Day 182 - Clean

I have dedicated this summer to cleaning out our house and completing all of the projects on or way-past-due list. I came to the realization that spring-cleaning just isn't for me. In the spring we are immersed in sports, homework, holidays, birthdays, and everything you can imagine. There is never time for a good clean or organization overhaul. But somehow summer has provided me with the time to get things done. We have donated loads of toys, clothes, gone through cabinets, closets, and cupboards.  And I am starting to feel better, lighter, and cleaner. But I still have a lot more work to do.

While I am cleaning out my home, I feel like I am also taking inventory of my life. Trying to be present in who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. I am trying to clean out the gutters in my soul and learning to deal with things I cannot change. I am assessing where I want to go and how I can get there (although this is hard to do since I have no idea where God is leading me and I am surrendering it all to Him). I am trying to reflect on the actions God has taken in my past to get me to where I am today. But most of all I am trying to restore my heart from this past year and learn to make it less penetrable from others thoughts, words, or actions - because God has shown me that no matter what I do some people will never be pleased, and that is okay. They are not me and I don't need anyone's blessing but His. Clearing out all of those cobwebs of feelings really makes you look at life differently.

It's good to clean, to clear out, to refresh, and to renew in every way possible.




 

Day 181 - World is waiting

Will you say yes to God?
If so, your world is waiting...

-from Dangerous Surrender


I'm going through a lot right now, but in a very subtle way if that makes any sense. I know that something big is happening in my spiritual maturity, but it's a slow process that God is working on and in reality all I feel is some depression lurking into my life. I haven't felt a lot of joy these past few days, but to be fair we have been stuck inside for three days of perfect summer weather because my daughter is sick and I think that has something to do with it too.

I started reading Kay Warren's book Dangerous Surrender just because there wasn't anything else around. What a great book. God put in front of me in a time when I already decided to give up parts of my life, was adding new experiences, and trying to see what more I could be. I had already started to surrender to the feelings of inadequacy that sometimes plague me of not having the job I've dreamed of. I am letting go of feelings of caring of what others think about me, and instead seeing my value and worth trough God's eyes. Of giving it all to Him to use me. And now after reading this book, I am trying to let go of the fears that I have to find out where God needs me most. I am not a fearful person when it comes to putting myself out there and doing something I dream of, but I do have worries that I know God is trying to strip from me. Things I need to let go of.

I have already said yes to God, but now I need to start moving. It's not as easy as it seems. I have come so far on my spiritual journey and I know that I have a long way to go. But God made it clear when I opened my book looking for guidance in my depression that the world is waiting.




 

Day 180 - Reminder

I remind myself over and over:

I already have more than I deserve.

 

Day 179 - Old ways

I'm not going to lie; I am having a hard time not going back to my old ways. I know I mentioned it a couple of days ago, but I definitely need reminders that money is not going to buy us happiness. I want to buy things constantly and then I regret some of the purchases I make. Nothing big, but it all adds up and I need to reign myself back in to see what our needs really are. God is teaching that to me right now. He is reminding me how to watch over our money and to protect it, and I am thankful that He loves me enough to keep reminding me even when I mess up from time to time.

 

Day 178 - Changes

Don't be afraid of all of the changes happening in you life. Have hope that they will give you more wisdom, strength, and love down the road. God is often building you up just when you feel like he is tearing you down. Hang in there, be bold, and know that you are not alone.


 

Day 177 - What is that to you?

Last year we were in financial ruins (if you do not know my story you can go to my blog My Year of Faith). When you have no money, you feel grateful for whatever you do have and you want for nothing. I was literally thankful for a roof over our heads, food on the table, and the health of my family. But, as things have gotten better and we can afford small luxuries like trips to Costco and Target, I have begun to want more once again. I may not want as much as I used to, but over time I find that I think I "need" things. I have to remind myself of what the word "need" really means. And more than just needing things, I notice what other people have, which then reminds me of what I have lost and what I have always wanted. It's funny how that works. While I am constantly reminding my children what truly matters and how lucky we are, I have to constantly remind myself the same thing.

The problem with wanting more and noticing what other people have is that you start to ask, "Why don't I have those things?" "Lord, when will I be able to buy a house again?" "Lord, why do you abundantly bless that family who doesn't even believe in you?" "Lord, why is everything so hard now?" "How did we get here and when will it all be better?" When I question those things in my selfish heart, I am constantly reminded of John 21:18-22 and how Jesus said to Peter, "What is that to you? You must follow me." Those words, "what is that to you," have been replayed in my mind over and over again and bring me a lot of comfort. I think back to this sentence in the book Dangerous Surrender, "You see, it really isn't any of my business - or your business - what God does in someone else's life. My only business is to follow Him." It's none of our business how God blesses, who God blesses, why God blesses, or when God blesses. Our only business is to be present in our own relationship with Him and to watch Him work in our life.

For some people "what is that to you" is a little scary and harsh. But for me, it's relief and love. It's proof that God has a special journey for each of us and the details are all our own. He blesses some people in certain ways, and some people in other ways. We will all face hardships in this life, we will all have many blessings and joys, but it will not be the same for any of us. God has a unique plan for each person and it is none of our business why some people have big houses, or why some people have loving families. Our business is just to follow Him.

Remembering all of that has helped me steer clear of the jealousy and envy that we feel when other people have what we want. I'm not saying I don't feel those emotions, because of course I do, but I can let them go when I remind myself that it's not my business why they have what I don't. God has His own plan for me. Being able to throw those emotions behind you after they show up is an amazing sense of freedom. It takes away a lot of hurt and pain that may have been weighing you down. It frees you from feeling inferior or less that someone else. So the next time you are faced with the feelings of envy or greed, ask yourself, "What is that to you?"

 

Day 176 - A light

I have probably posted these lyrics 10 times by now, but every time that I hear them at church I just know they are meant for someone. SO many people are going through such hard times right now and there has always been something comforting to me hearing these words.

And I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
- lyrics to You Never Let Go


Keep holding on. I remember all of the times it felt like we would always be in darkness, and yet a light came.


 

Day 175 - 10 Days Away

This morning I ran five miles without stopping. That's just chump change to so many people, but to me it was a looming number that I didn't truly believe that I could do. It's a half a mile more than I trained for my last run. And while in my heart I knew that I could do it, my mind was not so sure. So I just told myself as I was running, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength, over and over again. And I finished it.

I'm not sure why so many of us do not believe that we can accomplish the feats that other people do. Why for some reason we are not strong enough, smart enough, fast enough, competent enough, or creative enough. Why are we the ones that hold ourselves back? This year has taught me that I might not be the best at something, but that I can do it. That I need to believe in myself. That I need to put my time in. That I need to know that I am not alone and that God will help see me through.

My 10K is only 10 days away, and while I may be the last to cross the finish line, I know that I can run the whole race and that I will finish. And after it's done, I will set a new goal and work towards it. It makes my life come alive.

When you are having an awful day, going through a trial, feeling let down, or are ready to give up... remind yourself, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength and keep on moving.



 

Day 174 - Hope

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)



 

Day 173 - Cleaning

Even though summer feel stressful with all three kids at home and no break, I have also felt a sort of freedom that comes with it. I love that. No homework, not many places that we have to be at, and being able to do everything right for my family. I have also found that summer has turned into my spring-cleaning. Instinctively I have begun cleaning, sorting, throwing away, and organizing because I have more time to take care of the home. It feels good to weed through the messes and the disorganization in my life. To clean it up little by little. And I also see it as a metaphor for cleaning up myself. For paying attention to what I need to work on, what needs to be weeded out of my life, and what needs some cleaning emotionally and spiritually. It's important to periodically find time to take inventory of where you are at personally and to fix what is broken and work on what needs to be fixed.

Summer has become that healing time for me in all ways and I welcome it.


 

Day 172 - One chapter

I went over to my parents' house about 9 months ago and raided their bookshelves for religious non-fiction books. I brought home a big bag and immediately started in on the ones I knew I wanted to read. Over time some stragglers have been left and I always kind of pick which one I get the best feeling from when it's time to start reading again. God speaks to me through books, speaks to me directly, and I always want to read whichever one pulls at my heart strings the most because I know that is His call for me. This week my heart leaned towards a book that had not really jumped out at me before (Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren). And yet, tonight here is what I read.

But somewhere within each of us is a desire for significance, for meaning - a need to know that our time here on earth matters.


It created in me and expectation that someday God would use me for his good purposes. I began to wait for my turn to shine. The days turned into months, the months into years.


But I ended up feeling more and more as if I had been set on a shelf.


I stopped fretting over what would happen to me; any gifts I had were given to me by God, and if he chose to use them in a way that was different from the way I wanted them to be used, that was his decision.


I had to trust that while I couldn't see where the steps of faith were leading me. I was walking on a firm structure that wouldn't let me fall. 


It's as if my true hearts sadness and confusion was laid out in front of me. Someone else has felt the same way I feel. The wondering, the desire, and the feeling of abandonment. The highs and the lows. My questions of why I worked so hard at my job, why I went on to get my MBA, why He had me speak and start blogging...if it was all for nothing. My life is on her page, even as far as going on to surrender and say the exact same words I have said myself to God in prayer.  By reading someone else's feelings I see that I need to stop asking, worrying, feeling inadequate and I need to surrender. I was already working to this on my own, but the extra push solidified what was already in my heart. I need to trust Him.

A lot of clarity in one chapter of reading.


 

Day 171 - Faith

I read this quote last night:

I learned that faith isn't tested by how often God answers my prayers with a yes but by my willingness to continue serving him and thanking him, even when I don't have a clue as to what he is doing.
-Gary Thomas


It burrowed deep inside of me and reminded me that God is working in my life; even though I have no clue what direction he will send me in. It picked me up and told me that everything is okay and that I am right where I am supposed to be. That my insecurity with what I am doing in my life right now is only of my own. That the desires for success and admiration have no place in a life of faith or in God's plans.


 

Day 170 - Sefless

Today I read a Facebook post telling of a father that came home with no shoes on because he gave them to a homeless man. I was instantly reminded of Proverbs 22:9 and Proverbs 3:25.

A generous man will himself be blessed,
for he shared his food with the poor.

and

Do not withhold good from those who deserve it,
when it is in your power to act.


I could not help but wonder if I would do the same. But lets face it, I haven't and I have been around people who would benefit from that kind of generosity and love. Sure, I have given money to someone in need, but not the shoes off of my own feet. I hope that I can imprint that act of love in my mind forever, and when given the chance, I too could be so selfless. What a role model.

 

Day 169 - Father's Day

My father is my hero and my friend. He has always shared his strengths and his weaknesses with me. He loves me unconditionally and never walks away. He encourages me in everything that I do. He picks me up when I am down, and pushes me forward when I need support. He loves my husband as his own son, and tells us how proud he is of the family we have become. My children adore their grandpa and I feel so lucky to witness that. We all know we can count on him for anything, and we do. He takes care of everyone and has always set a good example of what a loving father and faithful man should look like. There are not enough words to describe the love that I have for my father. So I hope a simple I love you and thank you will do.

Happy Father's Day Dad. I feel eternally blessed that God gave me to you. Thank you for teaching me about faith and the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. My life shines brighter because of you.

 

Day 168 - Wake up and try again

I went running today with a set distance to complete. I have run that same distance before with little problem, but today I stopped about a half mile short and could not continue. I was sick and exhausted. While I started to get angry with myself for not completing the goal, I remembered that the same thing had happened once before. And when it happened I was also mad, but the very next day I was able to run it with no problem.

Today I am reminded that every day is a new day. Every adventure has ups and downs. That sometimes we are stronger and sometimes we are weaker, but that the weaker days are often what build us up to be prepared for the next day, time, adventure, and so on. That my weakness does not have to last forever if I don't let it. That learning to pick yourself up after disappointment is part of the battle. It is part of your strength.

When you think you just can't keep going, give yourself time and try again.


 

Day 167 - A tiny step

Last night I was reminded that sometimes challenging yourself means taking even the tiniest step. Sometimes it means closing your eyes and doing what you know you need to do, even though it scares you. Here I thought that big challenges were important, but I was brought back to reality when I saw that most often the bravest challenges are the ones that require you to quietly step over a line you drew for yourself.



 

Day 166 - Go

If you don't challenge yourself in some way how will you ever feel a sense of accomplishment? How will you grow? Don't be afraid to go out and do something hard, difficult, or something that has been in your heart but you have been too afraid. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves how strong, loving, wonderful, and smart we are. You will never go through it alone, God is with you.

 

Day 165 - New journey

I just entered another 10K race, which makes me laugh because I have never even run a 5K, but also because I just started running a few months ago. Last week's run wasn't your typical 10K so I want to know that I can do a normal 10K and run it the whole time. I may be as slow as a turtle, but it's all about finishing. I suddenly have a strong desire to complete this, to face physical challenges, and to become more courageous.

God is actively working on my mental and physical toughness... and I like it. I feel like a new woman.

He is preparing me for a new part of my life, I can feel it. I can feel Him sewing out the fears and weaknesses that have plagued me for as long as I can remember.

It's a whole new journey and here is the perfect verse to go with it.

"So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!" -Psalm 31:24 (NLT) 

 

Day 164 - Searching

No matter how self-assured I sound, and maybe I don't, I can tell you that I feel like something is missing. I feel like I am always searching for an unknown. I feel like my purpose in life is still yet to be revealed. And that's hard for me. I struggle with it; always wondering why things are the way that they are and why I haven't been able to start dedicating my life to the one thing God put me on earth for.  I am a planner by nature, but as much as I have tried to plan out my life, God has changed it all. I feel lost sometimes.

But I know that God is using A Year Full of Hope to teach me to have hope in all circumstances including waiting on Him to reveal my purpose. That having hope teaches me to love myself, to change, to grow, and to mold who I am. That God can use all of my strengths and especially my weaknesses for good. That I need to have peace in my heart that maybe God's intentions for me are not the large plan that I had hoped for. Maybe my purpose is much closer to home, much more intimate and definitive.

Either way, I believe. I have hope. I have faith in the plans in front of me.



 

Day 163 - Why

There are days I ask myself, "Why do you do this? Why do you keep blogging every day about your life? Is anyone even reading?" While I know God has called me to keep writing, even if it's only for myself, I still wonder why. And then I read this, my answer:


"When you share your story, it not only gives hope to others, it brings healing to you. Every time you share your story, you grow a little bit stronger, you experience another measure of healing." 
-from Life's Healing Choices

Sometimes even when no one else is listening, we are listening to ourselves. To our hearts. And that is how we heal and grow.



 

Day 162 - I did it

Today was my first 10K run. I have been training for it ever since I decided to make my family's life healthier. Ever since I decided to stop complaining that I could not afford the workouts that I liked to do. Ever since I put a goal in my mind and stuck to it. Ever since God told me that I could do something outside of the box I have created. And ever since I realized that I am a fighter, not just emotionally, but physically too.

As I was getting read for the run this morning, which I was very anxious about, I opened up my email and saw a daily devotional. Here was the last line:

"...dozens of times in Scripture God has said, "I'll be with you no matter where you go." God is always with you, whether you feel it or not."

I felt it yesterday. I have a lot more fight left in me. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.


 

Day 161 - Today

Today I am just trying to calm my nerves for tomorrow's race. I am reminded that often something that is no big deal to one person, can be a life changer for someone else.

 

Day 160 - Others

I read this last night:

"God is bigger than anyone who hurts you. NO matter what other people have done to you, God can recycle it and use it for good. God never wastes a hurt." from Life's Healing Choices

Much of this last year was filled with a lot of hurt from other people. It's not easy to be all consumed in pain caused from others. It's not easy to wade through who you are, and who people want to say you are. But knowing that God is bigger than all of that sets the stage of bracing yourself to get through it.

What a powerful quote. Keep it in your heart as you journey through life.


 

Day 159 - New roles

Something to add to yesterdays post. God has been putting opportunities in Mark's heart and mine to take leadership roles in our children's lives. This is definitely something that I did not see coming 100%. While we already take on volunteer rolls, such as Assistant Coach, helping in the classroom, etc., next year we will both be taking on major rolls as Mark will lead his Adventure Guides circle, and I will have a heavy handed volunteer position at my son's school. These are both very time consuming, and as I was listening to God nudge me to give up most of my work, I knew why. God has an eventful year coming up for our family. Last night was my first meeting for my new role, and I feel very anxious about it. It's more than I imagined. But, I also know that this is where we are supposed to be going. That next year will be a year for our family to make a difference.

I'm not going to lie, I am scared, but God has been laying the framework and we will just follow his lead.
I am grateful that He has helped me let go of so many things that would have made next year cumbersome and that have been taking away my sleep, and my joy.


 

Day 158 - I am listening

I have already shared that God is leading me to give up most of my work (not blogging) so that I can be more present and feel less stressed at home. I have been listening to Him and have been working towards that goal. I am definitely being tested though, just this week two separate people came to me for good-sized work. But I said no. My heart knows that this is what God is calling me to do and that I need to follow His lead. It's hard for me, it's not my nature, but I am following. More peace was put into my heart when a sweet friend from my child's school said she is living through the same thing right now. I love when that happens. All I can do now is have faith and hope that this is part of a larger plan, and that sometimes we need to give up parts of our life that we have been holding on too tightly to.


 

Day 157 - A Miracle

Tiffany is a beautiful woman and her story has been sitting in my heart since I read it. I know that so many women, and some of my readers, deal with infertility issues and I love that hope that can be found in miraculous stories like this one. Here is her Facebook post that moved me to tears.

Have you witnessed a miracle in your lifetime? Would you like to hear mine and Adam's miracle? After trying to have a baby for almost 4 years, enduring 5 miscarriages, 4 IVF cycles, hormones, shots, countless doctors, countless disappointments and ongoing depression, I was called to the Lord in November. Adam and I started attending a new church every Sunday doing nightly devotions and truly crossing the line, as my church will say, into our faith. I had lost hope and decided to "give it to God". I'd read Proverbs 3:6 EVERYDAY and pray for His will. On our very next, less invasive, less medicinal, try at a family we were blessed with our miracle baby. And we haven't looked back since. I'm happy to announce that we're 20 weeks pregnant with our son. God is GOOD! 


God has His own plan, with His own timing, and His own outcome. Thank you Tiffany for allowing me to share your story with my friends. And if any of you would like to get in touch with Tiffany please email me at elhajs@aol.com.



 

Day 156 - Time

Sometimes life just takes time.

There are so many times that we want things so badly, but I am finding, as I get older that they just need their own time to develop. At the beginning of the school year I had a little mishap trying to run for a position on our school's Honour Society (like a PTA)... I was not happy about it and I felt slighted and very out of the "circle." I don't know how to explain that properly. And yet, now the year is ending and I will be holding a key position for the school's Honour Society next year. Elections were last week. And while I still feel out of the "circle," I can look back and remember the angst and hurt that I felt and see that it was for nothing. I'm here, just at a different time. Just on God's time. Just at the right time.

We spend a lot of our time wondering why things didn't work out the way we wanted them to. We could be using that time praying, working, growing, and building for our future instead. That we can trust that life has its own timetable and that we need to be a little more patient and have faith that it will all work out.


 

Day 155 - Inspired

I saw this quote two days ago... it moved me.


"When God is going to do something wonderful, He begins with a difficulty.... When He is going to do something miraculous, He begins with impossibility." -Charles Inwood


Today I am reminded that God can move mountains. He changes lives. He makes the impossible possible.  That just when we think that He has abandoned us, He shows up in miraculous ways.


 

Day 154 - Love

It's all about love.

What I learned last year is that everything is fleeting except for love and faith. When we had nothing financially and every day was uncertain, I didn't beg God for money.... I begged Him to keep our family safe, healthy, and together. It's weird how that happens. When we are on the brink of losing everything around us, we don't ask for things, because we understand they are fleeting. We ask for love. We beg for love. I begged for my family. I knew how easily everything could be taken away and I could live without all the monetary possessions forever, but I could not live without the people I love. They are the most important things in the world and we found joy in a less that ideal situation because we knew what was important.

While our finances have improved since then, our situation is still not completely ideal. And yet, despite how recent it was I begin to forget how I felt. I start to return to selfish thinking of things and my wants. Of wanting a full life, with more of this and that. Of worrying about buying a house someday, of what will happen financially down the road for us, of how I will live a comfortable life. And then.... a pain in my heart reminds me of what life is all about. About loving my husband, my kids, my parents, my sisters, and my dearest friends. Of building a home (wherever it is) with a happy family inside. Of raising kids who feel loved and secure, teaching them how to live a joyful life no matter what you have or what you do. And showing them how to be thankful for what you have in all circumstances. It's okay to want more, but you should never forget what makes a life worth living.

It's love (in all dimensions).

I am as thankful for the reminder as I am for the lesson.

 

P.S. Speaking of love... if you read my post yesterday you know that I was struggling with living in the today, and letting yesterday fall behind. Of being confident in who I am no matter what. Proof of God's love arrived the same day. These are the words that arrived in my inbox not long after posting my thoughts.


“Look straight ahead with honest confidence; don't hang your head in shame.” (Proverbs 4:25 TEV)

Day 153 - Today, not yesterday

Yesterday I had to get up on stage and talk in front of people. I shook like a leaf. I am embarrassed, especially since it was in front of people that I have to see almost every day at my son's school. It wasn't pretty and all I want to do is think about it and beat myself up over what I didn't say and how nervous I was, but today I am reminded that we need to focus on today, not yesterday. That what is in the past is behind us and that every obstacle we face brings us a step forward into who we are meant to be. Yes, I realize that public speaking is either not my thing, or needs to be worked on (a lot). But that's life and re-playing it in my head is not going to fix anything.

Live for today, have no regrets, be thankful for what God has provided for you, and be confident in yourself and your faith. Ask God to give you peace in your heart in all circumstances. And love yourself no matter what missteps occur. Life is hard, but worth all of the bumps.