Day 337 - Stuck

I've been stuck. Something has extinguished a fire inside of me, but I haven't quite figured out what it is. I am completely blocked, no drive to write on any of my blogs. And it's not that I don't have anything to say, it's that my heart has stopped it all. I assume most people would call this writer's block, but I know that it's something different. I've lost my love for running, baking, cooking, and creating. I want my spark back.

I've been thinking about what I have struggled with most this year, and I think that it's trying to deal with not knowing what God's plans are for me. Dealing with the outcome of the last four years, and seeing what happens when the dust has settled. I had a career and then I had a blog about a crazy time in our life. It seems that in the midst of life, I always had a big purpose that was just for me. And then this year hit and the world doesn't seem to need me as much. I feel lost and unsure of what I should be doing, and I know that my being wants some kind of big purpose. So me-centered, right? Let's face it; I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that right now my job is just to be a mom and a wife. To drive the kids to school, pick them up, feed them, take care of them, and be my husband's rock and confidant. That's it. Why can't I be happy with that? It's because it goes against everything I have always believed about myself. That I am special and that God has big things for me. It goes against my personality and my drive for success. And you know what, I think that God knows exactly what He is doing with me. He is breaking me soulfully. He is teaching me that it's not all about me. That I am His servant just like everyone else, and I am not special. That I need to find my way in this world based on being who I am at this exact moment, no matter how big or little the events in my life are. That I need to build myself on the foundation of what He created me on and become intimate with that woman.

Over the last year that has been a lot of relational turmoil in my life. Lots of ugly things said and actions taken that have hurt. I didn't know how to deal with it. And I can't say that I do now, but I can say that I have changed. It's been very hard and extremely trying, but somewhere in the midst of everything I have emerged a little differently. I know that my spark was lost somewhere in there from pure exhaustion, but I also know that is part of the building process and I need to find myself again somewhere in the confusion. I can't do that without God's help, and I don't think I have asked for it enough.

It's no coincidence that what I need more than anything is hope. To have confidence in what I cannot see. To believe and to know that this is the right journey. Maybe not for something huge, but for the rest of my life. A life where I will be content in whatever God sends my way. A life where I will look back and see a strong, courageous, faithful, and hopeful woman that stood on the foundation that was built over her life, and who did as much good with everything given to her as possible.

 

Day 327 - With thanks

Today is Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. I am immensely blessed and forever grateful for my extremely beautiful life.

This Thanksgiving I feel compelled to thank God for all of the areas I am struggling. Because let me tell you, I am struggling right now. I feel like my light was snuffed out a while back and my passion and my drive went with it. I just don't feel like me. And yet, even in the areas I am struggling I need to be more grateful than ever.

Lord, I am grateful for my sanity. While I am feeling challenged with life's circumstances, I am so lucky that you have given me the patience and the stamina to see it through. Even on the worst days. I am thankful for my busy life. How lucky am I to be able to fill it up with this and that? I am thankful for the moments with my children, in the car, and to their schools. Through the tantrums and the crying I give thanks. For those tears are proof of life and love. God, thank you for our finances. It may not feel like enough, but my cup runneth over, and you have protected us and shown yourself through our financial hardships. I trust you, God, and in relation to the world, we are wealthy beyond means. Thank you for every penny in our possession; each one is truly a gift. Lord, thank you for relationships, the good and the bad. Trials with others help us grow, gain wisdom, and shape who we are. Lord, I am so grateful to have people in my life and to not be alone. I am thankful for the ability to love and to walk away. Some are not afforded the gift of either. And lastly Lord, thank you for hope and for peace. While sometimes it may feel like they pass us by and we cannot quite reach them, You have given us the ability to have them in our life forever. I am so grateful that I can praise your holiness. 

Happy Thanksgiving to you. Wishing all of my readers so much love and joy, through your trials and pain as well as in your happiness.


 

Day 319 - What He has given us

I may be overwhelmed, but as of today I am waking up and thanking God for everything. The hard, the exhausting, and the craziness. I am thanking Him for what He is doing in our lives. Who cares how long my days are and how much has to be done. I get to do it all. He has given me the opportunity to have children and take care of them. How blessed am I that I wake up in a warm house with food on the table. I also have a car to take my children to the schools of my choice. I have a healthy body to hug them with and a voice of my own to express my feelings. I am quantitatively blessed. Life may seem out of whack right now, but every single moment is a blessing, even if tears are involved. A million people in a million ways would trade their life with mine.

I don't want to forget that.

I have had an unsettledness in my heart for a few months now. A feeling like we're not where we should be and maybe where we live isn't the right place for our family. I have thought of other options, looked into other areas, and wondered where a more fulfilling life could take place. A better balance of what my heart thinks is important for a family to grow. But no answers have come and the feeling still looms. This morning I wonder if what is missing is my ability to be thankful for everything I have. And the ability of my mind to sort through all of the fog of what the ideals are for the type of place we reside in. It's a rat race no matter how hard you try to stay centered. We live in a very wealthy and somewhat fake place. But this is all I have ever known and I love the people here who have become the center of my life. Maybe if I remind myself how lucky I am every single morning, through the thick and the thin, and on the hard days and the good days, that unsettling feeling will go away. I can just give it all over to God to direct us where He wants us to go and be happy with where He placed us for right now. Because that is what I am trying to do.... be happy for exactly what God has given me today.



 

Day 318 - He can help us

My sweet baby boy is going through something difficult right now. It's breaking my heart but also challenging me to my fullest. Literally and emotionally. This week I was reminded that while I know that everything has a season and that this too shall pass, that as a mother I need to take it to God. I need to pray over my sweet boy. I need to thank God for every bit and piece of him, even on the worst day. That God can see me through this and that He created me to be that sweet boy's mommy so that I can protect him, challenge him, and get him through the crazy turmoil he is in. Just as I have my seasons and my times of change, so do children. God is working in them.

And so today I am dedicated to fervently praying over my sweet boy "M" and asking God to please help heal him. To help fix whatever is broken. To help give me the wisdom and the strength to make the right decisions to guide him. I am asking God for help. I am praying for my little guy.

As parents we often take everything on instead of turning to God and asking for His guidance. We carry the burden of trying to fix it all ourselves. We feel helpless and alone. We feel overwhelmed. But we have a Heavenly Father to lean on for times such as these and He hears all of our prayers for our children. He can help us through.

Never forget that.

 

Day 317 - Today

Today I am encompassing hope. In the midst of change, trials, and moments of frustration - I find peace. While I may feel sad at one moment, I still have an undoubted peace that stays with me at all times. I have a steadfast assurance that everything will be okay and that a bad day or days is just a small period of time. There is no act, trial, disturbance, or difficulty that I cannot get through because God is there. He is there no matter what happens, often weeping with those He loves. Often holding us up and whispering in our ears when we don't feel strong. And always working to try and bring good into all circumstances.

Today I am thankful for God's love and his trials in my life. I am thankful for hope because it shines the spotlight on all the possibilities for the future. I am thankful that I never have to feel completely alone.


 

Day 315 - Hope

‎"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.” Thich Nhat Hanh



 

Day 314 - Her

"... Her powerful sense of purpose, her undying hope for a better life, her faith in God, her self-love, her positive attitude, her fearlessness and resilience, her willingness to take risks, and her ability to reach out to others." -from Life Without Limbs

I want to be that woman of God. I want people to see me that way. I want to restructure my life to have those qualities. I am taping this to my computer to remind me every day.


 

Day 313 - Change

A lot of things in our home have been changing. Some good, some hard, and some just new. I still can't quite share, but there will be a long post soon. Sometimes I feel like it's one obstacle after another and I can't catch my breath. I start to ask God, "When do I get a break?" But then I realize that he just gave us a major blessing after a trial, and even though something new and difficult is looming, what do I have to complain about? Life isn't about breaks. No one is going to have a life without hardship and difficulties and let's face it, there is almost always some trial in your life at all times. Who am I to question why God doesn't "give me a break" when he's clearly been working so hard in my life. His plans, while often concealed, always turn out so much better than imagined. Sometimes the wait is long, but the journey is worth it. I think that if you life a life full of hope, every day, in all situations, you can get through anything.

I read this in a book last night:

"You may face many trial too, but you should know that wherever you feel weakness, God is strong."

Lovely reminder.


 

Day 311 - Keep on

Can I be honest? I read some pretty harsh comments on Facebook this week. Comments that were purely offensive and rude. Calling out a political party and actually stating hateful claims about the people who follow it. There is one person in particular that really got me frustrated and all I wanted to do today was say something directly or stop being their friend. But I am constantly reminded that sometimes it's our job to be a light for others, even if they don't see it. That you don't bring anyone to Christ by deleting them or calling them out. You bring them with your love and compassion. You keep being yourself and hope that somehow your love will give others peace in their lives.

And so I will keep on keeping on.

 

Day 308 - People

On Day 299 I wrote about how we should not ignore other people because of our own problems. So I spent these last 9 days making sure to add in time with friends, even if it was inconvenient. It's funny that when I look back, it was those times with friends, even if it was stressful to get there, that were the most uplifting and fulfilling. People fill us up, not to-dos, things, or schedules. Knowing what others are struggling with, celebrating, and just thinking about connects us and grows our relationships. That is love is what God intended for us when He made us. To build each other up, reach out our hand, and to love. I really need that reminder often.

To all of you in my life, I appreciate and value you. I don't think I say it enough.


 

Day 307 - A promise

Where have I been? I don't know... in this crazy busy world where my time has disappeared. Some of it is because of the time I have committed to volunteering at my son's school. Some of it is due to a cute almost-three year old going through some sort of growth change. Some of it is from having sick kids for what seems like two months straight. Some of it is pure exhaustion from life. I am sure there are so many other variables, but I feel like this blog keeps disappearing from my life.

I love this blog and I love blogging about faith. It fills me up. It centers me. I don't like that it is missing at all. When this blog gets pushed aside, I feel like my faith gets pushed aside. That's not right. We have missed church due to vacation and illness. I hate it. I need to be centered again, but it's hard. It's hard to find balance when you are feeling pulled and pushed.

Tonight my husband and I made a promise. A promise to make our faith a priority again. For us, for our kids, and for our family. To give God all the glory for the blessings and lessons he bestows upon us.

I have a wonderful story about our life to share, but I have to wait a little bit longer (no I'm not pregnant). It's all about how God works his perfect timing, even when you feel like he has left you. And how when He tells you to have big faith, you should really listen.

 

Day 299 - Others

I learned something important this week. That sometimes we get so busy with our to-do's that we don't have time for relationships. We are just too overwhelmed. Last Friday I mentioned that it was apparent that God had told me that ignoring other people because of my own problems was not acceptable. So even though my calendar was full, I made sure to say yes to time with others. It seemed overwhelming in theory, but this week ended full of love and value because of that time. I wouldn't trade one second back for anything, and every thing that needed to get done still got done. Do I feel more fulfilled because of things I accomplished? Not really, even though I did a lot of great things this week. Do I feel more fulfilled because of the people I spent time with? Absolutely.

I think the lesson was, don't put things in front of others. There is always time for someone else. That love is far more valuable than accomplishments. And that God created us to be together.

I am so thankful for the relationships that God has blessed my life with.


 

Day 298 - Praise

There are days where all you need to do is sit back and praise God. Today has been one of those days. Today was proof that when you hold onto hope, through the thick and thin, good things will rain down on you in perfect timing.

I am feeling very blessed.

More to come soon.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28 (TNIV)

 

Day 297 - What I read

I was in a funk last weekend. But on Sunday night, when I felt so alone and after I finished my blog post, I sat down with my feelings and decided to put all of the to-do's aside and find comfort in others' words. I poured through my prayer journal, I read notes from books, I looked over the bible verses spread on my desk and I took it all in. Every. Single. Word. I read about life, struggle, pain, love, loss, faith, hope, and moving forward. And I looked at life. I felt life and I allowed myself to mourn my feelings and be real with what I was struggling with. Essentially I picked myself up. I meditated on God's wisdom and His love for me. And you know what, I felt so much better Monday morning. I felt the slate wiped clean. I felt good. God spoke to me there.

Sometimes in the dark all we need is to quiet ourselves and then fill our soul back up with all of the truths, promises, inspiration, and hope that we can find.

 

Day 296 - Choose

I am almost done reading the book Life Without Limits by Nick Vujicic. I love this entry.

"I have a choice. You have a choice. We can choose to dwell on disappointments and shortcomings. We can choose to be bitter, angry, or sad. Or when faced with hard times and hurtful people, we can choose to learn from the experience and move forward, taking responsibility for our own happiness."

Lovely, truthful, and important. The only way to grow.

 

Day 295 - Temporary

I'm struggling right now. I feel alone and frustrated. It's hard to explain, but I can feel an inner battle in my heart and I feel like I am fighting it all by myself. I know that we have a lot of stress right now, and I also know how lucky I am in all situations, but I just feel misunderstood. Have you felt that way before? Like no one will validate your feelings or help you fight your battle.

This verse has always touched my heart. I came upon it again today.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

This moment in time is temporary. That's all I need to know. The stress, the heartache, the feeling alone... it's just for right now. But what I do with my life, my faith, and my hope is achieving something that will be eternal.

I can get through this.

 

Day 293 - Lesson on love

When things are bad I do two things. First, I eat candy and sweets. I'm not sure why, since I don't eat a lot of candy normally, but it makes me feel better. Second, I withdraw. I feel like I should be home taking care of my business at all times. I say no to things that overwhelm me, or that are not my responsibility. I even withdraw from things that are mine to do.

Over the last few days I have gotten requests to help other people. Initially in my head I said no to all of them. I can't do _____ because I have to take care of things at home. I can't do ______ because it's someone else's problem. But right away God clearly told me that my responses are not acceptable. I am not a child anymore; He has been teaching me that love is the only way to live. And the prayer by my computer enforced that.

Lord, please help me take the focus off myself and see the people around me who need my love everyday.

It's not about me, no matter what I am going through. There is always time for others, and giving my time and my attention is love. And love is life. My problems are just problems, they are temporary and purposeful. But my love is endless and when I am selfish with myself, I am losing a chance to benefit someone else.

I feel like many of the lessons God has introduced to me this year are standing right before me at this very moment. I certainly cannot deny them.

 

Day 292 - Big Faith

Let's face it...life is hard. Mark and I experienced that financially for ten months. We lost every penny we had ever saved and lived on pure faith. Most of you know how that story went. And then a year ago we got a reprieve and we have been able to live on what we need and a little extra. It hasn't been perfect, it wasn't what we wanted, but it was a blessing and we knew it.

I was hoping that over time things would get better and that we would be back down the road we used to reside on. That we would be saving for a house, money would be in the bank, and that slowly we would prosper. But it never picked up for us and every month was the same thing. Still extremely blessed, but just getting by with a little extra. I would remind myself continuously, "I already have more than I deserve."

The day after our vacation we got a call. A call that financially hit us like a hurricane. Not that we didn't have any idea it was coming, but we were hoping time would be our friend. It just wasn't. And now we are in a familiar place. A place of pure faith and hope. A place where I am reminded that life is not ours to dictate. That God gives us trials so that we can survive them. That we need to use those times to grow, change, and learn. That He is in control. That every day brings something different. It's a hard pill to swallow when you beg not to go back. But at the same time this is our life to live and if you know that you will see that the hardest times are the pathways to the most blessings, it makes it easier to keep going. God has a plan. Seasons of life are not punishments, they are pathways. And no matter what, life is a blessing.

A few hours BEFORE we got the dreaded phone call, God spoke to me in my car. We had already been feeling anxious about different areas in our life that have been unstable. I am pretty sure I was thinking about the what-ifs in my head. And God plainly told me, "It's time to have big faith." I imagine "big faith" is more radical than the faith I experienced last year. It's the wiser version, the next step up. And that was it. Big faith. The kind of faith that doesn't stumble, it doesn't question, it doesn't worry. I can't say that I responded that way, because there were tears and a bunch of "why me's." But something is different this time around. When I got a phone call shortly after that car ride, there was a settled assurance in my heart that God is working in our lives and that He will not abandon us. I think that settled assurance is called hope. It's nestled in my heart. I know that He is there.

I don't know why things happen. I don't know why God has chosen this journey for us. But I know that He loves us. I know that everything has a reason. I know that He will see us through. I know that every day is a new start and that anything can happen. I believe in a God who does miracles, but who also does life. I am grateful for what I do have. I have more blessings around me than some people dream of. And I know that God will use this time to move mountains somewhere else. 

And I will live on a lot of HOPE and Big Faith.

 

Day 291 - I'm back

I took a vacation. A real one. Before that I got sick and then better. And then since we have been back I have been buried in life. All of that added together equals 15 days since I have last blogged. That's a long time away for me.

My vacation was perfect. I took a road trip with my family that also included a little luxury. Best of both worlds. I had 8 days to live a slower life and to leave behind all of the "stuff" that crowds my peace. We went fishing, hiking, ice skating, and did all of the things that we should have more time to do on regular days, but somehow don't. I love my life, but vacation is such a great way to be present with your kids and your husband and I drank up every minute of it. I cried on the way home, I didn't want our experience to end. That's a lovely sign of wonderful memories and I feel so blessed for that time. I am so thankful that our trip included so much natural beauty. I was able to show my kids proof that a creator does exist. That only God could make seasons, snow, gorgeous colors, and Mother Nature. His creation of Rocky Mountains, ponds for fishing, and fall colors were meant as signs that He put love in the details when He created earth and all of us on it. 

We also had some scares and obstacles on our road trip, but God proved that He was with us the whole way. He proved it in His timing and in His care. 

I am glad to be back, blogging about hope. There is so much to talk about, so much to catch up on... one day at a time.

Missed you all.

 

Day 276 - Saw this today

A Mother's Prayer

Oh give me patience when wee hands
Tug at me with their small demands.
And give me gentle and smiling eyes.
Keep my lips from hasty replies.
And let not weariness, confusion or noise
Obscure my vision of life's fleeting joys.
So when, in years to come, my house is still,
No bitter memories its rooms may fill.

{Author Unknown}


 

Day 275 - Sidelined

When you decide to follow a dream, try something new, or set out to accomplish a goal you would be a fool to expect that everything will go as planned and be easy. It's impossible. If God is involved He will make sure that you get something out of the experience. You just can't gain wisdom without bumps and potholes in the road. That's just how a life of faith works.

When I set out to train for this half marathon, I knew that it wouldn't be easy. Here I have been running consistently for almost 7 months, and yet that did not prepare me for this next step. Making the commitment and throwing myself into the endeavor is what is preparing me. I have hit a few bumps along the road and now a major pothole. I just passed my half way mark and I literally can't run. Pain associated with a longtime condition in my feet has totally sidelined me. It's hurts just to walk. And so I am at a crossroad. I can yell "unfair" and pout about it. "Why is this showing up now, when it has been totally fine for so long?" I can give up and say, "look I'm hurt and I can't do it. Let's face it, this whole training thing is hard work anyways." Or I can keep on moving forward with trust and faith in the process. 

Living a life of faith includes understanding the hiccups in life. That overcoming the hiccups is what makes you stronger, not just finishing the race.

I am going to the doctor this week and I fully intend on being at the starting line in November, even if I can't run until that day. I am praying that my feet will be just fine, but either way I will take the process as it comes. No complaining, no whining, and no pity parties. This is my journey and I will grab it running or sitting down. Hard work is physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I want to put in whatever work God thinks I need the most.

Whatever it is that is sidelining you right now. Don't give up. Whatever it is that is causing frustration, tears, and pain, have faith that it's part of His process. 

 

Day 274 - Choose

I have a choice. You have a choice. We can choose to dwell on disappointments and shortcomings. We can choose to be bitter, angry, or sad. Or when faced with hard times and hurtful people, we can choose to learn from the experience and move forward, taking responsibility for our own happiness.
- from Life Without Limits


 

Day 273 - Life without

Life without meaning has no hope. Life without hope has no faith. If you find a way to contribute, you will find your meaning, and hope and faith will naturally follow and accompany you into your future.
- from Life Without Limits

 

Day 272 - He is boss

Here's what I found out about God today. He's in charge. I mean that in the best way possible. He gives us free will and we live our lives, but when we tell God that we are handing things over to Him and surrendering ourselves... He takes the reigns. He listens. He works on His plan for us. And He lets us know who is boss, a loving and powerful Father.

You have heard the expression, "when one door closes another one opens." I'm experiencing "when you close a door yourself, God just might open it again." It takes a little getting use to, but I know that whatever God has in the works will be far more amazing than what I have planned. And so I will follow His lead and laugh at the irony of how life sometimes works.

We are certainly in a very stressful place right now, but God has given us the peace and the faith to see things through. I am just praying for the best, and having hope that good things can happen. He has given us so much good already.

 

Day 271 - Hope forward

Lately I have noticed a lot of people posting about hope. I see it everywhere that I go. It's all around us. It's such a strong and passionate word that has so many levels of emotion. Hope means so much to so many people.

Today all I can think about is how we can give hope to others. It's not something that I can literally gift to someone else, although I have tried. I have tried so hard to sneak hope into people's lives that are hurting, but it's not easy. Hope has to be wanted, accepted, and loved back. So how can we help other people have hope?

By living and breathing it.
By being an example.
By sharing our lives.
By sharing God's word.
By giving love.
By being vulnerable.

We spread hope by being a light for others to see. At least that is what I think. We get out of our comfort zone and share our lives, our stories, and our beliefs with people around us. We become friendlier, we share our hurts and our difficulties, and then we share how hope changes our lives. How we can have hope in all situations. How hope changes who we are. And by doing that, we are also giving love. We are suddenly doing things for people, we are serving them, and we are letting our hope seep into their lives. Our love then gives them hope, even in dark circumstances or despair.

That's what is on my heart this morning. Not just about having hope, but about giving hope to others. I want to pay it forward.

 

Day 270 - Time

My calendar is ridiculous. It also becomes more ridiculous with every passing day, especially when appointments and agendas get moved because all three kids have been sick for days. Yes, true story. It's just life.

Back to my calendar, did I say it's ridiculous? Because it is. But that's not a good thing, it's not a bragging thing, and it's not special. It's commitments and "have to go to's." We have a bunch of those right now. And that's okay and fine because everything works out in its own time. I didn't use to understand that, but I do now. It all works out somehow.

But here is the thing, more on my calendar, less time for other things. Things like reading, praying, reflecting, teaching, and loving. And there is nothing good about that. It's so easy to make excuses about how busy you have been, but there is a book right beside me with God's word in it and I need to make sure that I pick it up and nourish myself. Right now. And so do you. Just pick it up and go, no matter what time it is. Don't let God get stuck in your commitments.

Last Sunday at church my pastor spoke about using our time to do things. Like looking at You Tube videos and other nonsense. I felt like he was talking to me. I don't have a lot of time for nonsense, I rarely watch television, but I find that I get easily distracted with online news and Facebook. I waste time. So this week I have been making an effort that as soon as I realize I am wasting time, I get on track and do something that needs to be done. I have a lot of things that need to be done. I am behind in my life with blogs to be written, bills to be paid, emails to be sent, flyers to be made, and commitments to be kept. I need to take back my time so that I can thrive without feeling overwhelmed and guilty. And you know what, it's working. I am still buried under a pile of things to be done, but I am not adding anything to the top. And if I keep this up, the load will start to dwindle and I will be free.

Time is an amazing thing. We need to give ourselves more of it. God deserves more of it too.

 

Day 269 - Hope that

Today I will be filled with hope.

Hope that that anything is possible.
Hope that something wonderful can happen.
Hope that work well done pays off.
Hope that in trying times, good is produced.
Hope that chances are continually given.
Hope that faith is rewarded.

Today (and every day) I will shout to God that I trust His plan and that my faith is firmly planted. I will give Him my joys and my tears. I will give him my worries and thank Him for my blessings. I will trust Him on this journey, no matter how bumpy. For I know that He is my Savior and He loves every part of me. And even if today turns out to be all wrong, I will not turn back or leave Him. My hope will always look towards another sunrise.

 

Day 268 - Control Freak

God has taught this control freak that when life seems to be falling apart, when everything seems to be teeter-tottering, or when you could be a jump away from many things going wrong, that God is probably working full time in your life.

Mark and I have a lot of unknowns right now. Things could flip one way or another at any give moment and it feels like things are out of control. That's why people like the perceived notion of stability, because you feel safe. While we do pray for more stability in our life, I have found my safety in trusting God. I know that even the most stable life can fall apart at any time. And yet, with all of our unknowns I feel completely secure in God's love and vision for our life. I know that even though bad news could come tomorrow, that we will be okay. God has never abandoned us, never led us astray, and has blessed us in all circumstances. And with that faith, I have a peace and a hope that I never had before. 

I am amazed that this control freak can thrive and trust in uncertainty. But that's what loving God will do for you. It allows you to let go of your need to control and know everything.

 

Day 266 - Down the road

I am constantly reminded that no matter what we do, try to do, want to do, or plead to happen, God has His plan. In all circumstances. It's funny how my vision of life events has changes after My Year of Faith. When I see hope in pieces, devastation, or broken dreams in peoples lives I have faith that He has a plan. I know that it's true. I know that He is continuously working in everyone's lives and that when He says no, or not this time, or not right now, it's because there is a plan that we cannot see it.

I'm not trying to lessen devastation or really awful circumstances. There are things that happen that will never seem to have a happy ending because we don't know why it happened. We will some day though. But in most circumstances when something seemingly bad happens it will all come together down the road. Piece by piece. Blessings are poured down and it all makes sense. And in those stories the outcome is more fulfilling and His glory and grace is written all over it.

I see all of that now. And my heart hurts when people I love are hurting, but most often I just want to whisper to them, "just hold on."


 

Day 262 - Days

Last week my son had a bad day. I'm sure his whole day wasn't bad, but once he got home from school it went down hill. There was frustration, tears, loud words, and definitely a seven-year-old temper tantrum. He lost it, I lost it, his dad lost it, and by bedtime it was just a sloppy mess.

As I was getting my kids ready for bed, I felt like I needed to pray with them. We vary our prayers from dinner to nighttime. That night I felt the need to speak to my son through prayer because I didn't know how else to reach him. He was a crying mess. I prayed for our family, for God to help us with bad days, and for reminders that we get to start all over in the morning. I told him that Jesus loves us no matter what and that everyone has not-so-good days. When I was done, my son said, "Mom, thank you for the prayer and for saying that we all have bad days. I love you." And he wiped his tears away and went to sleep, with his sniffles melting away.

While I hold a firm line between being naughty and good, some days are just simply bad ones. Some situations just need peace. When our tears are too many to see and we can't pull out of our feelings, we all deserve a reminder that we get a do-over and that Jesus loves us no matter what.

Sometimes as adults we need to pray and remind ourselves the same things.


 

Day 261 - Losses

We all suffer losses. Lost jobs, relationships, promises, loved ones, possessions, dreams, etc. etc. etc. I wrote these two notes and this verse on my sermon outlines.

Losses deepen me, but they don't define me. They are part of my maturity, not my identity. Do not let the losses in life define you, let them make you better. 

It's done, so let's get on with life...

We pray that you will be filled with his almighty, glorious strength so that you can keep going no matter what happens - always full of the joy of the Lord. - Colossians 1:11 (LB)


 

Day 260 - Sunday verse

Rise during the night and cry out. Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord. Lift up your hands to him in prayer. -Lamentations 2:19 (NLT)

 

Day 259 - I can

Today I woke up anxious with a full run a head of me. A distance that I have only run twice before. It's not that I didn't think that I could do it, because I knew that I could. I just thought it would be hard. I wasn't sure that I was strong enough to finish without walking, needing my inhaler, or giving up. I have been training so hard, but when thinking about this run, I didn't believe I was a runner.

Last night I watched a documentary about an ultra marathon runner. I listened to his life and saw his achievements (which are more than I could ever imagine). And I was reminded of my own personal belief that l live by. I can do anything. Literally. I might not be able to do it as well, as fast, as far, or as much, but if someone else can do it so can I. This motto helped me in giving birth, getting my MBA, climbing the corporate ladder, taking leaps of faith, making big decisions, working from home, and trying new things. This motto is what got me running in the first place, and that was no easy task. I can do it. I am capable.

My run this morning was amazing. I was a sweaty mess, exhausted, and it was hot... but I rocked it. I didn't need anything to see me through it except for a reminder that if one man can run hundreds of miles, I could run too. And every weekend when I get ready for my long run I am going to remind myself that I can do anything. And I am going to pray for God to give me the strength to rock the new mileage ahead of me. Every week I will go a little further because God made me capable of finishing my journey. I just have to believe it.

We can all do more than we ever imagined for ourselves.

 

Day 258 - What is to come

When I figured out that this year would be about hope, God also whispered what next year should be. I've known it all along, but I can already feel God preparing me for it in small ways. While hope is still dramatically changing my life, I am already excited for what is to come. Just had to share.

 

Day 257 - A pretty amazing reminder

Yesterday's post was about feeling spiritually dry. I'm not even sure why I used the word "dry" but that's the only way I could explain how I felt with the busyness of life. When I went to write today's post I didn't know what to say, my eyes went to my prayer journal and I opened it up to this.

Feed the hungry,
   and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
   and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
   giving you water when you are dry
   and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
   like an ever-flowing spring.
-Isaiah 58:10-11 (NLT)

I have opened the Bible to random pages before, hoping God would talk to me that way. It doesn't usually work. But today was one of those lucky days when God needs you to know something. And you know what he needed me to know, that just opening my books isn't going to fill me up spiritually. That I need to feed the hungry and help those in trouble. I need to "do" not just read. It's no coincidence that just this morning, after reading an article that bothered me, I said to myself that I need to find what it is that stirs me. An issue, a group of people, a cause that I can stand up for. I want to find whatever that is and get moving. I just haven't figured it out yet.

After I started writing this post I felt compelled to see what came before this verse and so I went back to the beginning of the chapter. You can read it all here. God answered my post about being dry, but he is also speaking to my stirring soul. To the part of me that doesn't know what I should be doing. And He is telling me just to do anything. To free those wrongly imprisoned, listen to others burdens, share our food with the hungry, give shelter to the homeless, give clothes to those who need them, help family members, and stop pointing fingers and spreading rumors. He is telling me (and you) to just do something. Every single day.

So today I will be going to the store and filling up a grocery bag or two for the food bank that fed us when we were down. This week I will be doing all of the things I keep saying I am going to do, but never get to. I feel like God opened my eyes and is telling me that I can't just wait around trying to figure out my passion, there are so many thing I can be doing every day and that is how he gives you water when you are dry and restores your strength.

A pretty amazing reminder.

 

Day 256 - God's paperwork

I am having a hard time juggling life. School is back in session and I suddenly feel like a taxi driver (but the kind that is fun because your passengers have lots to tell you about their day). Some days are especially long with extracurricular activities and volunteer duties. By the time I take a breath it's bedtime for the kids and I spend my quiet hours doing whatever is the most pressing and that time goes by fast. I try to get to bed before midnight so I can get up early to run and then do it all over again.

I love all of the madness but I forget to pray, read, and have time dedicated to God. I have four books sitting by my computer begging me to read them, and yet they just sit. Books filled with God's promises and life stories of people's faith. And when I go to write my blogs, I feel a little dry. If I don't have time for God, how can my faith grow? How can hope seep in? How can I hear God's voice and direction?  How can I give proper thanks for all of the blessings showered on us? You just can't. Just going to church on Sunday is not enough to fill you up for a whole week.

It's easy to be overloaded. I have bills, papers, and to-dos piled on my desk. So many things need my attention, and yet I can't think of anything more important that spending time with God. His paperwork directs you through each and every day.

 

Day 255- Nine Eleven

Today is always a day where my problems seem small, my worries few, and my blessings are countless. Every year on 9/11 I hear more stories of how God uses a horrific situation for good. About what people have done with the mess of their life after what they saw or who they loss. No, I will never ever forget.

And while today is hard in one way, I also celebrate my grandmother. An amazing woman. Happy Birthday Grandma Ester. I love you dearly.

 

Day 254 - Directions

Sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to, right? Relationships, jobs, goals, our day, finances, promises, and the list goes on and on. I have been guilty of banging my head over and over trying to make something work that just won't because I am sure that it is what is meant to happen. And in the end I just get hurt, frustrated, or anxious over and over and over. We are human, we want things so badly, but often we turn away from the fact that we cannot make things go our way. Here's the thing... God can. God makes things happen, but in His way and on His time. I have said that a hundred times over this year, but I still need to hear it. I still need reminders that you need to take it to God. Pray about it and have hope and faith that His way is the best way.

I have watched impossible situations become possible, miracles arise, obstacles become blessings, and perfect timing.

We need to trust God's directions for the roadmap of our life. Ask Him to lead the way.


 

Day 253 - Alex

It has been 10 years since my friend Alex left this world. He committed suicide when I was 22. If you knew him, you would have pinned him as the last person that would take their life. He was a beautiful and amazing friend.

I spoke with Alex the night before he disappeared and my heart hurts that I didn't know how much pain he was in. Looking back, some sort of mental illness hit him quick and hard. He was overwhelmed. He was depressed. The darkness was too much and he didn't know that there was hope and help. He didn't know that there was a light at the end of the tunnel he was in. We spent days looking for him, hoping that he was okay, but grief had already hit our hearts. So when we got the call that they found him, I was numb.

That moment in my life was overwhelming. It doesn't seem real, and yet it happened and I can't get him back. Ever. Sometimes I see men out that look just as he would if he was still alive, and while it makes me sad, I like to have moments to remember him. To keep his memory alive. I miss him so much and just writing this post brings me to small sobs.

Alex, I will never forget you. The memories don't fade over time... they are all still there. Every year I mark your birthday and your heaven date in my calendar. I will keep you alive with good deeds and new challenges, as if you are here doing them yourself. And someday I know that I will see you in Heaven. I know that Jesus held you and told you that all of the darkness was finally gone and that all of your tears were wiped away. That there was no more pain or sorrow. I can't wait to hug you too and see your smile again.

Sending love up to you today.


 

Day 252 - Prayers

My sweet dad photocopied me two pages from a book he was reading that had some perfect words of godly advice. Although not the highlighted parts, I fell in love with these two simple prayers.

Lord, thank You for Your grace that is manifested in my life.

Lord, thank You for taking care of all my problems through Your forgiveness and grace. I am handing over my burdens to You- all of them!


 

Day 251 - Put your heart right

Yet if you devote your heart to him
     and stretch out your hands to him,
if you put away the sin that is in your hand
     and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
then, free of fault, you will lift up your face;
     you will stand firm and without fear.
You will surely forget your trouble,
     recalling it only as waters gone by.
Life will be brighter than noonday,
     and darkness will become like morning. 
-Job 11:13-17 (TNIV)

I found that verse on a church outline, with it were these notes:

Put your heart right. Reach out to God. Then face the world again, firm and courageous. This is how you begin the healing process. 

I have some healing to do. I want to regain the courageousness that I know I have. I want to be the woman God created me to be. Somehow I have lost that in guilt and in others' words. I am a fighter, I am strong, and I have so much love to give. I need to give my heart to God so that He can give me the eyes to see exactly who He created. Someone He loves dearly. Someone who stands on her own two feet... not afraid to yell out to the world and to be herself.

Time to pick myself up and journey ahead.
That is the woman I know.

 

Day 250 - Refuge

Wow... I am exhausted. While I am excited that my sweet kids went back to school this week, it's been crazy getting them ready to do so. I am beyond tired, but it has been worth it. I adore this time of year. I love having a schedule again. I love the family time, MOPS is starting soon, fall food, and preparing for the holidays. It's magical for me. It makes me feel like myself again... I feel like the depression is fading more and more each day and that I am seeing myself. This time of year helps bring that back.

But with the start of a new season always comes a lot of reflection. I have now passed 2/3 of my Year Full of Hope. I am thinking about what has happened, where I have gone, and what could be in front of me. I still have a lot of work to do in exploring hope and finding it deep inside of myself. Or perhaps tending to the seed I have already planted. I want my hope to be full and strong. I want to breathe it, live it, and share it with others. But I am finding that to do so, I have had to work much harder on myself. Some on my own, some through books, some from personal situations, and a lot in His word. Some exploration has come from the help of a therapist and that has been fruitful. I am grateful for that help. Things have been topsy turvy for my emotionally, but that's what God had in store for me this year and I want to grasp as much of it as I can. The good, the painful, the excruciating, and the unexpected. Because I know that God can take all things and use it for good... and I know that is what is happening right now. This is my time to grow.


“Every word of God is flawless;
 he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
-Proverbs 30:5 (NIV1984)

God is my shield even in difficult times. I am taking refuge in His love this year.


 

Day 249 - Renew my spirit

Somehow in the mess of life and a lot of hurtful words, I have lost part of my spirit. And yet all I need to do is to ask God to renew it. This is my prayer today.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
-Psalm 51:10 (NIV1984)

 

Day 248 - Fire and water

We went through fire and water. 
But you brought us to a place 
where we have everything we need. 
-Psalm 66:12 (NIRV)


 

Day 247 - Run with endurance

I came across this verse on a t-shirt last night and it makes me feel especially inspired for my half marathon coming up in 10 weeks.

And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. -Hebrews 12:1(NLT)

I am not a born runner. I have asthma and little legs that don't go very fast. But somehow God has turned me into this woman who runs. It's not easy and my training has gotten off to a slow start, but I believe that I can do it. That I can finish the race. That I can do anything that I put my mind to. That through hope and faith, God will help get me there.

I'm not alone in my challenges and neither are you.

 

Day 246 - Imperfect

This week I have been reminded, more than once, of how imperfect I am. Of how I can make bad choices. Of how selfish I can be. I mean I obviously know that all of the time, but this week felt like an extra special reminder.

You know what I told myself when the going got tough.... this too shall pass.

I mess up, I do it again, and yet every time I learn something new and take it with me. I leave excuses behind. I strive to be a better person and to love others more than myself. And then I forgive myself for what I did and thank God that He gave me another day to learn from my mistakes. I thank Him for giving me wisdom and strength. I thank Him for loving me enough that He makes good things come from the bad.


But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. -Job 23:10 (TNIV)


 

Day 245 - Is good

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
-Lamentations 3:25-26 (TNIV)


 

Day 244 - Cure

The cure for our problems comes in a strange form: it comes through admitting weakness and through a humble heart. -Life's Healing Choices


 

Day 243 - A little more

A little more about our purpose... some of us are born with these amazing God-given talents and we know our purpose. Some of us go through crazy life-changing events that mold our purpose. And, some of us just aren't sure what our purpose is. That's okay; God just hasn't revealed them to us yet. So what do we do? We live with a servant's heart in everything we do. We use what we have to give to others. We volunteer, we help, and we love. And in God's time, through our serving heart or a life-changing event, God will reveal His purpose for our life. We need to open our heart to Him.

God put you where you are for a purpose, even if you feel unknown and unappreciated. Don't give up. keep on serving God. -The Purpose Driven Life



 

Day 242 - Purpose

I know I am talking a lot about finding who I am right now... but it's not how I act, why I do things, my likes, etc. I know that woman. It's finding myself in God's eyes. Understanding that the vision for my life that I have always had, is not the reality of who God made me to be. I am being confronted with the truth that God may not use me to do big things, at least not the big I have dreamed of. My vision and God's vision is not the same and I need to embrace that. I need to let go of the way I have always identified myself, and keep moving and trusting in God's plans for my life - no matter how big or small. I have felt lost in my purpose for so long... but by having faith, living for today, and trying to be more Christ like, I can feel joy and confidence in who I am.

I imagine people spend their whole lives trying to find their purpose and end up lost and defeated. I see how that happens; they are trying to fill a void that they have put inside themselves. They are trying to amount to something valuable in the eyes of the world. They want to be someone. They are desperate to feel important. That could be me. 

Slowly I am starting to understand that God molded each of us to have a purpose. If I spend my life trying to be the person I think I should be, I am completely blindsiding myself. I am missing all of the reasons God created me. I am running past the things I should be focusing on. What if my entire purpose in life is to be the mother to my three children? If I am blindly reaching for myself, how can I nurture them? Why isn't it enough to have that purpose, then say be a writer, speaker, and known woman of God? It is enough. It's more than enough and I should spend every minute embracing the talents God gave me to be the best mother I can be. And along the way use all of my talents and my heart to serve and love others. To be more Christ like. At the end of my life that purpose would be just as fulfilling, if not more, than any that I would have chosen for myself. 

I am tired of being lost. I am weary from wanting my own desires instead of listening to God's. He created me and I want to be worth my full value in His eyes by seeking out His purposes in my life, not my own. I want His will. Because now I see that a person's worth is not measured by how important they are, how much money they have, how big of a Christian they are, or which far corners of the earth they are changing... a person's worth can be found in how they love others, how they use their God-given talents, how firmly they plant their faith, and how much they trust God's working in their life.