Day 152 - An admission

God is calling me to figure some things out. My life is filled with so many to-dos and things are being left in the dust. I spend so much time feeling guilty about what I am not getting done. I have a full house, a full schedule, and my own needs related to health, sleep, and finances. I can hear God calling me to work things out, to make decisions, to simplify. And instead of ignoring them, which is what I have been doing, I want to open myself up to His guidance on what is right for me.

Lord, my life feels unbalanced and I have so much guilt and frustration over the things that are not getting done. I also feel like I am missing out on wonderful opportunities. Lord, please guide me and give me peace in my decision-making. Please help me restructure my time, my commitments, and my heart.

 

Day 151 - Inches

You grow by inches.


Those simple words were in a book I was reading last night. Some days we are a total mess and then the next day we want to be this powerful, amazing person. The road to spiritual maturity does not happen that way and we have to take it day by day.

I need to remember this.

We grow inch by inch.


 

Day 150 - Go

It's no coincidence that the times I feel the most uninspired and distant in my life, are the times when I have missed church a few weeks in a row. This time of year is so busy and it seems like every weekend is something we have to do. I believe we missed three out of four weeks at church, which is highly unusual. During that time I felt like I was struggling to write, struggling to feel connected, and struggling to feel joyful. And then I went to church last Sunday, and "boom" I felt it again. The words that motivate me, the topics that interest me, and the phrases that give me hope.

Going to church is not just a thing you do. Going to church is giving yourself, and your family, time to reflect, draw near to God, and to grow in your own soul.

Maybe you haven't been in a long time. Maybe you don't feel connected when you do go. But maybe you are going through some really devastating feelings right now, and connecting to church can give you a new outlook and peace in your problems. God speaks to you there. God comforts you there. Just try it, give it a few weeks, make it a priority, drag your family out of bed.

 

Day 149 - Let me pray for you

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." -James 5:16 


I want to pray for you. If you have anything going on in your life and you need prayer that is confidential and available, I would love to pray for you. Email me at elhajs@aol.com.

 

Day 148 - CAN

I started running again yesterday. I stopped training for a week and a half due to medical issues. I was right in the middle of my 5 week program and giving up more than a week felt like I was starting all over again. I didn't go too far yesterday, but it was still hard. This morning I went out and everything felt wrong and uncomfortable. I was just about to give up and go home around the 2.5 mile mark, but I found my stride, and in doing so I realized that the only thing that was keeping me back was myself. I didn't believe that I could do it. I didn't believe that I could get back in the game. I didn't believe that I was strong enough. And so I pushed my own self down. Once I let go of that self doubt, I went another mile and a half. I felt good. I felt strong. I believed in myself.

Usually the only thing holding us back is ourselves.

Right when I got my I repeated this to myself:

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13 


And I did.

Don't hold yourself back from anything. Believe in your ability, and more so believe that you CAN do anything through Christ.

 

Day 147 - Good in all things

Today an immense feeling of gratitude came over me. Today I realized that had I not lost my job, my house, Mark's job, struggled, and went through so much pain... I would not have many of my friends, nor my amazing neighbors, Brody would not be at his school, I would not have joined MOPS, I would not love my husband as deeply as I do, I would not be grateful for the roof over my head and the food on my table, my faith would be weak, and I would be on a path with more materialistic joy, but so much less real joy and hope. Despite our financial difficulties, I have so much more than I ever could ask for. My relationships have deepened, my life has taken on more meaning, and I am stronger than ever. So, even though I was devastated by everything that I lost... I can now see everything that I gained...and I would not trade it back for the world. I mean it.

God is good in all circumstances.

 

Day 146 - What a gift

My oldest turned 7 today. Just looking at him and all of the ways that God made him unique and amazing gives me so much hope for the future. For his, mine, and for all of us. Life is so precious and I am so grateful that God entrusted me to be his mother and to help build him into the man that He has planned.

What a gift.

 

Day 145 - Taking a step back

Something changed in me this week... maybe it was being sick and just giving into life. Maybe it was letting things go because I could not do them. Maybe it was realizing that there are always pit stops, even when things are good. Maybe it was another step in learning to give up control. Or a little of everything I am sure.

This week, amidst pain and sickness, I had a little bit of peace come over me. Peace that my life is really good and that I don't need anything more. Yes, I can want more... I can want to adopt, succeed, have more money, but I don't need more. I have so much as it is. I am already overwhelmed and on a schedule as it is. This week God was calling me to give up some things, not feel pressured to do it all, and to look at my little family and be exuberantly happy with what I have.

Sometimes God has to force us to take a step back so that we can a little more clearly.


 

Day 144 - Sometimes

It's been a long week of not feeling well. I'm glad things are finally on the upswing, but I realized one thing... sometimes you just have to let the world around you keep moving and not worry about catching up. I haven't been able to run, or go to the grocery store, or do any laundry, or answer emails, or do things I needed to do. That's not like me. But sometimes you just have to let it all go and know that everything will work out. Just like I posted yesterday, life is not an emergency. I needed that lesson. I needed the reminder that sometimes we have setback and sometimes life doesn't fall into place as planned, but everything will be okay.

I am thankful for God's care this week.

 

Day 143 - Needed that

I just came across this note in my journal:

Stay calm, enter the moment, give thanks. Life is not an emergency.
-from One Thousand Gifts


I'm not going to lie... I needed that!



 

Day 142 - Still here

I'm having a hard time keeping up on this blog, but more realistically I'm having a hard time keeping up with life right now. My husband asked me the other day if I was "over" this blog. Of course not! I know there are days when I get behind and don't blog, but it doesn't change how important hope is to me. I am clutching it as the sea of to-dos is swallowing me hole. But I'm still reaching, and I know that there is peace even in the storm.

Life sure has a grip on me. I haven't felt well for about a week and it's slowing me down, in a not-so-good way. I just can't catch up and I feel so lost and helpless. But I know that I need to keep moving and try to do my best. And I was reminded by a wonderful email, that this blog is really bigger than me and my to-dos. So even though I may be missing, I'm still here. Living a year full of hope.

 

Day 141 - My fortune

Today I feel blessed. I am lucky to have such amazing friends that love me, spoil me, and accept me for exactly who I am. My friends have been so good to me lately... I feel undeserving. Today I realized that I have absolutely nothing to complain about, because the fortune I have in friendship can get me through the rest of my years, no matter what circumstances I am in.

 

Day 140 - When potholes hit

After I re-read yesterday's post I realized that I am afraid that I will fail and go back to my old self. That I won't be strong enough to take a break, and that I will give in. That I won't be able to hold it together. And then, wouldn't you know it, this is what I read in Life's Healing Choices.


We get stuck, and we cannot get unstuck on our own power - and so despair sets in. 


Are you worried that in this battle of life you won't be able to hold on? Don't worry. It's not your job to hold on. God will do the holding... 


Now it's time to exchange willpower for the willingness to accept God's power to run our lives.


When potholes hit, do I try and get through it alone, or do I accept God's power to take care of it? I think by nature when it comes to my physical strength, I try and do it myself. I always have. No wonder why my fears and failures always get the best of me. This time around I need to give it to God and allow His power to get me through. I need to trust that He can give me the strength to come out of this detour strong and confident, just as I was a few days ago.


 

Day 139 - You are going to be okay

I had a little health scare. I'm okay, just in a bit of pain. I am so thankful for good health. My little scare will keep me from running (hopefully for a short time), but I feel like I just hit a hurdle that I cannot get over. It's not about the big race coming up in June, or my running schedule that I have been on, it's about that pothole in the road... and I just hit it. We always have potholes in life, and so often right when we are flying high.

I'm already feeling a little down, a little heavier, and a little lost. Here I was on a roll.... eating great, losing weight, getting stronger every day, and running so well. And now I just feel a little empty because I have to get off of the tracks for a little bit and just stand by and watch. It's no big catastrophe, but I felt like I was finally enjoying some personal success and now I'm stuck.

So what do you do when the inevitable happens- because potholes are a part of life? What do you do when something takes you off the tracks and you want to crawl in a hole? What do you do when you are so afraid of life going back to the way it was?

You talk to God.
You have faith.
You keep hope.

And you close your ears to the negativity and sensitivity that can get you down. You thank God for the blessings, you don't overlook the good, and you let the cards fall. And, as soon as you can, you get back on that train and go full throttle. You believe that you can do it all over again and you don't give up on yourself.

Amanda, you are going to be okay. Don't let this little pothole change your course.


 

Day 138 - Am I?

I am on Day 138 of A Year Full of Hope and I can't help but wonder, am I full of hope? Do I feel like hope surrounds me? Do I feel more hopeful than last year? And my answer is yes. Yes, I am full of hope. Maybe not the super-happy-always-full-of-sunshine kind of hope, but in my heart I have a settled and permanent hope that is optimistic and fully aware that no matter what happens, I can weather the storm and God will provide for me. The kind of hope that knows that my life is not useless, that I am precious and I will change the world in the way I was created to. The kind of hope that knows that life is really beautiful and the best part of life is right in front of you in the people that you love and the life that you build from what you are given. Hope has become a permanent fixture in my life, and perhaps while the size and intensity of it may change, it is there and I love that. I love that even in disappointment, I can be hopeful that any outcome will be used for good.

Another way God has been molding me.

 

Day 137 - On the floor

I just started reading the book Life's Healing Choices by John Baker. There is something about this passage that really connected with me.

The fact is that many of us are a mess. We're scattered all over the living-room floor, with no one to put us together and no idea where to begin the process of healing. Each of our lives is tangled up with hurts that haunt our hearts, hang-ups that cause pain, and habits that mess up our lives.

Sure, I am not scattered on the floor at this moment, but how can I not look back at the times where I was and I wanted to be fixed? It's happened before, and in my lifetime it will happen again and again. We are all messes at times and for so many different reasons. Admitting that is so freeing. I wish more people would. I know so many people who are walking around with tangled lives, and I'm not ever sure they will allow themselves to heal. They don't look sprawled out, but I know how much pain they carry. How much they want to be put back together.

I now know that in those messy times, I just need to cry out to God. That He can help heal me and guide me off the living-room floor. 

My wish is that more people would give Him a chance to untangle them too.

 

Day 136 - The Secret

We cannot control all that happens to us, but we can control how we choose to respond to what happens to us. That is the secret of happiness.
- from Life's Healing Choices



 

Day 135 - My Day

Today I turn thirty-two. I am happy. I am lucky. I am grateful. I am full of joy. I am blessed.

By wisdom a house is built, 

and through understanding it is established;

through knowledge its rooms are filled

with rare and beautiful treasures.

-Proverbs 24:3-4 

This verse has become my everything. It's my life, my goal, my family, my home, our future, and my children. If I can grow, be faithful, change, evolve, and love, than I will become wiser and continue to build "a house" for my family. The place where my rare and beautiful treasures are filled (my sweet babies).

All I want for my birthday, and every birthday from here forth, is to grow with more wisdom, understanding, knowledge, and faith. To follow God towards the plans He has laid out for me, and to bless others as much and as often as I can.

I already have more than I deserve.

 

Day 134 - Mother's Day

And do not forsake your mother’s teaching.

Bind them upon your heart forever; 

fasten them around your neck. 

When you walk, they will guide you; 

when you sleep, they will watch over you; 

when you awake, they will speak to you.

Proverbs 6:20-22

Today I am thankful for the gift of motherhood. I am thankful for such an amazing mother who fills my life with unconditional love. I am thankful for wonderful and strong grandmothers, for beautiful sisters, and for amazing friends. I am so lucky to have friendships that see no boundaries.


Today I am thinking of the single mothers who do it all by themselves, of the mothers who have lost a child and have heart ache, and all of the women that are struggling to have children. You are not forgotten.


 

Day 133 - Our love

Today I got my hubby all to myself and I was reminded just how much I love him. Life with three small children is hectic and crazy, but small reminders of how perfectly God made us for each other, even in crazy times, is amazing.  We may have different needs, and we may not see eye-to-eye all of the time, but our fate was no coincidence.

 

Day 132 - God saw me through

I feel so good. I am seven pounds lighter, running five days a week, and I love cooking real, healthy meals for my family every night. Just a few months ago I hated the thought of running, I couldn't fit into my clothes, and I was tired of figuring out what to cook.

Every Saturday is my "long run" day and I run farther than I have ever run before. I can't believe that somehow in all of my mess, I found my strength again. I found my heart. I found part of someone I had lost. I actually cry when I think about it. I have missed this part of me that I thought was gone forever.

God knew.

God brought me here. I went through a lot of mud, a lot of self-hate, and a lot of tears. I forgot I had power, love, and the will to fight. But God knew because He built me this way. I know He was sad when I stopped loving myself. I was spiritually strong, but emotionally weak. And let me tell you, I only got here after going through some pretty rough times. Times of hardship, deep hurt, and a lot of criticism. I was a wreck inside, but I learned to keep getting up after every fall. I began to see that even the worst times can be used for good. Can be part of the plan. Can be a step out of the pit.

I know that I while things feel so good right now; I will have hard, bad, and difficult again. I already do. I know that no life is free from pain, but how you handle the pain makes all of the difference. I feel like I can get through anything... that I am a fighter all over again. Faith saw me through last year, and hope is seeing me through right now.

God will see me through forever.

 

Day 131 - He picked me

I had one of those days last week where I spent most of the day raising my voice at the kids. It was a naughty day to say the least (in fact we have had many of those lately). I was tired, frustrated, and I felt beat down by the time they closed their eyes. At night I had to carry my daughter to her bed and an uncontrollable feeling came over me of how lucky I was to have her. Not just that she was healthy and alive, but that God chose me to be her mother. Out of everyone in the world He picked me to bring up these three beautiful kids, even on their naughty days. I just hugged her tighter and felt the realness of life come over me at that moment. And all of my other superficial worries melted away. I am so very lucky.

Raising my three kids right now is no easy task. It's messy, loud, stressful, and exhausting. But I have to say, knowing that God chose me as their mother kind of changes everything. And knowing that it is in His hands how our family will look in the future is pretty awesome. Only He can determine if there is another little one made to be our child. Only He can provide for that. Either way, I will always hug my children a little tighter, knowing that He entrusted them to me. That we were made for each other.

Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
-Psalm 150:2


 

Day 130 - Change

Change doesn't happen through force and berating. Change happens with time, compassion, and a story. If you want someone to see your side and to be open to change, you have to be trustworthy first. I'm always amazed at the harsh words people use when they are trying to pull people to a side on a highly debatable issue. I can't hear your opinion over the stab you put in my heart. Over the way you just cut me down. But gentle words and a compassionate heart can be heard between even the most disagreeable sides.

Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing. 
- Proverbs 12:18


 

Day 129 - Don't worry

I'm a little worried about our finances right now. After all, no one wants to revisit a crisis they just pulled out of. But life is life and there are no guarantees. And yet, in the midst of my anxiety, I remembered what a dear person said to me a few days ago. I was talking about our financial position and how I was nervous about some of the what-ifs peeping their heads out at us, and she basically said, "Hey if you can get through what you did last year, you can get through anything. God provided for you, He will do it again." It's almost like I needed a little jolt to remind me how much we overcame and how intense it was. Here I am anxious about something I have already survived. I can get through whatever financial barriers come my way because I know how to do it. He gave me the skills and the faith to navigate those waters. Sometime just a little reminder can carry us a long way. I'm so grateful for her wisdom and her belief in me.

We sometimes forget how strong we are and how far we have come, don't we? What is causing you anxiety right now? What tools has God already provided you with to survive it?

So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today. -Matthew 6:34


 

Day 128 - Today

Start or end your day by thanking God for all of the blessings surrounding you. If it's a dark day, thank him for the gift of your breath and the promise of a new day. If it's a good day, thank Him for everything around you. For the beauty of life. For His grace.


 

Day 127 - Divine appointment

I missed church today. We really don't miss very often, but we had a commitment that we wanted to keep. I did however go for a run early this morning and God surely met me there. I had so much clarity and so many whispers from Him in that 35 minutes, that I knew it was a divine appointment. A heart-to-heart. A reassuring and loving conversation. It was a snapshot of the last four years.

Today I looked back in the rearview mirror. My heart had focus and understanding on what has happened in my life since 2008 and why I need to stop struggling with where I am at. He laid it all out for me to see. In doing so, He has reassured me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be... the right journey for right now. The right journey for the rest of my life. It's hard to feel hopeful that God can use me for big things, not just other people. But that hope was restored today. The doubt was taken away. And the drive was put back in me. God has never stopped working on me. Since 2008 He has actively changed my life and He has a plan for me. I just need to believe in it, even more than I have before.

Today I saw my last four years in three phases. From July of 2008 to October of 2010 God started gently pushing me to let go of my need to control and my ideals for my life. I lost my job, my house, and my identity (at least the one I wanted for myself). During this time I struggled to find how I could be myself in a totally foreign way of life. How I could say goodbye to things that were so important to me? He put peace in my heart for some tough decisions and He taught me to follow His lead. He taught me how to just let go of what I thought my life should look like. He broke me down.

From November of 2010 to December of 2011 God showed me what true faith is. That year was about faith, trusting in Him, attitude, and perseverance. We moved to a smaller home, Mark then lost his job, we used all of our savings, and then God forced us to rely on Him to get through every day of every week, with nothing in our pockets and no relief in the immediate future. We had nothing, and yet He showed us that we still had everything. We had to lean on others, we had to do things that were uncomfortable, we had to give up all of the non-necessities, and we had to trust that He would take care of us. And He did. And in that time I grew closer to Him than ever before. He never left us for a second, and his grace showed up every day as a reminded that we were not on a path of destruction, but we were on a journey. God taught me how to be truly faithful. He brought me to my knees.

That brings me to the now, from January of 2012 to the present. Last year was such a crazy year that I have never really felt like this time could be anything big. I knew that God was changing me. I knew that it was about having hope. But I thought it was stagnant. That I was stuck. And yet today I saw how actively God has been working in me. I have experienced a lot of depression this year. A lot of uncertainty, some envy, and a lot of personal attacks on who I am.  There was so much despair in trying to love myself. I just felt empty in so many ways, even though I was still growing in my faith. Even though my heart was still learning and understanding, I was lost. At one time I finally picked myself up, to only fall harder and faster. Any yet over time, I picked myself up in a big way and then started living His plans for me with more determination than before. He placed things in my path for me to grab and as soon as I stopped looking in the pits of hurt, I found them. I found them looking forward. And here I am, not fixed, but healing, building, strengthening, toughening, and having hope. I am stronger mentally and physically. It's four years of His work. He is building me up.

He broke me down, He brought me to my knees, and now He is building me up. I see it.

Every time is for a purpose... draw near to Him. Trust Him. Follow Him. Listen to Him. Make choices based on things He throws in your path, never to harm you, but to prosper you. Believe that He loves you enough to give you a timeline. A path. A journey of your own. It's not easy to follow, it hurts, it's dark, and it's treacherous at times. But you will be changed far more than you ever thought possible, and in the best ways. You have to rely on Him, talk to Him, and open up your heart to allowing Him to mold you. He can make you into the person He created you to be, which is far more that you could ever do on your own.

I have hope that some day my life will be proof of this. For now, I am trusting Him and charging forward.

Our God is healer
Awesome in power.
- from Our God


In his heart a man plans his course,
     but the Lord determines his steps.
- Proverbs 16:3


Trust in the Lord with all your heart
     and lean not on your own understanding;
in all of your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make your paths straight.
- Proverbs 3:5-6


 

Day 126 - More on my mind

Then you will understand what is right and just 
     and fair—every good path.
For wisdom will enter your heart,
     and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
Discretion will protect you,
     and understanding will guard you.
-Proverbs 2:9-11 


 

Day 125 - On my mind

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, 
     for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
     defend the rights of the poor and needy.
-Proverbs 31:8-9


 

Day 124 - Misplace

Recently I came across my gratitude journal, it was hiding under a large pile of papers. I had written 193 things to be grateful for and then forgot all about it. So today I dusted it off and picked up where I left off. How did I misplace this sweet reminder and how did I forget about it so easily? We often forget about things like that, don't we? We forget acts of gratefulness or we let our Bible sit in the corner. We become so caught up in life that we stop spending time in prayer or deep thought unless it's a necessity. I like to think that I would rather be ahead of the game in my prayers and gratitude instead of being in crisis mode. It's kind of like choosing to use preventive medicine instead of waiting until the inevitable hits.

And so... I misstep, I forget, and I get caught up in a hectic life. But today I am once again moving forward with a plan to keep my faithfulness from getting buried or misplaced.

 

Day 123 - Are you saying no?

Yesterday I witnessed a few women share their story at MOPS (Mother's of Preschoolers) of how God gave them an opportunity to join the group right before or after a major crisis hit, and they could not have imagined getting through it without their MOPS family. Personally, I joined MOPS at the tail end of our devastating year and it has brought me so much joy. In so many ways it was an obvious gift from God and so I leapt at the chance. I am so thankful.

This post isn't about MOPS though; it's about the opportunities God puts before us that we often say no to. Many mommies admitted that they had been asked before but said no. What are you saying no to? What is God trying to provide in your life that you won't let in? What are you too afraid to do? What are you missing out on?

I believe that we need to enter new phases of life and leave fear or preconceived notions behind. We need to listen when God speaks. We need to try new things. We need to give God a chance to heal and renew us. We need to say no to God a little bit less.

God loves us enough to put us in a place of comfort and safety, even in the most trying times.


 

Day 122 - Thank you

I am leaning on God to help me prepare for the race ahead of me (literally and metaphorically), and yet He has put this amazing peace and confidence in my heart. The past four months I have struggled with loving myself and all of a sudden I am feeling proud and content with who I am. I give the credit to God. He is molding me, challenging me, testing me, and literally allowing me to see that through struggle and darkness there is sunshine and wisdom. I have hated my body, been hard on myself, and yet suddenly I found a new path and I am pounds lighter and giving myself room to breathe. My mindset has changed tremendously and I can look back and see that the darkness was necessary to get me here. The bad days, the confusion, the doubt.... it all had a purpose. I opened my heart up, I begged God to help me see His path, and somehow I am now in this place where I am growing, defeating doubt, and living with peace. I have a long way to go.... but I know that I am moving.

I found this prayer request in my journal last night. It was from almost a month ago.

Lord, I am praying for peace in my heart over the way I look. I want to learn to love and accept myself while striving to lose weight, be fit, and get healthy.


Thank you God for listening.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:13 (TNIV)