fact it wasn't about that, it was about me. It felt really good. And you know what? The more we work on bettering ourselves, the more we are able to help other people. To show them the way.

I couldn't help but think of the people out there who are lost in an addiction, an unhealthy relationship, a bad choice... I just wanted to scream out and to tell them that they deserve to feel better too. To get lost in a challenge or to get lost in a love for something else. Free yourself from pain. Run with your arms wide open.  Just try, you have nothing to lose. If you have to start small, do it. I am. I'm not a runner but I found a program that teaches you to do a little bit at a time and after many weeks you will get there. I love that analogy for life. A little at a time if you have to. And no excuses. I actually have never had even a smidgen of desire to run. But I need to do something free and this is what I came across. I'm proud of myself. We all deserve to feel like that.

So I will say it. God did not create you to be in a heap of pain, frustration, or despair. But often those situations can turn out to be blessings if we move forward and make the decision to trust God's leadership and to find the positive in it. Sometimes it takes time to see the sun, but it will come, and the best way to see it isn't to wait for it, but to try and run for it. And if you don't have the stamina to run, then jog, walk, or crawl if you have to.

You have the power to make your life more beautiful, no matter what.

That is what hope is all about.


 

Day 35 - Seek

When I opened up my prayer journal for some inspiration this morning I did not have to read very far. The very first entry was:

You were put on Earth to make a contribution- to add to life on earth


Hello. Our whole existence is not for us; it's to contribute to everything and everyone else.

A little further down the page was:

You are the only person on earth who can use your natural abilities because God gave you a unique shape and wants you to serve Him and others.


Okay. So the whole point of my creation is to contribute, and no one else can contribute like I can because I have my own unique natural shape that God gave me. So if I am not using my shape to help others, then I'm keeping something wonderful from everyone. Something that no one else can fill.

Makes you feel pretty special right? Google says that as of August 2011 there were 6,957,690,528 people on Earth. That is a lot of uniqueness, and sadly a lot of abilities being lost to lack of faith, violence, addiction, poverty, selfishness, money, and abuse (to name a few). Imagine what the world could look like if everyone was contributing and serving others. If everyone kept doing a little more to benefit the world. If we all stopped our obsession with media, idolization of people, our anger with others, and just became who God created us to be, or at the very least explored who God created us to be. Things would be a little better. We would be a little bit better. The world would be a little more peaceful. And lives would be changed.

I know that life is so overwhelming. I also know that trying to figure out what God created you for is overwhelming, because to be honest, I still have no idea. I still don't know what He wants me to do. But, when I realize my purpose isn't for me and that someday I will have to give a personal account to God (as will everyone), I really hope I have a lot of great stuff to tell him. Not for my own admiration, but so that He will see that I loved Him enough to contribute. That I fulfilled His plan for me. That I inspired my children to live their plans for Him.

Seek not to just get through the day, but to contribute somehow every day. Seek to discover a little more what your natural and unique shape is.

In the end, that's what real dreams are made of.


 

Day 34 - Grateful

My hubby told me that I have been having a pity party for myself, he's probably right. But, the whole point of this blog is to be honest and forthcoming with my feelings and my problems, and to spend a year really diving into hope and seeing what happens at the end. While my pity party is probably not very fun to read, it's a product of my changes, my faith, and my understanding of who I am and how God has decided to drastically change my life. After writing about My Year of Faith, I don't know how to be anything other than transparent. And, usually while I am writing about my shortcomings, I am hoping that there is someone else out there needing to know that they are not alone and that God can use whatever they are going through for good.

That being said... I know my pity party needs to take a break so I just want to list all of the things I am grateful for today. I started a gratitude journal after reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and I am up to #162. Your life really changes when you start being thankful for all of the things you overlook in busyness and haste. Just thanking God for something in your frustration and anger really calms your soul. Makes you love more. Makes you see the bigger picture. Here are some of my favorites from my list of 162 (I am going to 1000).

1. Quiet nights to reflect
2. My children love me unconditionally, even on my bad days
3. The smell of clean laundry
4. My little boy's birthmark on his back
5. Finding beauty in something old
6. Driving into my parents' driveway
7. Promise of a new day
8. My oldest son's enthusiasm for life
9. Anything with stripes on it
10. Eating with friends
11. Sweetness of sleeping children
12. A view
13. That my kids love being at home
14. A cup of tea
15. Rainy days
16. Symbolism of a wedding ring
17. Pizza and ranch dressing
18. Cool breeze
19. An undiscovered Bible verse
20. Gracious opportunities
21. My daughter's dainty kiss
22. Blessings in all forms

How can you not have a good day when you begin it by thanking God for all of the small things? All of the little miracles in our life that He has given us? Just for breathing every day? Even in your worst times, keep God at the center, and He will get you through it. He will give you 1,000 reasons to smile, laugh, and to be happy. Don't blame Him for your misfortunes; just thank Him for all that you do have. For those babies in their beds, those friends in your life, and for the hope of a future full of wisdom and grace.


 

Day 33 - He wants me to be strong

I am so grateful that we can pay our necessary bills. Hallelujah to that. But I haven't purchased clothes in what seems like years, except for a couple of pairs of jeans and an outfit or two for a necessary occasion. My wardrobe is really old. Lately, I look around and I see women dressed so cute. They have on wardrobe pieces that I know I would have right now if we could afford it. A new pair of boots, cute sweaters, pants, tops, etc. I'm not even talking anything outrageous, just a few items here and there. I look at them and I can't help but feel envious, which is something I have tried to cut out of my life. I see them and I see the person I think I should be right now, and I feel like some of my identity is gone. The way I look is not reflective of who I am. If we had money my hair would not be this long, my shoes would not be the same all of the time, I wouldn't wear jeans with holes in them, and I would feel better about myself. It has been bothering me a lot, which is strange coming from such an intense year where I never thought of those things. I think the financial difficulties are starting to wear on me. I have been so strong for so long, giving up every comfort I used to have. Now I just want a semi-normal life.

So here I am, left to think about who I truly am. Who we all truly are. Do you ever think about it? Can you imagine if you were stripped away of everything that defines you like your clothes, home, car, decor, etc.? All that would be left is your heart, soul, words, and your faith. Would you be as impressive as you are in person, on Facebook, to strangers? I imagine that is how it will be when we are in Heaven. We will not have earthly bodies so I assume that we will be seen as exactly who we are. Nothing to masquerade or detour us. Nothing to put on that will make us feel better, cuter, or prettier. It makes you think, right? That so often we forget how important our character and our hearts are. That while looking great is nice, being great is eternal.

There are just times in our lives where we have to surrender and let go. This is mine. I can work on my appearance by working out and eating better, but I cannot buy my appearance right now. I have to live with that. I have to deal with the fact that my clothing may not represent how I want to be seen, but instead I need to let my actions, words, and spirit speak louder so that people can truly understand who I am. Holes and all. In the midst of all of this, God has been shouting to me over and over again to be confident in who I am and who He created me to be. I know that he wants my confidence and my spirit to be unshakable. I have to see that this is all part of the journey, my journey where I am forced to let go of all of my wants, and I have to keep moving forward in faith and with hope. It's not easy. In fact, I believe that this part of the journey is definitely the most emotional because God is literally making me turn my focus away from earthly goods and wealth and forcing me to grow, have courage, be strong, and define myself. I don't know where I am going, but He wants me to be strong. He is preparing me for the rest of my life. 

"Seek to develop the character of God in your own life: mercy, grace, humility, love.... carry out His justice and love in the world." - from Big God

 

Day 32 - My Struggle

Friends, I am struggling. It may not be some huge crazy thing, but it's affecting my life and I just haven't been able to put a stop to it. I hate looking in the mirror. It's funny because I actually really love the woman I am becoming, but I just cannot get myself to love the outside of me anymore. In the midst of drama, stress, finances, and life I have stopped caring about myself and so in return I am just a lumpy mess. I understand how people become obese. You just stop caring and you use food for comfort and to take away the anxiety that follows you. I almost use food to hurt myself. Just another soda, some extra food, just because I want to punish myself for looking the way I do. In turn I have lost my energy and my stamina to get done the 100 projects that need to be done. I'm just not the me that I want to be, and loving only half of yourself is just not enough. I want to love all of me.

Here's my problem. I just can't get motivated. Life is so busy already, that I just cannot go the extra mile to take care of myself and get more done. Something is missing; something inside of me is putting the brakes down and refusing to go anywhere. I hate being so opposite of the woman that I know I truly am, but this is affecting all of me. I know that I need to take it to God. I know that He is the only one that can give me the peace to get up and try. I know that He can spread hope through my body so that my outside can reflect how I feel on the inside. I know that He can validate that I am worth the effort. But, other than asking and praying for it, what else can I do? I know that I need to find inspiration in His word. I need to meditate on His promises. I need to trust Him to help me through it. I need to lean on Him to lift me up right now. I need to beg Him for strength. I just need to give it all over to Him.

I just want to yell, "enough" to myself. This is not something new. In fact, I remember blogging about something similar in My Year of Faith, but I just couldn't do it, at least not permanently. But this time I need help. It's seems so trivial to ask prayers for. I am not hugely overweight, I am not suffering from a serious side affect, but it's hurting me nonetheless. And, I am here, humbling pouring out my heart, not asking for help, but asking for prayers. Or asking for bible verses that inspire you to be motivated. Or verses that talk about leaning on God. I have so many, but what if you have one that will sink in my heart? I know how to make the changes I want, I just need to find enough courage and determination to do it.

I know we all have hindrances in our lives. Mine may be related to my body, but yours may be related to anger, resentment, believing in your future, overcoming an obstacle, letting go of a relationship, or just finding strength to get through your day. I know that reaching into God's Word and taking it to Him will get us through it... but we still have to take the first step. We have to actively want it every day, praying, educating, renewing, working, and not giving up on it. If there is something you are tired of, maybe we can encourage each other. You can always email me at elhajs@aol.com.


"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." -James 4:8